


A Dichotomy of Feathers

by Rebecca_Anders



Series: A Dichotomy of Feathers [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Grace Kink, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Photography, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Wing Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1435669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebecca_Anders/pseuds/Rebecca_Anders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean drives, Sam reads, Cas photographs. The trio is out hunting after putting an end to the apocalypse when Dean gives Castiel a camera and teaches him to appreciate life as only a human can. But the angels have other plans for the two lovers and will push them farther than they'd thought possible.  (Rated M for later chapters)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first fanfiction, originally posted to FanFiction. And I mean first ever! I've had an idea for a novel for years and suddenly it just clicked with Destiel and so I've formed this around it. It's a semi-AU where Sam is never thrown in Hell, first little section explains, but otherwise is set in the SPN universe. If you see glaring spelling/grammar please feel free to tell me about it, haven't had it beta'd, just wrote and posted!
> 
> Enjoy!

Castiel had been hunting with the Winchesters for a while now. He had disobeyed his orders and helped them in ending the Apocalypse instead of encouraging it with Zachariah and his assembly. The ancient spell they had discovered to control the archangels was instrumental in bringing Lucifer down without needing to fulfill the prophecy everyone had gone on and on about. Winchesters made their own rules, their own destiny, and no one could tell them otherwise.

With nothing to return to in Heaven he instead chose to stay with the humans. They had shown him the love and consideration he needed. They understood how betrayed he felt by his brothers and sister. Even more than that he found sympathy from Dean, a self-declared expert in absent fathers.

Over the months they had built up a good system. They hunted per usual, taking out demons, werewolves, and wendigos alike. Sam and Dean drove the Impala, Cas followed, spending the travel time exploring the world, indulging his curiosity. The last month or so he hadn't left again, had ridden in the car. Supposedly it was due to his interest in having them explain human nuances, but they suspected it was his waning angel mojo. He was nowhere near weak, could take out a vampire with the snap of his fingers, but occasionally would nap after a particularly involved hunt. Being the Winchesters they were no one asked him to divulge if anything deeper was happening, and he didn't seem concerned about it.

They hunted, they laughed, they stayed up playing cards and drinking whiskey. They gave Castiel the taste of humanity he craved, and day-by-day he opened up from the reserved quiet angelic solider he had been.

April

The brothers began the job of cleaning up from the hunt, wiping down their prints and making sure that they didn't leave anything behind. With nothing to do Castiel began to examine the small house. He wandered down the hall, glancing into the cramped and dirty bathroom, momentarily inspecting a cluttered office full of papers and books. The last room was closed; they hadn't bothered to check it earlier while searching having found the okami in the living room. He opened the door and took in the walls covered with posters, pieces of paper, and pictures. Pictures hung from the ceiling in garlands, showing muted natural scenes.

Curious, Cas pulled down one paper off the wall, it was written in Japanese, the calligraphy showing detailed brushwork. Below the writing was a small drawing of a leafless tree. As he looked closer he saw that ever paper and poster on the wall had similar bits of writing. Some were handwritten, others brushed with ink.

He moved to read another when one of the hanging pictures hit against his temple. He stepped back and examined the moment captured in it. A cool forest, pine trees rising high into the air. He could sense the stillness that had been as the photographer took the picture.

The feeling coming over him was one he didn't recognize. Being on earth brought out emotion in him and emotion was still baffling. The minute he understood one he'd feel another, then begin the process of examining the how and why of it all.

"Cas! Come on, it's time to get out of here!" Dean bellowed from the other end of the house, marching down the hall in search of the angel.

He stood in the doorway and huffed, seeing Castiel looking about in wonder at the pictures and writings in the room.

"Dude, it's dinner time, we gotta go, job's done."

Cas turned to look at him, blue eyes widened.

"What is all of this? I'm not sure why they've written what they have. It's an odd way of communicating." He studied a different piece of paper, touching the writing.

"Like I'd know, I can't read hieroglyphics or whatever. Come on I'm starving!" Dean prodded as Sam sauntered down the hall to find out what the hold up was.

"O wow, you didn't tell me this was here," Sam pushed his brother out of the way, joining Castiel in examining the works.

"God are either of you two normal? Cas I get, but Sam too?"

"Like you've never seen art before Dean? Just give us a minute. I had no idea monsters like her could understand or appreciate art, let alone display it," Dean had clearly lost him to his inner geek.

"This is art? I've never seen words used like this, it doesn't make any sense," Cas scrunched up his face at the paper he still held in his hand.

"What's so weird about it, can you read it to us?"

With his knowledge of all languages he translated for Sam...Dean just rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorframe.

"Dew Evaporates  
And all our world is dew...so dear,  
So fresh, so fleeting"

"OOh I get it now, these are haiku's!" Sam explained to Castiel. The blank stare he received back showed the angel's lack of understanding.

"Is that...another cultural reference Sam?" Cas whispered, not wanting to seem ignorant in front of Dean yet again.

"No, it's a kind of poetry," the blank stare continued, "It's Japanese and you write the poem with seventeen syllables in three lines of five, seven, five. It's usually about nature...Cas you're not getting this are you?"

Castiel turned to Dean, hoping he could offer some explanation to this new phenomenon.

"You know...it's almost like you paint an image with words...usually lots of metaphors and stuff. Chicks dig it." The bitchface Sam shot his direction told him he hadn't explained it well. Like I know anything about this Sammy, why don't you educate the angel if you're so smart.

"So you're saying…it's an art form similar to story telling? Using words to create something pleasing?" Cas was clearly intrigued.

"Yea exactly! I think you'd like it Cas, bet you've seen plenty of amazing things you could share with us through poems…or something," Sam encouraged. He knew Castiel needed an outlet to experience human life. Poetry and photography seemed as good of an outlet as any others, certainly better than anything Dean could suggest. Drinking and fucking women wasn't exactly the most eloquent way to be human.

"Alright well if you two girls are done I'd like to get some food, growing boys gotta eat!" Dean stormed off down the hall, trying to drag them away.

Sam sighed, giving Cas a look of exasperation over Dean's insensitivity, then followed his brother calling after him about how he would only grow wide not tall now. Cas could hear Dean's roaring reply, lighthearted sibling fighting ensuing.

He looked around the room once more, the strange art intriguing him. Pulling out the pins holding them to the wall he collected a few more of the haiku's he liked and grabbed down one or two pictures. He convinced himself that it was purely out of needing to study them and know more about humanity…but deep down he knew it was his selfish desire to have something beautiful to look at.

He folded the small bundle up, stuffing it into a coat pocket as he hurried to catch up to the brothers. Dean had Sam in a headlock by the front door spouting off something along the lines of 'who's bigger now bitch.'

"Dude no, no way in hell is that girly British Direction crap better than Led Zeppelin or any other classic rock, not even a little!"

"Dean! They have amazing voices, just accept it!"

The argument had gotten old hours ago for Castiel. It was lighthearted, yes, but he didn't see the point or need. He sat in the diner next to Dean sipping on water so the other patrons wouldn't be suspicious. The waitress came back around, this was the third time she had offered to fill his water without there being sufficient room to add more. Cas was beginning to wonder if she was planning something. Her smile seemed genuine enough, but no one paid an angel that much attention without something sinister in mind.

With half a mind to tell Dean he leaned to his left, nudging his elbow. The move jostled Dean's arm, the ketchup he was pouring squirting out all over the table and onto Sam's shirt, comical sound effect included.

They all froze, Sam and Dean slowly turned to regard Cas who shrunk down into his coat.

"I apologize"

Dean began chuckling, always enjoying a good moment to see his brother squirm a little. It's why he always won the prank wars.

"It's no big deal Cas, I'll just go…clean up real quick. O ha ha Dean, keep laughing," Sam rose, stalking off to the bathroom, more annoyed at Dean's laughter than the red stain down his shirt.

Dean kept laughing under his breath, looking sideways over at Cas who had turned a deep shade of red.

"I think I hurt Sam's feelings. I should go apologize in a better way,"

"No no he's just bitching about me laughing. Heh…sorry man it just feels good to see your little brother like that. I mean, if someone dropped a bowl of mashed potatoes on Gabriel's head you know you'd laugh."

"Why would it be funny for potatoes to be on his head?" Castiel was thinking about this seriously, wondering why a smashed tuber was humorous.

"You know, nevermind. Don't feel bad, Sam's a good sport, just drink your water. Maybe she'll finally give you her number this time," he nodded towards the waitress who was coming back over, fidgeting with her hair

She paused for a moment, sizing Castiel up while he made a point to stare at his hands to avoid eye contact.

"Can I get you guys anything else?"

"You know maybe you can help us out. We're just blowing through for the night and only managed to get a hotel with two beds. Looks like my friend here," he clapped Cas's shoulder, "is going to have to couch it again. Know of anywhere else to get a room?"

Cas turned a deeper shade of red, "Dean…" he warned.

"Oh…yea of course! I actually have a guest room at my place…if you just need a place for one night it'd be no trouble!" She grinned, her red lipstick making her look just slightly sick.

Castiel hesitantly look up, eyes flitting from her face to the table, wishing as hard as he could that he could just fly out of here. Then a sudden thought came to his mind, a joke that Sam had made some months ago, seemed like the appropriate social circumstance.

"Thank you. I am sure that your guest room is very nice and…comfortable. But I will do just fine in the double bed. There's enough room for us if we…spoon?" He set his hand on Dean's thigh.

Her smile disappeared as fast as Dean's. Muttering something about hearing an order come up she scurried off towards the back of the diner.

Removing his hand Cas began to think that this was actually no the appropriate time for the joke after all. Dean was no laughing.

In face he had turned a deep red color and gone still, looking at Castiel like he had just grown another head. Cas waited for the yelling to come next, the assertion of control and dominance that Dean always gave when something didn't go the way he'd wanted it. Instead he just turned his head and put an extreme amount of concentration into his burger.

Sam arrived back at the table to an awkward silence, Dean not looking at either him or the angel and Castiel's pinched lips and furrowed brow showing his anxiety. He looked back and forth between them confused, then noticed the waitress from earlier give the back of Castiel's head a deep glare from the other side of the room.

"Dean what did you do?"

"What?! Oh no, this is not on me. Ask little fairy boy over here. Probably scared off every girl in this town now." Dean grumbled into his fries. Cas lowered his head, looking more uncomfortable by the second.

"Um, Cas what happened?"

"I only used the joke you did previously. About spooning…together in bed," Cas barely whispered, not wanting any more attention on him.

Sam's eyebrows rose, giving a huge laugh at what must have happened. Leave it to the angel to make a social misstep.

"Well that one's on Dean actually. He was the one who seemed pretty happy…"

"Dude! So not cool. It was once, and I was asleep! THIS one thought it would be ok to get in bed with another grown man."

"It was cold Dean. What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, take yourself to Florida or something? Just…not cool." Dean scowled at both of them. That morning was one of the more humiliating moments of his life. Being woken up by Sam's concerned face with Castiel spooned up against him under the sheets, having no idea how the angel'd gotten there. He wasn't even the big spoon, which made it ten times worse.

"I apologized Dean, an apology you accepted. Try not to seem too disgusted at the idea. You certainly snuggled happy enough at the time, consciously or not." Cas growled right back at him, cheeks flushed red with indignation.

"Yea whatever, just stop bringing it up." Dean went back to finishing off his burger, Sam launching into a history discussion with Cas, trying to alleviate the awkward atmosphere.

Thing is that had been the best night of sleep Dean had had in a long time. Probably since getting out of Hell. And as much as he hated to admit it, the warm and safe feeling he briefly had in the moments when he woke up before realizing what was happening…well that feeling was something he craved.


	2. Make an Angel Feel Small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets a present for Castiel and sets up a plan with Sam to help him use it. (Rated M for later chapters)

Dean twice caught Castiel looking at the pictures he had stolen before he made up his mind to do it. The angel had nothing of his own but the clothes on his back, and Dean knew what a comfort it can be to claim something as your own when other aspects of your life seem to be unravelling. Sam had his research and books, Dean the car and music, it was time for Cas to have his own mini-hobby that he could enjoy.

It took several weeks of hustling pool and darts between hunts, but he finally saved up enough to get a camera. He asked Sam to keep the angel busy at the motel when they crashed in Kansas City, Missouri and set out to get the present. He wanted it to be a surprise.

It took an hour of haggling with the guy in the camera store, nearly ruining the deal by dropping 'hipster' a few times, but Dean got all the supplies he needed. He felt uncharacteristically giddy and nervous, but brushed it off. Of course I'm fucking nervous, if the angel doesn't like it he'll just smite me or disappear for a few months. Dean wasn't sure which of those outcomes sounded worse to him.

Getting things organized in the car he called Sam to arrange dinner plans for the three of them.

"Hey man, want to go to that BBQ place Dad took us to a few times? Could use a good meal for once."

"God yeesss! When will you be back, we'll get ready."

"Shouldn't take much longer than 10 minutes to get back there. You been keeping our holy roller busy?"

"Well yea, was pretty easy actually, just turned on the Discovery channel."

"Bet he's loving that, kinda got a thing for nature recently," Dean had noticed that Cas seemed happiest when they were out of the cities. They'd driven through a forest a week back, stopped at a pull off next to a lake to eat and stretch. Castiel had a faint smile the entire time, or at least that's what Dean had thought he saw. He hadn't been staring at the guy, at least not after the weird look Sam gave him for it.

"Actually I think it's pissed him off, keeps muttering about the irresponsibleness of man or something...what are you...asldrkjg," some sort of scuffle ensued on the other end of the line. Dean sighed. Like taking care of a couple of 8 year olds.

"Dean." Castiel had apparently won the struggle for the phone, though Sam could still be heard struggling and asking for it back.

"Can you two just hold yourselves together for 5 more minutes, I'm basically there. Can't leave you for an hour."

"Why does man revel in explosions and destruction? This entire television program has revolved around gleeful arsonists. Is this what passes as entertainment for..." Cas growled his complaints at Dean, continuing his rant about what Dean assumed was Mythbusters.

"Look, Cas, I'm pulling up now. Just turn it off if you don't like it, and give Sam back his phone, we're getting food." As much as he hated seeing Cas frown and be upset, it was certainly amusing how much human culture annoyed the angel. With him added to the hunting party it was like having two little brothers to bother instead of just the one.

They drove up to their favorite BBQ place, Dean carting in a suspicious looking bag that was stuffed full of newspaper. It set Cas on edge, not knowing why Dean had the bag. It wasn't unusual for them to bring work to eat, going over the plans for a hunt, but the bag had 'Happy Birthday' scrawled all over it in pink...not typical for delving into demonic lore.

Sam had caught on of course, he knew what a present looked like even if the boys had never done much wrapping. He gave Dean smug questioning looks while they ate, smearing BBQ sauce all over themselves, but Dean wasn't giving any clues.

This was one of those rare occassions that Castiel ate with the boys. He didn't need food to live as they did, so for him it was an indulgence. He loved the taste of food, but didn't want to spoil the experience, so he didn't order the cheap greasy diner food they usually had on a daily basis, instead he waited for the good stuff. He'd found that he particularly liked cream filled pastries, especially the giant cream puffs that German restaurants always had. This BBQ fit the bill, so he gratefully chowed down on his rack of ribs. The tangy sauce made his mouth burn a little, but as he had discovered, that pain isn't bad. Especially when you have plenty of beer to wash it down. The old Cas would have felt guilty at something as selfish as indulging himself, but he had decided a while ago that enjoying the world God had created was not selfish or a sin. Although the taste of hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts should be added to the list of sinfull things in his opinion...

He and Sam discussed some of the things they'd been watching on TV that day, debating back and forth. Castiel of course already knew the science behind every natural thing in the world, but Sam could keep up with him and add in science that angels hadn't needed to know, like how computers worked and roads were put together. Usually Dean provided his views on things, or uneducated opinions, and a good-natured argument would ensue. But tonight Dean was quieter, content to just listen to them talk while he stuffed himself.

When they'd finished their food and were sitting watching the tail end of a baseball game Dean decided to give Cas his present. He heaved up the bag and set it in front of the angel. For some reason he felt nervous again, mind running a million miles an hour, What am I doing giving an angel a present? Castiel will probably just be confused and then embarassed because he didn't understand, and then I'll feel like such a complete douche. O God this was a stupid idea.

He braced himself for what was to come, making a point not to look at Sam who was doing his best to get Dean's attention. A mixture of amusement and curiousity was coming from him at what his brother was up to. Probably looked weird for Dean to give Cas a present, really Dean giving a present to anyone was weird. But for the moment Dean didn't care, he had wanted to do this so Cas better enjoy it.

Cas furrowed his brow, looking at the package suspiciously. Dean had placed it right in front of him and was looking at him expectantly, as well as blushing pink, making his freckles stand out. He looked to Sam for help, but he was busy staring Dean down and kicking him under the table to get his attention.

"I uh...what is this?"

"An elephant."

He squinted his eyes up, "Is that sarcasm? Because I don't think one would fit..."

"Yes of course it was sarcasm. Come on Cas. Just open it."

Dean was being characteristically gruff. He usually got like this when he was embarassed, and Cas knew better than to push him. Besides, it gave him a flush of pleasure to see Dean getting flustered.

He carefully began pulling out the newspaper that was filling the bag, not sure if there were other special proceedings when it came to gift giving and receiving. The angels had never given each other things, they didn't want for anything, so having this new earthly experience was exciting him as much as it was making him nervous that he would mess up.

Under all of the newspapers he found a camera. A digital one with a million settings, already outfitted with lens, strap, and manual. His heart soared as he delicately pulled it out of the bag and began to look it over. To his untrained eye it was a daunting piece of equipment, so many buttons and dials to use, but with a book or manual he could figure out any device. Immediately he opened the manual and looked for the 'power on' instructions, not wanting to waste a second before he could start using it.

"I take it you like it. You kept looking at those pictures you stole from that okami a while back, thought you'd like making your own. Sammy'll let you put them on the computer so you can print them out, right Sammy?" Dean was a deep red by now, pleased at how much Cas evidently liked his gift and embarassed at how unmanly it felt giving another dude a present.

"Huh, yea I mean, it'd be fine." Sam was too busy giving Dean a knowing look to pay much attention to how Cas was bent over with a smile, playing with his new toy. If only he'd just admit it, he thought, shaking his head at how Dean scowled back.

Castiel finally snapped back to awareness, looking up at Dean with wide eyes and one of his rare smiles. The gratitude he felt for the man was overwhelming, Dean probably had no idea how much the gift meant to him. He had been hesistant with him for years, knowing that Dean wasn't one to share emotions, but he could see Dean's feels as plain as if he had written them across his face. The bond they shared was only just beginning to form, from what Cas could tell, but he could sense how Dean's heart had been changing. This step towards him was important, and he needed Dean to understand that.

"Thank you Dean, this is...more than I could have ever asked for. I've never received anything before, and it's perfect," his smile broadened.

"Yea? Well, you're welcome," Dean managed out, looking anywhere but the smiling angel, trying to avoid having feelings he didn't quite understand shoved into his face. The smile Cas was giving him was not helping in his determination to ignore them. He got up to leave, "Time to head back, gotta get up early to scope out that vamp."

Sam and Cas shared a look, both able to read Dean like a book, but chose to let him feel safe in his head and didn't press the issue. Castiel gathered up his new camera and followed his human's, eagerly looking forward to capturing memories and making many more.

As Dean had expected, Castiel took his camera everywhere with him, constantly snapping pictures. He used the time in the car to test out appertures, reading and rereading photography books, and having two captive models with him made it all the more fun regardless of how much Dean hated having his picture taken. Though he took hundreds, he only had his absolute favorite ones printed. Those he kept in a shoe box he had scavenged, rarely letting either Sam or Dean look into it. He would write on the back of them, usually just a collection of feelings the picture gave him, details the camera couldn't capture. He wasn't very good at creating poetry, but he enjoyed reading it. His favorite verses were scribbled on the back of a few particular photos he charished.

He also began his world travels again, flitting off to spend an afternoon in Tibet or walk in the Sahara for an hour. The pictures he brought back from he excursions fascinated Sam, and they would spend hours discussing all that he had seen on his mini-trips. The yawning lion he had captured was Sam's favorite, even if it had resulted in a mean looking slash at the hem of the trenchcoat. Apparently he hadn't learned about 'zoom' and instead appeared in front of the beast for a moment before flying away prior to a full attack.

All these side trips only did one thing to Dean, and that was make him insane with jealousy. It was irrational, he knew, but he had wanted to explore with Castiel, show him the ropes along the way. And he was beginning to grow uncomfortable with how Castiel would always look up when he felt a particularly bad flare of resentment, it was almost like the angel was reading his thoughts, and those were already confusing him enough without needing to discuss them.

As his brooding mood got worse and worse Cas began to make his trips away from them less frequent. When he did go it wouldn't be far, and he'd come back with a sheepish look, as though he had been caught doing something he wasn't allowed to do. This of course only made Dean feel worse, knowing that his attitude was keeping Castiel from enjoying himself.

One day in July as they were driving through Tennessee Dean finally gave in and vented to Sam. Cas had just left on an hour long trek along the Great Wall of China, and if Dean didn't get his thoughts out he might scream.

"Damn it why doesn't he ever take us on these little trips of his. I thought that's why he's been hanging with us, so we can show him the world or whatever shit like that. I mean, least he could do would be bring back something fun like really real Chinese take out or swords or something," he complained. Sam just sighed and rolled his eyes, not interested in starting this conversation.

"Dude, seriously? You're cool with this? I got him the camera so he could amuse himself in the back, not so he could ditch us every chance he gets."

"Dean, if you want to spend time with him so bad then why don't you just make your own travel plans with him? I'm sure there's plenty of places here in the States you could take him to, I'll get some hunting in while you guys go," sighed Sam, exasperated at once again helping Dean deal with his emotional crap in a positive way instead of drinking the pain away.

"Well where would I even take him and woah...woah hold on, where'd you get the idea it was just me and him going anywhere? You're stuck in this car right along with us."

"God you're closeted."

"I'm not..." he glared over at his brother. If only Sam hadn't caught him necking it with some random guy when he was in high school his protest would have some validity. He wasn't gay, at least not in his mind. Sure he'd mess around a little bit with a guy once in a blue moon, but never start up a relationship, that was reserved for females. Besides, some heavy kissing and petting when you're lonely hardly means a massive sexual identity crisis. But Sam's raised eyebrows knew, and fighting would just make him say the words aloud.

"Look. I don't even know where the guy wants to go. Nothing here is as cool as the fucking pyramids in Egypt he climbed last week."

"Ok, well where's a place you like? Somewhere Dad took us between hunts. I bet he'd love to see someplace that has some meaning to you and provides something to photograph for his memory collection," Sam settled back down. Fight averted, he'd trapped Dean but wasn't going to force a discussion on topics deeper than where to vacation with the resident angel.

"Dad didn't give us much time between hunts to go being tourists Sam, or have you forgotten?," Dean searched his childhood, trying to think of somewhere that they had visited that would be suitable. He'd definitely liked Vegas, all the bars, women, and poker you could get, but didn't think taking an angel of the freaking Lord to sin city was a good idea.

For the next few days Dean and Sam would brainstorm when Castiel was gone, trying to think of what would appeal the most to him. As much time as he had spent with them, and as many time as he'd saved their asses over the past few years, they didn't know much about him.

It was a travel television show that gave Dean his idea. They had stopped at a random motel and were rotating the bathroom for showers. Dean came out, jeans sticking to his slightly damp hips, while he toweled off his hair. Sam and Cas were sprawled on the beds watching TV and sipping on beer. Sam got up when he saw Dean, going to take his turn. Dean kept rubbing the water out of his hair and sat on the edge of Castiel's bed. They had long set up a system of rotating between the two beds they could get and the floor/couch/Impala, and tonight was Dean's turn to sleep on the couch. This system was decided on after the awkward encounter of Cas getting in bed with Dean. He only shared a bed with Sam if they couldn't get a room with two, was best to keep Cas at arms length as much as possible.

The TV show ended and a new one came on that was exploring the top destinations in America. The opening flashed images of various landmarks, and the second Dean saw the Grand Canyon he knew where he was taking his angel. Or rather...their angel.

John had taken the boys there for the first time when Dean was 6, Sam had still been too little to remember. The trip was one of the good memories he had of his father. John was relaxed and almost excited to show his son the beauty of nature for once, instead of the dark side of it. They came back several times over the years, anytime they were in the area for a hunt and could spare the time. It was a little piece of himself that he had always held onto without realizing it. It was the perfect place to start with Cas.

"We're driving and that's final! There's no other way to see it, trust me Cas, we got this figured out," Dean huffed, trying not to look too angrily into the rear-view. He remembered the first time they'd come to the Grand Canyon when he was about 5, how amazing the giant chasm was after hours of flat desert. Each subsequent visit always brought the same feelings back up, and they had made a point to stop whenever they were in the area.

He glanced over at Sam and saw the small nod, he remembered his first time here too. This was an innately human experience, seeing nature at it's most extreme, and they were going to make it as authentic for Cas as they could.

"Alright Sammy, get out the desert tunes," he cracked a one sided smirk, "Only one band for it, Van Halen."

"Dean, you say that about them in every area we go through."

"Yea well that's because they're the best," it earned him an eye roll, "Now shut up and get it playing." Arm thrown over the back of the front bench he slid down into the seat, already feeling the weight of the past few years lift off his shoulders.

He heard a click, glancing up in the rear-view to see Cas quickly pull the camera down and examine the photo he just took of the back of the brothers heads. A small twitch at the corners of his mouth showed that he was pleased with the moment he had captured. Settling in, they listened to the music and let the worries of the years roll off into the dust.

Sweat dripped into his eyes, pulling his attention from the road for a moment. It was hot as hell in Arizona, sun beating down and warming up the car. Only time he didn't like the black paint, made it ten times hotter inside. Not that anything's wrong with you baby, it's the heat talking I swear.

Sam lounged next to him, legs stretched as much as they could, just as sweat covered as Dean. Only Castiel seemed to be enjoying himself. He'd taken off the trenchcoat and suit jacket, stretching out in the back. The windows were rolled down and he watched the endless nothing of the desert crawl by with a small contented smile.

Time stretched on. The day seemed as though it had been going on for months. The first sign came into view, 'Grand Canyon -', and Dean turned down the dusty road. Cas sat up straighter, getting out his camera and checked the settings, not wanting to waste any time with equipment once they arrived.

An hour later they saw the ground on the horizon darken, Dean slowed so that the full approach of the canyon rim wouldn't happen too fast. As many times as they had come here it never failed to overwhelm him with it's size and enormity. They grappled with things beyond their understanding on a daily basis, but none of that struck him quite like the giant hole in the ground before them.

Cas leaned up onto the back of the front seat, getting as good a view as he could.

"I remember when this Canyon was formed, watching the water cut away bit by bit. But Dean, I must agree with you. Seeing it this way is...worth the time," Cas spoke reverently. He rarely mentioned his vast millenniums worth of knowledge.

"Huh. So you were there? You know Cas, I keep wanting to ask, the dinosaurs? Were they...I don't know, awesome?" Sam just couldn't contain his curiosity.

"I'm not sure why you'd want to know about the giant lizards Sam, there were far more interesting things happening.."

Alright this is getting over my head real fast. Leave it to Sam to ruin a peaceful drive with annoying questions. "OK! We're here! Everyone out, time to commune with nature or whatever," Dean grumbled. He hated feeling ignorant. So he hadn't enjoyed learning in school? He knew more than Sam ever would about hunting, and that's that.

They tumbled out of the car, stretching their cramped limbs. For the next hour Sam and Dean leaned against the Impala, breathing in the dry desert air and watching Cas scamper about the edge of the canyon snapping pictures as he went.

"You know, I think this is good for him. He hates not being 'normal' to us humans. Where else are you thinking of taking him? DC, Yosemite, Grand Tetons?" Sam mused, pushing his sweat damp hair back out of his face.

Dean grunted, rolling up off the Impala and squinting over at the curious angel, "Maybe we'll try the ocean next, either of them. He'd probably try talking to the dolphins or some shit," he said with a ghost of a smile, lightly chuckling at the thought of Castiel interrogating the sea life.

Sam laughed, loud and relaxed. Dean had missed times like this, when everyone could just kick back between a hunt and enjoy life.

Castiel heard their laughter and came over, panting a little in the heat. He looked almost human in the t-shirt Dean had lended to him, the heat was too much for the suit to be comfortable.

"I never thought I'd feel small, but this place...it even makes me feel insignificant. I can't wait to see the pictures...wait don't move," he pulled the camera back up and snapped the two brothers leaning agains the Impala, canyon swallowing the light behind them.

They all stood together, silently watching the world around them as the sun headed west, casting new shadows.

"Alright well...we should head out. Need to find a place to crash before it's too dark," Dean solemnly announced.

"I'm starving, think that diner over on the south rim is still there?" Sam's stomach growled, adding it's agreement.

"Eh, well I guess we'll see. Certainly could use a cold beer right about now."

They packed back in, Sam switching to the back so he could stretch out his limbs and try to nap.

For a while they drove in silence, each lost in their own world of thought.

Dean looked over at Cas in the passengers seat, watching the way the wind from the window flipped his hair about. With the t-shirt and carefree expression it was easy for Dean to forget the angelic part. He watched a bead of sweat roll down the back of Cas's neck, and reached over to wipe it up with his thumb. But he stopped half-way, realizing what he was doing, and instead put his arm along the back of the seat bench, hoping Cas hadn't noticed.

But he had, of course, and turned to look at Dean, pleasant confusion coming across his face. He said nothing about the almost touch though. Just felt immense gratitude and happiness.

"Dean, thank you for this. I'm glad you insisted that we go see the Canyon. And for the camera. I've never had anything that's actually...mine. It feels good to know that I'll have this pictures to remind me of times like this."

Dean played it cool, scoffing and mumbling something about it being nothing, he'd do it for anyone. But his heart wasn't really in it, Cas could tell, and he smiled, turning back to watch the horizon in companionable silence, Dean's hand almost on his shoulder.


	3. Shoebox Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are no fun, except when Dean stumbles into one of Cas'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW this chapter ran way longer than I expected. I couldn't stop writing once I started, and wanted to keep this all together in one piece. A few new ideas are introduced in this one, so let me know your thoughts please! Artist Cas makes me giggle :p

The weeks dragged on, summer turning to autumn. Dean drove, Sam read, Cas took pictures. Though their lives had never been easy, Sam and Dean felt the most content now than ever before, even if they'd never admit it. Having a single location as home didn't seem as important to them as driving where they wanted and enjoying life with Cas. They were all each others best friends, and the worries and betrayals of the last few years fell away quickly.

Cas stopped his travels, staying with the Winchesters. He now had two shoeboxes for his photos, one marked as 'special project', and almost never had his nose out from behind his camera or a book of poetry. He'd occasionally sit up from the back seat and read one to them, or quote from memory whenever it seemed to go with their surroundings.

They showed Cas the best the country had to offer, traveling to the Grand Tetons, the Everglades, and back over to the Redwood Forests in California. He ate up life like a man starved, content to explore from the back seat of an old muscle car. The glory of his father was played out in the nature that surrounded them and in the two brothers who had become his family. Castiel was a very happy angel indeed.

As the nights began getting colder they dreaded when they would have to take turns sleeping in the Impala outside. The blanket they kept in there wasn't nearly warm enough to make them comfortable, and whoever's turn it was always spent the next day chugging coffee and grumbling.

It was a particularly cold night in Toledo, Ohio that Dean broke. He hadn't been sleeping well for a long time, and was burrowed down in the back seat, willing his body to warm and settle down.  _Those two in there probably have the heat cranked. Like a fucking sweat lodge. Sleeping like no one else is cold,_ his exhaustion muddled thoughts complained. For another hour he turned back and forth, whining about how good the other two had it.

Unable to settle he sighed, opening his eyes and looking up at the window. Frost was beginning to form.  _Alright, fuck this and fuck whatever they'll say about it. I'm not getting frost bite just because the angel couldn't help himself months ago._

He got out of the car, joints moving stiffly in the cold, and went into the motel room they'd rented for the night. Not wanting to wake them he closed the door without a sound and took off his shoes next to the little table by the window.

The parking lot streetlights were the only illumination in the little dingy motel room, and he could see Sam's massive body sprawled over his bed, taking up all the room. Dean went over to nudge him to make room, but as he got closer saw that Sam only had on a pair of boxers, covers kicked into a ball around his thighs. They may be brothers, but that'd be a little too much skin contact for Dean to put up with.

He moved over to the bed by the back wall,  _Guess I'll have to bed down with the angel. Should probably put a pillow barricade between us, don't want him trying to cuddle again._  But his heart wasn't really in his thoughts, the fatigue of sleeplessness was weighing on him, and fortunately Cas had the good sense to sleep with some clothing on.

Reaching over he pressed on Cas's shoulder lightly, not wanting to wake him too much. The heat under his hand made him want to bury under the covers and surround himself with the warmth, get it to sink under his skin and never leave, that thought only slightly disturbing him.  _It's the fatigue, I'm just tired and cold._

Cas scrunched up his face at the nudge, barely opening his eyes, before scooting a little to make more room for Dean before burrowing down a little more in the covers. Dean pulled off his belt, and pushed his jeans down a bit before sitting on the edge of the bed, working the fabric off of his legs. Finally comfortable, he got down under the covers, making sure to leave a good foot between the two of them at all times. The heat from touching Cas's shoulder was nothing compared to the furnace of the sheets, Dean nearly groaned aloud at how good it felt after the cold vinyl of the car seat.

He looked up at his bed companion's face and found his eyes to be open and watching him. Bright blue eyes had shifted to nearly black in the darkness of the room, but the kindness and love in them showed plain as day. They tentatively gave half smiles at each other before Dean remembered himself and scowled a bit, pulling the covers up to his ear. It took no time for him to fall asleep, drifting calmly without dreams for the first time in months. The same couldn't be said for Cas though, he stayed up watching Dean's face relax. The hard expression he usually wore softening as he slipped deeper into sleep.

Unable to stop himself he reached out, lightly cupping the exposed cheek and jaw in his hand, feeling the contrast between the bones and skin. He ran his thumb over Dean's lips, amazed at how soft they were to touch. While he may be inhabiting a human vessel, he had little experience with physical touch. Now he understood the power it held for humans, his nerves picking up every scarred ridge, the soft give of flesh, and the feel of life. He lost himself in the steady warmth from Dean's slow breathing, feeling his breath pass over his hand. Wars had been waged for beauty less than this man a foot from him.

Drawing his hand back over to himself he let Dean sleep undisturbed. The only thought troubling him was the wish that he could use his camera and keep a memory of this moment.

* * *

The next morning not a word was said about Cas and Dean sharing a bed together. Sam didn't pester them or even give Dean a look. It was just accepted and everyone went on their business as usual.

That night was Cas's turn to sleep outside. Though he could easily angel-mojo-fly his way to a warm bed anywhere in the world he waited an hour and then went back into their room. Dean had already left space for him in the bed by the bathroom, and with a burst of warmth of love in his heart he quickly stripped down to appropriate clothing for sleep. The first time he had tried to sleep in the same room as the boys he had left on every bit of his suit, and Sam had patiently explained that a t-shirt and boxers was much more comfortable and socially acceptable. The memory made him chuckle softly to himself, there was so much for him to learn. Sliding into bed beside Dean he couldn't help but stare once again, drinking in the calm face Dean had while sleeping.

Thirty minutes later he still couldn't sleep, just kept watching Dean and trying to keep his thoughts pure. But unfortunately, one of the consequences of being somewhat cut off from Heaven was becoming more like man. And his eyes lingered long on the curve of Dean's neck, and trailed across his shoulders. He saw them often enough when Dean would come out from the shower or strip down to wash off the Impala. And the thoughts of the strong muscles that could tense when fighting yet also soften when he'd laugh...well it was having a human response on Cas. The warm love he'd been feeling in his heart split in two, the second part settling hot and heavy over his groin.

He may admittedly know little about appropriate social behaviors, but he was completely sure that this response was not alright to be having while sleeping with a friend. He hastily reached down, pressing onto his half-erection, willing it to go away. The movement jostled the bed slightly, bringing Dean out from the deep sleep he was in, though not enough to fully wake him. He moaned and whined a bit, then turned over to lay on his stomach, face still directed towards Cas.

The angel released a breath he hadn't realized he'd held. If Dean had been upset over that one time when they actually touched while in bed, though innocently, then there is no telling how angry he would get if he saw that Cas had his hand down the waistband of his boxers. There's no way he could explain that he was only trying to relieve the pressure built there.

Dean's turn had moved the covers down, and instinctually Cas reached over and pulled them back up to his neck, knowing that Dean preferred to be surrounded in warm. There had been many nights during the years that he had watched over the brothers as they slept, Dean always deeply buried, Sam kicking off every bit of covering he could.

That final movement was enough to wake Dean. His eyes immediately focused on Cas's arm where it grasped the edge of the comforter. His gaze shifted up to look at the angel, a guilty and apprehensive expression on Cas's face as he drew his hand back over.  _This is it. I've been caught and now he'll tell me to go again. Maybe I should just tell him, let it out and have him finally shut whatever this is down for good._

But to his amazement Dean just gave him a half smile, eyes heavy with sleep, then closed them and fell back into whatever dream he had been having. The fear of being caught doing something Dean would not like or want had stilled the heat and need of his cock, soft again beneath his hand where he had been pressing it down.

Amazed that he hadn't been caught, Cas rolled onto his back, forcing Dean from his field of vision. He could feel a slight bit of heat warming his cheeks, though whether it was from embarrassment or joy at that little smile he'd received...that he couldn't tell. Maybe it was a bit of both. He slept that night, full of contentment at how incredibly close he felt to Dean, regardless of the actual distance between them.

After that night the precedent had been made and without discussion Cas and Dean always shared a bed, staying a respectful distance from each other, but giving tentative looks every time the other wasn't paying attention.

* * *

It had been two weeks since the new routine had been set up. They began hunting less and less, all of them enjoying the peace and quiet. Dean's mood improved drastically with the good rest he was getting, he'd never known just how exhausted he was from the nightmares and restlessness until Castiel came along and soothed everything with his warmth. The safety he felt knowing that the infinitely stronger angel was next to him gave him eased the worry in his heart. He almost found himself looking forward to night times, excited to relax and let the worry fall away.

Castiel stayed absorbed in his poetry and photography. The 'special' box of his photos kept under the driver seat of the Impala, away from prying eyes, and he never opened it around the brothers. They didn't ask though, letting him keep his secrets whatever they were, however they certainly wondered.

It was one day while Dean was cleaning that he broke into that part of Cas, opening a door they could never close. They had driven to Bobby's house to stay for a bit, and he found himself with the afternoon free while Sam and Bobby went to stock up on food and Cas was busy taking pictures of the wreckage around the place. He pulled the box out, intending to give the carpets a good vacuuming, and set it on the trunk out of harms way.

As he dove back in to grab a stack of books out he heard a soft thud, and sighed, knowing the box of photos must have slid off the car.  _Cas is gonna kill me, should have been more careful where I put that thing_.

He got out from the backseat and went around the car to pick up the pictures, but stopped when he saw them. They were all of feathers. White, brown, black, blue with grey tips, fat, small, all types. He began collecting them back up, and recognized the flight feathers of a goose in one, and the iridescent splash of blue from a mallard in another. They were beautiful, the lighting creating perfect contrasts, the focus soft in the background. He turned one over, wondering what poem Cas had written on the back for these, but instead found the bird name. Castiel had identified each species, scrawling the name in the bottom corner in his precise handwriting.

Dean finally collected them all then gave in to his curiosity, looking through each one and reading the back. He had decided that his favorite was the Peregrine Falcon, because of the intensity Castiel had brought out in the spotting, until he came to one that was midnight black with a slight shine of navy blue. This one was massive, had been laid out on top of a park bench, easily 2.5 feet long. The black was incredibly dense, swallowing the middle of the picture, and the tinge of blue added the depth, shining in the light. Dean turned over the picture and froze. In the bottom corner was written 'Castiel'.

"What are you doing Dean."

 _Fuck. Me._  Dean slowly raised his eyes up to the seething angel in front of him. He hadn't even heard him walk up, but he had certainly heard the anger in his voice.

"Uhm..."  _God where do I even begin. He's literally going to smite me._

"Why are you going through my things Dean? If you wanted to see them, you could have just asked like Sam did. I don't hide anything from you, but I do not appreciate you sneaking into my things without my permission." Cas's anger began to fade, annoyance remaining. His blue eyes drilled into Dean, holding him down and accountable with their intensity. It made Dean's skin crawl, he felt as though Castiel was seeing through the layers of him, reading him like a book.

"No man, it's not...I was cleaning the car and took it out to get the back clean...and it fell. I'm sorry I didn't mean to..." Dean stumbled through his apology. They weren't his strong suit, and it was showing.  _Better try that again_.

"Look, I'll put them back, I didn't mean to pry."

" _Sigh_...yes please do. It's a project I've been working on, I don't want to lose any of them," Cas turned to go, heading in the direction of the house.

Dean placed the photos reverently back in the box then stuffed it back in its place in the back seat, cleaning forgotten for the moment. He hurried to catch up, there were too many questions going through his mind, and he had never been one to hold back from his impulses.

"Wait up, you showed those to Sam already? How come he got to see them and I didn't? I'm the one you crawl in bed with every.."

Cas stopped dead in his tracks at that, turning on Dean with a snarl, "What makes you think that gives you the right to stick your nose where it does not belong? I had made it very clear that you weren't to look, can you not follow any instructions?" He was up in Dean's face now, stalking towards him until Dean felt a pile of cars against his back, stopping his retreat away from the angel. His green eyes widened in fear, body shrinking away, it was enough to make Cas stop and think for a moment. He sighed, turning away from the man, and began walking towards the house again.

It wasn't that he didn't want Dean to see the pictures, he just had wanted to share them rather than have Dean stumble on them. It was something personal to him, something he had created, and it felt as though Dean had ripped off his shirt and exposed him without permission.

He went back into the house, throwing himself into a chair at the table, anger gone. But a minute later Dean followed, taking a seat across from Cas, the box back in his hands. He'd pried into something personal without realizing it, but was foolhardy enough to demand answers.

Castiel regarded him, a weary expression on his face, then rolled his eyes,  _Might as well tell him_. "Sam only saw a few of them, he asked what it was and I wanted an opinion on my project. I didn't think you would...understand enough to tell me if it was artistically cohesive. It's a portfolio, I've read that a lot of photographers focus on one thing and explore it, so that's what I'm doing."

Dean nodded thoughtfully, looking back at the box and opening it up. He would never have guessed what Cas had pictures of in here, there was so much that he kept from them. He'd had time to think now, and only had one question, digging through the pictures to find the one on his mind.

He pulled out the one marked 'Castiel' and held it up to show the angel, who promptly turned deep red and looked away. He clearly did not want to answer the question in Dean's eyes.

"I'll just ask this one question Cas. What's up with this picture? All the others have bird names, how come this one has your name?"

He saw the indecision on Cas's face as he looked back up, small furrow between his brows. Finally he sighed, reaching over and taking the picture from Dean.

"Why do you think bird feathers fascinate me Dean?", he touched the edge of the feather in the picture with the tip of a forefinger.

"Well that'd be why I'm asking, I don't..."

"Think Dean. What are angels always depicted as having that I clearly do not have to your eyes?" his blue eyes pressed into Dean, watching the realization sink in.

"Wings."  _Ok this makes sense now. God I'm thick, how could I not see that_ , Dean mentally kicked himself. "Do you mean you don't have any at all and now you have an obsession with them or something? 'Cause the first time we met is burned into my mind and there were definitely a pair there somewhere...or at least a shadow."

"No, I do have them, just not visible ones. It's quite cumbersome to have them around physically, I only let the shadow fall then so that you would have irrefutable proof. Humans are very visual after all." He reached over and dragged the box over, starting to go through them while he explained to Dean, "The feathers tell you a lot about the bird they're attached to. They're markings, help them identify each other and in some species help draw in mates. Each one is distinguishable as one type or another. The same is true for the feathers of angels," he held up the picture of the large black feather, "for example, this one is mine. It's black and sometimes has a shade of blue in the right light. Each angel has different colors and patterns. Gabriel's are considered the most beautiful, a bright shiny gold. Lucifer's were silver, almost the color of the moon, before he lost them. Mine are...dull. Fitting for a soldier."

"You know what I thought earlier Cas? When I saw that picture? I thought, 'This one is my favorite, out of all these.' So don't go all self-hating on me, because I'm the king of that. You have awesome feathers and don't let those douchebags you once called your brothers and sisters tell you otherwise." Dean spoke gruffly, but with a tenderness behind the words. He broke their eye contact, sharing something of himself in return for Cas opening like this for him, "You know, Sam used to tell me that he'd got all the beauty and brains while I just got the negatives. That my freckles and bow legs were ridiculous, still makes fun of them when he's in the mood. But things like that, they make you unique. So don't listen to what they said. I'm telling you that your feathers are beautiful, and that's all you need to care about."

Those words hadn't meant to come out the way they did, and the second he said them he turned a deep red, humiliation taking over. But they reached Cas, and the furrow in his brow smoothed out as he smiled wistfully. Those were words he never knew he needed. His reluctance to share this with Dean was because he assumed he'd just be scoffed at, but this, this was what he'd dreamed of hearing.

"Thank you Dean, maybe I should take your word for it."

Dean suddenly realized something important, head snapping back up, "Can I see them sometime? Your wings I mean." His eagerness making his green eyes gleam.

"I don't...I don't think that's a good idea. It's not that easy to bring them here physically, and...I just don't know." Cas rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, getting slightly uncomfortable at the idea, but also wanting to show Dean.  _His reaction so far has been good, maybe he could handle it_.

"Dude, come on. You can't just drop this on me and not let me see them!" Dean did his best attempt at sad-puppy-eyes, they weren't as good as Sam's, but seemed to work on Cas, who huffed and gave a small half-smile. Dean triumphantly beamed.

"Can we do it tonight though, before bed?" Bobby's van had just pulled up out front, "I don't really want to show my wings to them. It's...very personal."

"Yea man, no problem. I'm gonna hold you to it, no chickening out," Dean got up going to help unload. He was glad they didn't have to do it right now, this was something that would just be between him and Cas, like the glances they gave each other every night when they crawled into bed. He didn't want to share, not even with Sam.

Cas replaced the lid onto his project box, and took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was to come later. His wings were something deeply personal, they weren't meant to be shown to mortal eyes, but he knew Dean had earned the right. And if he admitted it, it was something he longed to do. Opening himself up completely to another, letting trust and love take over, it made him physically ache with his need for it.

* * *

If Dean could find the ability to fast-forward through time he would use it now. The evening dragged on, and every time he looked at the clock it barely seemed to move. Sam was getting annoyed with him bouncing his leg with impatience, and Bobby wouldn't stop scowling at him. Cas just kept getting paler, nerves scratching him thin.

The second after it turned 10:00 Dean decided it was finally acceptable time to cart the angel off to bed so he could get a look at his wings. He grunted, stood up from the poker game they were playing, and fake stretched while yawning.

"Well I'm beat, time to hit the hay. How about you Cas? Coming up?"

Bobby's eyebrows rose about a million miles.  _Dammit, forgot he didn't know about our...arrangements yet. Fuck how do I explain this_. It was their first night at the Singer residence and there hadn't been a good time to drop the 'Dean is sleeping in the same bed as the male angel' bomb.

Bobby stayed frozen, a picture of astonishment, but turned to look at Sam for an explanation. Unsure how to break the news either Sam just shrugged and pursed his lips.

Cas got up slowly, feeling incredibly uncomfortable, "I will go up first if you don't mind. I need to get fully prepared."

 _O my God that didn't help at all Cas, thanks for that_. Dean ran a hand over his face, nodding as Cas went past him and headed up the stairs.

The three stayed silent until they heard Cas get onto the second floor landing, Bobby lashing out at the same time Dean began to defend.

"BOY, what the hell are you doing with a fucking angel of the Lord?"

"Look he's terrible at saying things, it didn't come out right so just chill!"

Sam had to intervene before an actual fight broke out. He knew Bobby wasn't going to take it well, more concerned for Cas's innocence than upset at the idea of Dean being gay for the angel.

"Look Bobby, it's cool. Cas needed a place to stay and the places we can get only ever have two beds, he's been sharing with Dean. I take up too much room," Sam explained.

"Oh. Well if that's all." Bobby was clearly not alright with the idea, but had stopped trying to wring Dean's neck.

Dean's excitement at finally getting to see Cas's wings took back over, and he muttered a good night and calm the fuck down, then ran up the stairs two at a time. His hands were almost trembling with his excitement and nervousness.

Cas was already in the room that Dean had claimed long ago during stays at Bobby's. Though it had been plenty of room when he was 10 years old, there was barely enough room for the two grown men to move past each other. Cas was waiting on the bed, cross legged up at the pillows bouncing his knee with anticipation.

"Close the door and come sit in front of me. I think I'm...as ready as I can be," Cas pulled off the trench coat, folding it neatly in front of him, the suit jacket quickly following. Dean got comfortable on the end of the bed, unsure what to do or say.

"Angel wings only appear similar to birds because of our initial affinity for them. They can fly where they choose and are the more free of our Fathers creations because of that. We don't have freedom, we are bound to serve humanity, and therefore chose to adopt the wings as a physical representation. In my true form I have 6 and they are less...what's the word I want...tangible?" Cas started unbuttoning his dress shirt as he explained, "They tend to shift and are more a part of my mind...again, it's difficult to explain to a mortal. Suffice it to say that wings are a very personal part of an angel, and are not shared lightly. Some of my brothers choose to flaunt theirs, but I prefer to keep mine to myself."

"So angels are to wings like girls are to their tits?" Cas looked Dean in the eye at that, and Dean immediately regretted the analogy.

"I would not say it so crassly, but yes, I suppose so," the shirt was shrugged off his shoulders and the undershirt similarly folded on the pile in front of him.

Dean couldn't help but stare. He hadn't seen Cas without a shirt before, he'd always used his angel mojo to keep his vessel clean, and slept with an undershirt on. Not as muscular as the Winchester boys, but enough to hold his own. His slim waist had slightly jutting hip bones. Hip bones had always been a turn on of Dean's, he loved biting into them then running his tongue over the ridge. But woah, now was not the time to be thinking about that.

"Well, whenever you're ready, hit me with 'em!" Dean was getting antsy, needed something to do besides mentally lick the angel's exposed skin.

"I wouldn't hit you Dean, unless you plan on being insolent."

"Just an expression, forget it. Whenever you're ready..." and with a soft rustle they were there, almost filling up the small room.

Dean could hardly keep his eyes still, he wanted to see every inch of Cas's wings at once. They had to be at least a 15 ft span, huge powerful muscles shifting under the layers of feathers. The single feather from the picture had seemed to swallow the light, but these stifled the sound as well. Dean could swear he heard his heart beating. For several minutes he sat looking at each feather with wonder in his eyes before looking back at the angel who owned them. Cas had his gaze averted, a slight blush on his cheeks.

"Cas...they're amazing. I don't even know what to tell you man, just...wow." Dean smiled, shaking his head in wonder at the sight before him. Without thinking he reached forward, trailing the back of his hand over the feathers just behind Cas's head. The angel closed his eyes, relaxing under Dean's touch. Dean could feel the power radiating from them, it reminded him of just how unworthy he was. How all the years of selling souls, killing demons, and ganking all the sons of bitches they could find had probably damaged him beyond repair. Time in hell aside, he knew that he could never be worthy of the devotion the angel showed him. But he just couldn't stop running his hands through those feathers.

"I'm glad you like them Dean. I don't show them to just anyone, only those who I trust with everything have the privilege." He locked his gaze on Dean's green eyes, trying to convey more emotion than he had just said. Dean understood, he nodded slightly, this was something no one else could have. Just like the hand print on his shoulder showed that Castiel knew every bit of him, he now could see beneath the mask Cas wore for the world. This softness and vulnerability, it was something he hadn't expected.

With a shudder Cas drew his wings back from the physical world. It was exhausting to keep them corporeal for long. The feather Dean had been holding stayed behind though, a small underwing feather. Dean regarded it, twisting it between his fingers and watching the way the light played the blue across the black. Then he reached over and placed it on the nightstand.

Cas slumped forward slightly, the fatigue hitting him, "I think I'm going to go to bed. It was more difficult than I thought to hold them here for long."

"Yea, no problem. I should turn in too, gotta rest when we can." Dean scrambled from the bed, feeling suddenly awkward.

Cas pulled down the covers and slid into his side, looking back at Dean expectantly.  _How did it come to this? When did we decide that he got the left side and that we wouldn't sleep without the other there_ , Dean thought. He didn't want the moment to end, unsure of how to continue. It felt as though they'd taken a big step toward something, though what that was, he couldn't guess. This...something...that they'd opened up between them weighed him down. Made him feel at home and afraid all at once.

Tucking himself down next to Cas, leaving a respectful distance as always, he instinctively reached over, running his hand over the angel's ear to rest on the back of his neck. He knew what his fears were, could see them painted across Cas's face as he felt them too.

They didn't want to lose each other, not now that they had opened up in ways that made them vulnerable.

Dean pulled Cas in, pressing a light kiss to his lips. He could hear Cas's nervous swallow, feel the slight tremble as he pressed his lips into Dean's. He inhaled the scent of earth and water that surrounded Cas and always made him think of a mountain stream in the spring.

Pulling back he searched Cas's eyes, reading all of the questions that were held in them. This wasn't the time to answer them, this was a time without words, a time meant only for them. He gave Cas another kiss, harder this time, trying to convey all his emotion into one single touch.

Cas opened his mouth in a silent gasp, marveling at the way a touch as simple as this could make his whole being vibrate with love and pleasure. But before they could move into further territory he put a hand on Dean's chest and gave a slight push, breaking the kiss. He almost didn't have the strength to end it at the confused and afraid look Dean gave him, but assured him with a smile and a playful nip on his lower lip.

He pressed forward, nestling his head onto Dean's shoulder, and they wrapped each other up in their arms, sharing their heat. Questions were for morning, tonight was for peace and love.

Dean reached over and flipped off the light, looking once more at the feather on the nightstand. He turned his head back to the angel that was drifting off on his shoulder, and gave a contented sigh for the first time in years.

Whatever came tomorrow, they had this moment as their own. And Dean would never let it go.


	4. Contentment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas have finally realized their feelings for each other -- cute and fluffy before things really get going for this story!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the posting delay, I was in the hospital with appendicitis this weekend so couldn't post. Shorter and sappy fluff chapter :) This story will get dramatic soon, so I want to give the boys some good memories to fall back on. And no need to rush into what lies ahead for our favorite pair!

Light filtered in the small window, announcing that morning had arrived. Dean had always hated that the room faced east, it meant the sun beat right onto his face prompty at sunrise. But today might change his mind on the subject.

 _Ugh dammit, I forgot to pull the blinds. Can't a man get some sleep with his angel for God's sake_. That last thought halted whatever griping he was getting ready to do, suddenly remembering Castiel. The angel was curled up on Dean's chest, head nuzzled into the dip between his neck and shoulder. The early morning sunlight glinted off his black hair, giving him a literal angelic glow. And the bow of his parted lips as he slept was too tempting for Dean.

He reached up, running a finger over Cas's lower lip, marveling at how soft it was, easily giving beneath his touch. The softness and warmth belied the angel contained within. If he chose to he could remove Dean from the face of Earth in an instant, or drop him back into Hell, but Dean knew he never would. Not now at least.

The sun continued to rise, slowly hitting Cas's face and rousing him from the deep sleep he'd been in. He felt surrounded by warmth on all sides, and with a start realized that he was curled onto Dean. But the arms around him tightened, holding him in place, while Dean shushed him, telling him to relax and enjoy the morning while they could.

And so they enjoyed it, settling back into the warm covers, eating up every moment that they had together, and held on to the peace they'd created. They knew they needed to talk, needed to define what was happening, but were too afraid of what the other was thinking to risk starting down that road. So instead they stayed wrapped in each others arms, pretending that the world outside the room wasn't coming for them.

It was Sam who tore their quiet reverie away, pounding on the door, "Time to get up you guys. Dean, I'll make the coffee if you make the bacon and eggs."

"Yea ok, just give me a minute to wake up first." Dean stretched, preparing himself to leave the warmth of Cas.

"Sam? Could you make me a hot tea?" Cas asked, still groggy from sleep.

"No problem. Just don't take all day you guys." Sam lumbered down the stairs, making more noise than Dean thought necessary.

"Well, you ready to face the day sunshine?" Dean grinned down at Cas.

"I am, though I wish I weren't," Cas pulled himself from Dean, not wanting to move but needing to. But Dean pulled him back down for a kiss, one hand sliding up to tangle in his dark curls. The kiss was long, slow, and filled with warmth. There was no rush to reach the end, just lips brushing together, small gasps letting in tongues, and one faint moan from Cas at the bite Dean placed on his lower lip.

At that sound Dean pulled back, looking deep into Cas's blue eyes, and he felt alive. Scared out of his mind for what was to come of this, but for the first time since the angel dragged him from hell he felt charged up and ready to take on the world. All that Dean could think of while looking at Cas was ' _finally'._ This had been a long time coming for him even if he'd never acknowledged, and if he knew Cas, it had to be even longer for him. It had been Cas that searched for him through the levels and pits of Hell, it had been Cas that pieced back together his soul and body from the dust, it had been Cas that watched over him night after night.

 _This,_ whatever this was, is what they were meant to do and to have. He wanted to convey all of that to Cas, wanted to tell him until his thoughts were consumed with nothing but Dean's love and thankfulness and everything he had. But...he had no idea were to start, he didn't want to mess this up like all his other relationships and one night stands. What could be with Cas...well it was more than all of those combined, and it could be the end of him if he let himself get fully tangled in it.

Cas gave a small smile then looked away. He needed to know where this stood, have some idea what they were getting into. Dean's track record with relationships wasn't good, he knew, and this was something he didn't want to mess up or have little meaning to them. He had risked so much for the man already, and didn't know if his love was being returned or if this was just how Dean treated his 8-hr-lovers. This was big, and it could be something immense, but they needed to be on the same page.

With a small frown he began, "Dean, we need to talk..."

"No, nuh-uh, not this early. I haven't even had coffee," Dean scrambled back out of the bed, looking around for his jeans.

Cas slumped a bit, knowing full well what a struggle it was going to be to get Dean to talk. His charge's insolence had been unbearable before, always choosing to do whatever he felt like at the moment, changing his mind the next second. He loved that unpredictability, but sometimes, like today, it made him want to grind his teeth in frustration.

"Dean..." Cas warned, not wanting to fight but not wanting to let Dean go without knowing what was happening.

"Look, let's just get some breakfast and start our day, give us some time to think on this," he leaned over, briefly kissing Cas on the forehead, "then we can talk later once we've had some time. Deal?"

Letting out a huff Cas slumped back on the bed, scowling at the rising sun out the window. "Fine. But you will talk to me. You know you can't hide."

Dean made to say something back at that, he always did like to have the last word, but thought better of it and slammed his mouth shut before stalking out of the room to go shower.  _How am I going to tell him? How can I possibly tell a fucking angel that I love him? Do I actually_  love  _him or is this just some weird psycho Freudian thing?_ _There has to be some heavenly rule against this._  He let the cold water wash away his worries, focusing instead on lathering soap over every inch of himself.

Breakfast was an awkward thing. Dean and Cas couldn't stop touching under the table, a hand against a knee one minute, fingers grazing each other the next. They tried to hide it from Sam and Bobby as best they could, but they hopelessly failed. The happy vibes seemed to just radiate from them. Sam just smirked, glad to see his brother calm for once in a long while and enjoying that Castiel was in a good mood. Bobby just looked from one to the other, eyes squinted up, waiting for whatever bomb was going to drop, but when it didn't come he sighed and stalked off to research for their next hunt.

"You two seem...cheery," Sam said. It was half question and half statement. Dean knew he was itching to know what had happened between them, whether he was going to be brother-in-laws with an angel and  _wait_  a moment when did Dean decide that was going to happen?

Mind running a mile a minute Dean got up to go help Bobby, running a hand over Cas's shoulder as he passed, "Had a pretty fantastic night's sleep Sammy, right Cas?"  _That'll show him, stick it under his nose and he'll squirm_.

True to form Sam turned red and rolled his eyes, whispering 'jerk' under his breath, Cas ducked his head and gave Dean a small smile as he walked away.

The rest of the day was awkward as well. At least for Sam and Bobby it was. Dean and Cas spent the day giving each other quick glances, half-smiles, and touching each other every second they could. Always chaste, they would graze a hand over a neck, give a reassuring pat on the knee, or place a chin on a shoulder while reading a coroners report.

Only once was a kiss stolen, and much to his dismay it was Dean who found himself backed up against a wall in the hallway, Castiel grabbing at the edges of his flannel button down. The angel pushed him roughly into the wall, enjoying the look of surprise he received as a reward for his spontaneity.

With a smirk he licked along Dean's lower lip, just light enough to feel and make him shiver. He held Dean there, watched him chase after him, unable to move far enough forward to reach Cas. With a pout he settled back against the wall, scowling at the smirk Cas still had.

"Fucking tease. Didn't know virginal angels even knew how to play mean," he whispered, trying to get a rise out of Cas.

"You forget Dean that I put your soul and body back together, I've seen your memories and I know every inch of you. I may be new at this, but I'm by no means  _new_  at  _you_." He punctuated the end of his point with a hard kiss, crashing into Dean like a force of nature.

Dean could do nothing but relent to the assault of lips, tongue, and teeth. If he had to guess he'd say that Castiel was taking out all of his pent up emotions and wants all at once, trying to get as much of him as possible in the moment they had. Not that Dean was complaining...it was pretty fantastic that Cas had this intense  _needasmuchasicanget_  side to him.

It felt like it had been hours that Cas held him there, taking what he wanted but also giving, he knew Dean wanted and enjoyed it just as much as he did. But the sound of a footstep around the corner broke them apart as fast as if a gun had gone off. Cas immediately flew off, disappearing in a second.

This left Dean leaning against the wall, shirt ruffled from Cas's hands, lips red from bites, and a half crazed look in his eye. Bobby came round the corner, took one look at him, then scowled deeply as he pushed past.

"Uh, hey Bobby...sorry I just felt...for a second" Dean searched for an explanation as to why he was straightening his clothes.

"Boy, I really do not want to know. I may be dumb but I'm not that dumb. And that don't mean I want to hear your sorry excuse for a lie about it."

"Right you are sir. I'll just...uh...SAM!" Dean tried to hide his embarassment by yelling for his brother. Might as well act busy.

His attempt was poor at best, the tell-tale red flush of humiliation reaching down to his neck. Bobby gave a huff, annoyed but also a little amused that he could still embarass the man like he was still a teenager.

' _Sigh..._ Boys."

* * *

The day was long and sweet, the night warm and sleep went by in the blink of an eye. All of this extra emotion was tiring Cas, making it easier for him to sleep all night, but the fatigue felt good. It felt right.

Ever the king of avoidance, Dean managed to put off talking to Cas about what was happening between them. He didn't want to ruin the peace and happiness they had by trying to form his thoughts into words. He wasn't eloquent, not even close, and usually his attempts at fixing things with talk backfired fantastically. So he made excuses, he gave kiss after kiss, and he put every bit of his feelings into his actions.

Biggest of all was his acceptance of Cas not wanting to move things further. Cas could put up with delaying their 'define the relationship' talk, he knew Dean's feelings inside and out, but he would not budge on the other subject. Not that he was prude, in fact he fully enjoyed his own fantasies during alone times. It was just that he had seen so many people fall into a pattern of relying on physical intimacy to be the foundation of a relationship instead of letting trust and love be the rock they built from.

Dean was his life, the man he had rebelled and disobeyed for, even killed for. This wasn't something he wanted to play around with, and no matter how much his body and soul screamed with need he would not give in. And Dean accepted it, understanding without asking and letting Cas take the lead in what happened with their physical relationship.

And so the weeks went on, the angel and man sharing touch after touch. Hunts became easier with them both rested and calm, they were in tune with each other. Sam enjoyed their hunts more, letting himself explore towns and hole up in libraries, glad to give Dean and Cas some time to be alone for an hour or two.

Cas even forced Dean to let him take a picture of them both one morning, arm stretched out to try and get them into the shot.

It was his favorite yet. The way the light played up the angles on Dean's face, his green eyes alert and full of life. The look of love and peace on his face was one that Castiel had been waiting his entire existance to see. And his own image surprised him, blue eyes glinting bright against the contrast of his black hair. Well...not  _his_  hair, but now that he had let Jimmy's soul go, the body was well enough his. It was a perfect picture, he felt it conveyed all that they felt with all of the words that they hadn't said.

He had it printed with one of his batches and kept it in his coat, out of the box where photos usually went. He wanted it close to his heart and with him always no matter where he went. A reminder of the man he loved.

And one October morning, it was all he had of the man he lost.


	5. Search the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anddd cue drama and sad. After last chapters fluff, things are about to be rather upsetting for our boys :( Who else enjoyed the 'necking it like teenagers in the hall' then Cas disappearing off? That image always makes me laugh.
> 
> I'm still laying around post-surgery, so feel free to send messages on tumblr, I'm at my leisure to discuss!! [tumblr link here](http://soy-nowater-chai.tumblr.com)

_Gone. Gone gone gone gone gone._

It was all that Castiel could think. Just one word on repeat as he searched.

It had been one month so far. One month and he was already nearly delirious with worry, barely able to keep it together as he looked. The warding runes he had burned into Dean's ribs prevented him from immediately locating him. Maybe he should have included an exception for himself along Dean's femur. But all had 20/20 vision in hindsight, and there was no going back to make additions now.

It had taken no time at all for Castiel to fall back into the mindless work-horse setting all angels had. He searched town after town, starting with the ones Sam had said were Dean's favorite. Once those were exhausted he began systematically going state to state. He checked in with Bobby and Sam about once a day, making sure they hadn't found something he'd missed.

It was beginning to look more and more like Dean was truly gone. No note had been left, nothing of his had been taken. Even the Impala had been sitting in exactly the same spot, arsenal untouched.

All of that screamed one thing, that Dean hadn't left of his own will. He would never have left his Baby behind, and certainly would have taken a gun or at least a change of clothes with him.

 _God what I missed. Please, I know you're listening, please just help us find him. I have never asked selfishly for anything Lord, just this once, please help me,_  Castiel prayed, turning away from the small Kentucky hill town and moving on to West Virginia, searching tirelessly.

* * *

Sam and Bobby were at their wits end. They had searched through every single book that would explain the sudden disappearance, had interrogated and made calls, and now were left with no ideas.

As worried as Sam was for Dean, he was almost more worried for Cas.

The angel was falling apart.

The morning Dean was gone he had immediately set off to search the list of places Sam suggested, and hadn't stopped searching except to check in with the human's progress. He was twitching with nervous energy, something Sam had no idea he could do, and snapped at them every time he visited.

Cas had just left after their nightly regroup, having this time accused them of not looking hard enough. Bobby gave a huge sigh, going to the kitchen to get them some whiskey to make the research go a little faster. Sam was scrolling through the emails he was getting in response to his alert to all hunters. No news from anyone, on any front.

"Look Sam, I don't want to be the one to decide this, but we may have to just accept that he's gone and isn't coming back. He's a stubborn son of a bitch, I'm sure he'll turn up eventually," Bobby half-heartedly reasoned, bringing over their drinks and slumping into the chair at his desk.

"I don't want to quick looking, but I'm starting to agree. Maybe we need to just stop spending every minute looking. I mean,we've gotten no where," Sam said, leaning back into his chair and regarding his drink.

"Eh well try getting that idea through Prince Holier-than-thou's skull," Bobby muttered, draining his glass.

"Go easy on him Bobby. You know he's gotta blame himself, Dean vanished on his watch. I mean, he was in bed with him for Christ's sake and had no idea until he woke up. It's gotta do something to him, knowing how powerless he was to stop whatever happened."

"Doesn't mean he has to punish us for it. What else can we get into before he comes back tomorrow? Need to tell him we did something today. Not up for another speech about how useless we are," Bobby pulled out the notebook they'd been using as a list, scratching off ideas as they tried them.

They worked through most of the night, searching online databases, calling hospitals in areas Dean liked to frequent. Eventually they dozed for several hours, only waking up when Rufus called to tell them that he'd found nothing from his hunter friends in Canada.

Sam was scrambling for ideas at this point, and had just gotten off the phone with another of Dean's ex-girlfriends when Bobby grudgingly put forth the worst idea yet.

"We should summon Crowley, he's gotta have ways to find people," he rubbed his temple, knowing the reaction Sam would have.

"Actually I was about to say the same thing."

Bobby looked up, surprised and apprehensive. "You nearly bit my head off when I suggested this a few weeks ago."

"I know, but, we're out of options. I don't like it anymore than you do, but he's got to be the best at finding people. I mean, he's got tricks up his sleeve we probably had no idea about."

"What do you think it'll cost us though...", Bobby mused. Crowley never agreed to anything without proper leverage. They'd need something good to sway his mood.

Sam went to raid the nearby storage unit they had moved some of John's old stuff to. He had cursed objects galore, and at least a hundred different powders, knives, and apparatus. One of them was bound to appeal to Crowley. He made a list of promising items and met Bobby back at the house. The summoning spell was just getting finished when he arrived.

"Alright, got a few things he might like; lucky horseshoe from Secretariat, knife that can cut through flesh without leaving a mark but curses and mortal to use it, feeding spike of a wraith, and the metacarpals from a Salem witch trial victim. There's more but that seemed the most promising."

"I don't even want to know how John got all that. Your daddy was one crazy fucker," Bobby shook his head, adding in a few more ingredients, "Should we call the angel in for this?"

"No, not if we can help it. He hated the idea of asking Crowley more than I did. If we need him he'll be here as fast as we can pray anyways," Sam pushed his hair out of his eyes, getting nervous at what they were about to do.

"Well alright then. Let's call the king," Bobby lit a match, throwing it in the bowl.

Not a second later Crowley was standing before them, calm and collected as always. He glanced up at the devil's trap on the ceiling, smirking a little and tilting his head.

"Gentlemen! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

* * *

Castiel was in a small town outside of Little Rock when he got the call. He had been mentally sifting through the surrounding consciousnesses, looking for the shining bright of Dean's soul. He knew they were nearing the end of their possibilities to find Dean, but he hated to admit it to himself. He just couldn't give up on the man. He hadn't given up on him when he sat by his trembling wreck of a body after dragging him from Hell. He had held his hand and prayed while knitting together skin to cover him, he had breathed his own breath into his scorched lungs. There was no rock he would not leave unturned to find Dean. Ever.

_Castiel, we need you to come back for a bit. We think we've found a way to find Dean but we're gonna need your.._

"...help. That was fast." said Sam. Castiel had come at once when he heard the prayer, and took only a second to look around the room before seeing Crowley standing there looking smug. Cas squinted his eyes and almost bristled up seeing the demon.

"What is he doing here? We have no need of his help, we can find Dean without turning to abominations like him!" Cas growled.

"Look Cas," he turned pleadingly to the angel who was glowering at him, "he knows how to find Dean, we just need to give him what he wants first."

"And what exactly is it that he wants? I'm assuming it's something to do with why you call me here and not out of the goodness of his heart" Sam flinched at that, giving a small grimace.  _Damn the angel was too smart for his own good._

"Oh nothing too much really, stop getting your feathers all ruffled up," Crowley said, voice silky smooth as fine whiskey. One of the ways he managed to get the gig, took more than brains to rise to the top of the ranks.

"What are your means and price, demon?" Cas asked. He hated to even consider using a demon to find Dean, he hadn't dragged him from their clutches for nothing.

"Just want a little bit of insurance, for next time we meet. Because, you know that we will. Winchesters keep putting their noses into business that isn't theirs and whatnot. All I want is a 'get out of jail free' card if you will. Promise that the next time you all find me at the center of something you aren't too keen on, you let it go," he paused for effect, letting them consider his offer, "as for my means, well, let's just say that my hounds never forget a scent."

"No, not your hounds. What other ways can you find him."

"Oh, sorry little birdy, but that's all I've got for you. I don't have any too special to find humans that have been warded from me," he snapped. He knew he had Sam and Bobby on board, just needed them to sell it to the angel for him.

"Cas, we've been trying for a month now, we need to get to him.."

" _No_  Sam. You of all people should understand. You saw what those mongrels did to him when they dragged him down. He  _still_  has nightmares about them. I will not agree to let them terrorize him further just so that we can find him. There has to be another way!" Cas was beginning to lose his temper. The lights in the room were flickering, and an empty beer bottle on the side table shattered with the force of his emotions.

"What made you think I would send them to take him? I said they could find him, not that they were going to actually go to him. And what difference does it make, there can be nothing good that's kept him for that long, either take my offer or keep searching on your own for another hundred years!" he yelled, scowling at the stubborn angel.

"Sam, please don't force this to happen. Why did you bring him here without consulting me first?" he pleaded with the rational of the two humans.

"It's because we have no other choice!"

Cas quieted at that. He knew deep down that they all spoke the truth, there was no other choice and there was nothing good that could have kept Dean this long. He just hated to send one of Dean's nightmares after him. But if they weren't going to actually take him...

"Fine. I will give Crowley one free pass if he can locate Dean. I will be the one to go and get him however, and the free pass will not count if it's something apocalyptic big," he conceded.

"O no worries there lad, I didn't want the first apocalypse. Now, you should get comfortable, my hounds can't search everywhere in a minute. And let me out of this trap if you'd be so kind, I won't run, it wouldn't do to go back on a deal," Crowley straightened his jacket as Sam reached up and scraped off a line of paint, "fancy a drink while we wait boys?"

* * *

They had been sitting in awkward silence for two hours, trying not to fight with each other. Mostly Bobby and Sam had played poker with Crowley, using peanuts instead of money or souls, much to Crowley's annoyance. Castiel just sat on the couch, legs pulled up under himself, going through his pictures and trying to remain calm. He kept pulling out the one of him and Dean, touching it reverently.

Sam noted his mood, and came over, hoping to get him to share some of the burden that was clearly weighing him down.

"Is that one of your new ones?"

"Yes, it's...my favorite one of Dean. I took it just before he...left," Castiel whispered. He didn't mind sharing this with Sam, but he preferred to keep his emotions from Bobby and certainly away from Crowley. He handed the picture over, not meeting Sam's eye.

Sam studied it for a minute, then gave a 'hah' with a half-smile, "I've never seen him look like that. He's just always been more uptight. You know, I'm not sure what's going on between you two...exactly...but I'm just glad to see him looking like that. I know he cares a lot about you."

"Yes well, I'm not sure what we are either. Your brother is very good at putting off talking about his feelings."

Sam laughed at that, "Understatement of the year on that one!"

"But, it means a lot to know that you're ok with this - whatever it is," Cas took the picture back, face relaxing while he thought of the morning that he took it. Dean had been especially compliant then, had let Cas kiss him til his hearts content, running hands through short hair and listening to his heart speed up, "I just, want him back."

Sam nodded, he wanted his brother back too. He left the angel on the couch, going to play another round that he would of course lose to the more experiences players.

Finally they heard the sound of the hounds bounding back to their master, gravel crunching as they ran up to the house and scratched into the kitchen.

"O hello babies, come tell your daddy what you found," Crowley crooned, reaching out to the hounds only he and Castiel could see.

Crowley's smile fell, replaced with a confused mildly horrified expression.

"Well where is he? Where has Dean been taken?" Cas crossed the room, impatience getting the best of him.

"Um, well boys, I'm not sure how to break the news, but my personal opinion is that this will not be easy for you to swallow. The angel especially"

Sam huffed, "Just get on with it Crowley. Where is my brother?"

"Heaven. My puppies didn't go in and find the exact building but he's somewhere in there," Crowley shuffled, obviously wanting to leave.

"You mean he's...dead?" Sam's face had fallen, shock threatening to set in.

"No, his pretty hide is perfectly in one piece. He's just, in Heaven."

Sam and Bobby shared a look, unsure if they should be relieved or worried. Before they could even begin asking the questions starting to pop up for them the room became dark. Shadows gathered in the corners and the house began to vibrate slightly. They looked over to Castiel, a thunderous look on his face. The air around him seemed to be shifting violently, the edges of his coat whipping in wind that was not truly there.

" _What_." Cas murmured, he hadn't moved, was eerily still.

"Look, I just report the news, I didn't make it bad on purpose. That's where he's been swept off to. Hope it's not another angel trying to get their wings wrapped around him," he smirked over at Cas, but getting no response other than a deeper scowl he dropped the attempt at humor, "I think I'll be off now then if that's all? Good. Always a pleasure boys."

And with that he left, taking his hounds with him, off to cause havoc in theydidn'tcarewhere.

"Cas, try to calm down. We don't need the house falling apart," Sam approached the angel, arms reaching out to smooth down his arms, trying to ground him and make him see reason.

The angel took a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting his wrath flow through him uncontrolled. Sam scrambled back, afraid of what his emotions could do to them, he'd never seen Cas this upset. Sam and Bobby stepped back behind the desk, giving Cas all the room they could without leaving him to fend for himself.

Castiel couldn't stop himself, he just couldn't. stop. feeling. He had been worried out of his mind before, but now the knowledge that Dean had been whisked away by none other than his own brethren...it was crippling. He could tangibly feel the anger within himself, licking fires through his limbs and settling in his chest til he felt near to bursting. He wanted to both collapse in a heap crying and claw his way up through Heaven full of feral outrage. Cas thought back on the atmosphere of Heaven when he had left it so many months ago, what the angels could possibly have been planning that would require Dean. They had wanted him previously as the vessel for Michael, but with the apocalypse averted there would be no more need for him. Could they have decided to go forth with chaining him to the archangel?

_What if Crowley wasn't joking, and someone else decided to take him for themselves. I've not exactly been subtle about my feelings.._

And that thought was what broke him down. The thought that another angel could be touching his man, tainting him with their smell... _"I WILL NOT HAVE IT."_

Lights flickered all over the house, and the shadow of massive wings fell on the back wall in the shifting light. The tempest within Castiel had some to a head, and he was past reason, past caring, single-mindedly focused on his anger and jealousy.

"Cas! You  _need_  to calm down! We'll get him back, we know where he is now!  _CAS_!" Sam yelled, trying to get Cas reigned back in. He slowly crossed the room, Bobby watching wide-eyed and fearful, and approached the raging angel with hands out stretched. The air seemed to be full of static as he got closer, fingertips physically feeling the vexation of the being in front of him. Cas was staring into space beyond Sam, eyes seeing the horrors in his mind of what the angels were keeping Dean for.

Sam's hand connected with Cas's shoulder, grabbing on to him and pulling his focus from the center of the whirlwind of anger he had created, "Cas, man you have to get control. We can't help Dean if you go destroying the house or hurting one of us," he pleaded as blue eyes full of righteous fury met his and began to cool, "let's just take some deep breaths together, ok? Here, put your hand on my stomach, breathe in and out when I do, ok Cas?"

Sam put Castiel's hand on his stomach and began coaching the angel through deep breathing. It was silly, he knew, telling an angel of the freakin' Lord to 'just breathe deep', but having grown up the way he did it was an easy way to get people to calm down from anger. He'd forced Dean to do it a few times, and figured he had nothing to lose here. Cas kept watching him, and filled his lungs deep as he felt Sam push his stomach out, then emptied himself as he felt Sam's stomach cave in with an exhale. The first few did nothing, but he quickly began feeling the effects, tension leaving his arms and shoulders as he got more and more oxygen in, his vessel releasing the tension and sending signals to his mind to settle. His thoughts calmed, and he came down from the anger of a moment before. By the time he broke their eye contact, feeling relaxed, the effects of his angelic power had worn off the room, wings retreating back into himself.

"You ok boy?" Bobby asked to neither of them in particular and came forward cautiously, unsure of the angel now that he'd seen his display of power.

"Yes Robert, I think I am fine now," Cas pulled his hand from Sam's stomach, clapping it onto his shoulder, "Thank you Sam, I needed that."

"No problem, happy to help," Sam visibly relaxed, potential crisis averted.

"Not to start anything up again, but we need to talk about this. Do you know anything about what  _He_ _aven_  would want with Dean?" Bobby went over to the kitchen, getting beers for the three of them.

"I can think of nothing that they would want from him. He's...nothing special to them beyond being Michael's vessel," Cas furrowed his brow and went to sit on the couch, head hung low as he thought.

"Ok well, should we maybe summon some angels here? Maybe someone who would be in the know with this? You haven't been in the loop lately Cas, no offense," Sam went to get his drink from Bobby, leaning into the door frame.

"I don't think that would be advisable. I can't think of anyone who would be helpful to our cause if we dragged them here, at least no one who would talk willingly. It would be quicker if I went myself and sought him out."

"Well then I'm going with you Cas, you won't do this alone," Sam reasoned.

"No Sam, you can't go. I don't know what we will face, but I will not be able to shield you from harm," Cas shook his head, wishing he could bring his friend.

"I thought you guys had been to Heaven before, why can't he go now? Dean might be your...whatever you two are, but it's Sam's brother. He has a right to help," Bobby growled as Sam nodded his approval, giving Cas his best pleading puppy dog face.

"I appreciate your desire to help here Sam, really I do, but this won't be like the last time you were in Heaven. I doubt he is being held in an area that you can reach, even for me it may be difficult," Castiel assured.

"But isn't there anything that I can do? Anything Bobby and I could do?" Sam pleaded.

"Just prepare for when I bring him home. I don't know what condition he will be in, but...just prepare for what we can. I will bring him back as soon as I can," Cas reassured.

"Wait! You're leaving now? You can't just go charging into this!" Sam was desperate to get his brother back, but not desperate enough to let their only hope at saving him charge in blindly.

"There's nothing to prepare for Sam!" Cas shouted, a little of his earlier anger returning, "Dean has been gone for a month and been captive in Heaven the entire time. There is nothing more about the situation I can learn from staying here and I will not let him be in potential danger any longer than necessary. The most we can hope is that I can sneak in and get him or find someone sympathetic who will help."

Sam shuffled, running his hand through his hair and searching the room with his eyes. His anxiety was mounting as he thought about the implications, "Cas I just...don't make us lose you both, ok? If you can't save him, then come back here."

Cas relaxed again, and gave the younger Winchester a half-smile. Sometimes he almost forgot that they were brothers, with their different personalities and different physical looks, but full of worry it was easy to see the family resemblance. It was in the way that Sam put his hand on the back of his neck, and raised his eyebrows, and thinned out his mouth. It was Dean written all over him, and Cas knew that he ignored that connection they had far too often. He walked over and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder, clasping in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture, "I'll get him back Sam. And I promise to come back if it's hopeless. But I will fight hard before it gets to that point. I promise."

With a look and a nod to Bobby, Cas left. The moment he vanished Sam crumbled, the reality of what was possibly happening to his brother finally setting in. He sat on the couch for a long while and cried it out, Bobby gave him space to let his feelings out but when Sam had calmed brought him another drink and sat with him late into the night playing poker. They didn't need to talk about it, they knew Castiel would fight Heaven for Dean just as he had fought Hell for him before. And so they waited, hoping that the little angel in a trench coat was enough.


	6. Pearly Gates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some things we need to establish and get out of the way before we get to the good stuff! Plus I delved into the mind of Castiel here, and personally I feel like it's a lot to take in...so shorter chapter it is!
> 
> As always, this is all unbeta'd, let me know if there are any huge mistakes!!

The gates of Heaven.

So many humans assumed that they would be floating in clouds, rays of sunshine filtering from behind them, promising to be all you wanted and more, little cherubs flying about. But as Castiel stood in front of them, he knew that their true majesty could not be told in any language available.

The 'pearly gates' were just that, 50 stories and made entirely from pearl. Which was fitting, as they rose from a vast sea that stretched as far as you could see in all directions, no fence was to either side of them. The gates were a portal, Heaven was not built on the sea, but God had always had a soft spot for water so he built the grandest entrance he could imagine for his kingdom. The pearl of the gates shone iridescent in the light, no sun shone here but the ambient light gave one the feeling of morning. All was calm, the water licked quietly at his ankles as he stood a few inches deep in it, and Castiel took a moment to soak up the spectacle, wishing that he could have Dean here to touch and kiss in the morning light.

The thought of Dean pained him, bringing back up the emotions he had allowed to sweep him away earlier. He would have to apologise to Sam and Bobby later...after he brought Dean back to them safe and sound. Emotions as strong as these were not safe in Heaven, his brothers and sisters would look down on him for allowing them to control him like they control humans. He shoved them back down, building up a brick wall against them. In order to save Dean he needed to be efficient and unfeeling, he needed to be a soldier once again.

Taking a steeling breath he pushed forward, walking through the gates, which did not swing open but dissolved around him. The moment he broke through the brilliance hit him and he had to stand still, taking it in and adjusting to the lightness of it all. He was immediately struck with the purity, with the size, and with...how uncomfortable he was.

His time on Earth had shifted his perception of 'home'. He had never felt particularly happy here before, but now having experienced the home the Winchesters had offered to him, he felt that uncomfortableness more acutely. It was like being slowly suffocated, except that the enormity of Heaven would by no means be described as claustrophobic.

As he began to move through the space, he kept to the fringes of the 'buildings'. They weren't solid structures, they shifted in the light and were roughly 10ftx10ft. They were laid out in a meaningless sprawl, one on top of the other, but they housed enormous spaces. Each one was a soul's personal Heaven, just as the boys had found themselves in before. Dean was not dead, he wouldn't allow himself to question what Crowley had said, and so he quickly turned and headed towards the center. That was where the more 'administrative' sections were. These slices of Heaven were not what he was after.

As he moved between structures he began to notice that the signs of neglect that had been there since he left had begun to increase. Usually the angels kept Heaven spotless, every bit of it shined with the same pearlescent hue of the gates. Even the hazy semi-there walls of each person's Heaven had a brilliant sheen. But now, in the corners, he could see bits of dark. Not dirt or debris, but darkness.

It spoke of the corruption that was happening among his brethren. Even here in the areas of Heaven that were rarely touched by the angels, their discontent was manifesting. He could feel the confusion from the souls that surrounded him as he wound his way further in, their blissful infinite existence disrupted by the fighting and discord.

 _I need to reach someone who can help. Maybe Sariel or Lyndal are still compassionate enough to point me in the right direction,_ he thought, pushing his way deeper into the maze of Heaven.

He was approaching the center now, he began seeing angels off in the distance, some in physical vessels and some as their true forms, shifting appearances every few seconds with a see-through quality to them. The division between forms had caused much unrest before, angels only gained permission to take a vessel once they had completed training and been accepted as a part of the heavenly host. Those without were viewed as immature, and kept to themselves, performing their missions and duties. He himself had only just gained his vessel, and had struggled with being seen as an infant even though he had been sentient for thousands of years.

He slowed, not wanting to draw much attention to himself, and kept to the edges. He was deep in thought, going over the various angels he had known over the millenium and wondering who would help him and where they were when he caught sight of Balthazar.

Relief trickling through him he hastened towards him, hope restored that he could find Dean sooner than he had hoped. He didn't much like working with Balthazar, he was flashy and flippantly shrugged off his responsibilities, but at the moment he was all Castiel had. He had worked with him before to keep the Winchesters safe, knew he could rely on him to tell all he knew.

The moment Balthazar caught sight of him he froke, surprise plastered all over his face, but it was quickly overtaken by a different emotion that Castiel couldn't quite place, and then he was pulled into an awkward embrace.

"O Cassie, you shouldn't have come here. You shouldn't have come," Balthazar whispered in his ear, pulling back to look him in the eye. It was despair, that was the emotion Castiel was looking for, and it was written all over his face. It was odd to see that emotion on Balthazar. He had always had such an air of aloofness, not connecting himself to the others of Heaven.

"I'm looking for Dean, where has he been taken, who has him? Please Balthazar, I know we've had our differences but-"

"I can't. This is something over my position, I'm afraid. I promise, I will help when I can, but it may be some time...they have me on a rather tight leash," he pulled up the sleeve of the shirt he had on and showed the sigil burned into his wrist. An obedience mark, like the one they had tried to place on Castiel when he'd rebelled.

 _O God what have they done_ , the only thought Castiel could put together as he saw guards coming towards them. He knew without asking that Balthazar had given them a silent warning that he was here, had alerted whoever was in charge. But it was not his fault, it was not his own doing. The mark bid him to obey, forced his hand while allowing his mind to remain free, torturing him with his ineffectiveness.

And with a look of despair of his own Cas fell to his knees and allowed them to place the restraints on him, then all turned to blackness as the hood went over his head.

* * *

He was carried for a time, dragged for a shorter while by his wrists, and then carried again for even longer. He had long lost track of where they were taking him. Even a multi-millennia old being couldn't map out every space of Heaven, and the twists and turns had him hopelessly lost.

After what felt like three hours he was unceremoniously dumped on the floor, the hood removed. But the restraints stayed. They chained in his Grace, keeping him locked in the physical form he had. Easier to control rogue angel's with this, they'd learned the hard way when Lucifer and his followers had rebelled.

The room they'd placed him in was...nice. At least for what he had been expecting, and for a prison. He had a bed, couch, a few books on a table, and room to move about. The door however, was laced with wards to keep him in, and as he inspected, so did the walls. His guards had retreated, and he didn't recognize any of them, nor did he fool himself into asking them what was happening, they would not help him.

As a celestial being patience was the one thing he had in abundance. It must have been at least 16 hrs that he had been waiting in his room. He paced for a bit, and then curled up on the couch for the remainder of the time, twisting the cuffs on his wrists that forced a semblance of humanity on him. They didn't have chains, just metal on each wrist, without his Grace he couldn't do much or get far.

 _What is Dean doing right now? I wonder if he's afraid, or in pain? Or just lonely_ , Cas thought. He entertained himself by playing back memories he had of Dean. Of mornings spent giggling and exploring each other. Who would have thought that Dean was ticklish? It was infectious the way he laughed under Cas's fingers, and he had kept at it until the man had gasped out a plea, barely able to stop convulsing in laughter. He thought of the night they'd been in Montana, sitting on the back of the Impala, not even touching each other, but talked about life and memories. Dean had given Castiel his life story that night, even though the angel already knew it. He shared it with his own words, his own added thoughts, and body gestures. Cas might have read through every bit of the man's soul when he remade him, but he could never have seen him as he was that night. They had laughed, and been solemn, and then gone right back to laughter.

His thoughts ended up winding into two convictions and thoughts. The first was that he was wholly in love with Dean. Every inch of him was memorized in Castiel's mind, and he knew every flaw, but none of that mattered because the soul he had...it was intoxicating how drunk on happiness he could get exploring it. Each time they looked at each other, green and blue colliding in gazes that conveyed all the feelings they couldn't put into words, it emptied Castiel of everything he had known and filled him instead with bright warmth that overflowed until he felt like crying. The emotion Dean got out of him was staggering.

This led him to his second conviction, and that was that the next time he had Dean alone when the man was healthy he was going to  _jump his bones._

As much as he felt a certain bit of pride that he and Dean had kept things clean between them, having never removed their boxers and only once rutted against each other when Cas nearly let his self-control get the best of him, it was getting infuriating. Hands had stayed above the waist, never straying from where they had decided. He felt safe with Dean, and felt so much gratitude that he had accepted this boundary without complaining too much. Although occasionally he had complained that he felt like he was with a 14 year old girl, but Castiel felt it was a sacrifice worth making. It was a miracle in itself that they had made it this long, given Dean's track record of zero to  _fuckingtheirbrainsout_  within about 15 minutes of meeting girls. They hadn't truly argued yet, of course they disagreed at times, but there had been no cruel words thrown carelessly and no using their bodies to placate each other. There was just love and trust and respect. Castiel had thought it was because they weren't relying only on a physical relationship, but he was beginning to suspect that it would be that way regardless of how much they used each other and gave everything of themselves up.

But if they got out of this with both of them alive Castiel was ready to  _screw_  respect and show Dean just what he had gotten himself into. Cas had no experience of his own on the subject, but if his imagination was anything to go by he would more than take care of Dean's needs and give him a run for his money when it came to a sex drive.

All of this thinking was probably not a good idea to be doing while in Heaven, certainly not good to help make him pass the time faster. He quickly shifted his thoughts to more pure subjects, trying to get the heat in his cheeks to lower as well as lower the painful evidence of his arousal between his legs.

He grabbed one of the books from the table and settled back down on the couch, hoping to turn his mind from the carnal ways he would, hopefully, soon know Dean's body.

* * *

At about the 20 hour mark the guards opened his room back up. He didn't rise for them, just lazily rolled his head so that he could look out of the corner of his eye at them. He was the picture of  _don't care_ , one eyebrow arched in annoyance that they had disrupted his reading, legs thrown onto the cushions as he leaned back on the arm of the couch. His guards shifted to let someone through, and the figure entering the room stunned him for almost a full second before he scrambled up, trying to give himself an air of confidence in the face of the other angel.

"Zachariah." he coldly greeted him, hoping his disdain dripped through into the word.

"Hello Castiel," he cheerfully replied. His fake smile had always rubbed Castiel the wrong way, "it's so nice of you to join us! We were actually about to go bring you here, so you saved us the trouble. Could have waited a day though, sorry to have kept you waiting in here!"

"Zachariah, where is Dean Winchester? I deserve to know where my charge is at all times," Cas growled, he wanted so desperately to rip the smile from his superiors face, but knew any insubordination would get him no where.

"Oh Castiel, he's been helping us! We have a project we've been working on to take back what is rightfully Heaven's, and we needed someone to soldier for us. He's been a fantastic help, I'm sure you'd be impressed with his obedience!"

"Why was I not consulted about this? I assume you gave him little choice in the matter, as he was taken away so quickly and quietly. What is it that you are trying to accomplish with this?" Cas questioned, every instinct in him screaming that this was wrong.

"Well, maybe if you had bothered to come and visit us we would have included you in our plans. Though, it wouldn't have mattered anyways, your opinion was not high on our list of-"

" _Where_  is he?" Castiel was beginning to lose his temper, however without use of his Grace his anger carried no thunder, and Zachariah just watched him with the same stupid smile plastered on his face.

"If you're a good little boy I'll let you see him, how about that? We should be ready to show you by...hmm, tomorrow? I'll check with people, see what I can do, and such. Just sit tight Castiel, you've already been such a help, I'm sure we can find some good work for you to do while you're here," he sneered. And with that he swept from the room, the guards closing the door back up.

On the heels of them was Castiel, rushing for the closing door and slamming himself against it when they pulled it shut before he could make it out. Without his Grace he knew it was useless to fight but after months of letting his emotions bleed out into everything he did it was hard to hold them in. Building up walls was much harder than tearing them down, and so he bashed his fists into the door, letting all of Dean's creative insults fly out of his mouth.

For several minutes he stood there, letting out his frustration and anger on the door. Without Grace his body let through feeling whether he wanted or not, and the pain in his knuckles became too much for him to continue throwing punches. He faced the door, willing it with all he had to just fall down and let him go to Dean, but it did not budge. The tide that Sam had held at bay earlier in Bobby's came rushing out and crashed through his body, with a final kick he screamed it all out and fell to his knees. He remained there for a time, sobbing quietly, the tears from his eyes cooling the fire of hatred that had built up inside of him until he was left with loneliness and worry.

After he cried it all out, he got up and went back to the couch. He didn't sleep, but curled up into it and tried his best to think of happier times while doing deep breathing like Sam had showed him. Once he was feeling calmer he took out the picture of himself and Dean, the smiles frozen in time bringing another round of tears to his eyes. He pulled it in to his heart, and stayed there, sending prayer after prayer for strength and Dean's deliverance.

Finding no solace in prayer his mind turned to poetry, sifting through line after line of prose in his mind. He had memorized dozens, angelic mind allowing him to store them perfectly, no word out of place. His interest fell on one of his favorites by Robert Frost, about taking a road less travelled. He smiled wryly to himself, realizing that by picking the road that had led to Dean he had set himself up for this...but couldn't find it in him to care. Dean's love was worth all of the trouble in the world.

It felt like they had left him for days as Cas laid on the couch curled around his picture and his feelings. His mind had begun drifting, winding between memories and fiction that played out in his head. He dozed lightly at one point, his tantrum having taken a lot of energy out of him. When he finally heard the door to his room opening he got back up, his barely aching joints told him it must have been less than 6 hours. Cas stashed his picture away and then stood watching, too tired to throw much hostility into his expression.

The lead guard looked him over, not bothering to hide the disdain in his voice, "You've been summoned to observe training. Please come with us, and don't fight us, you know it wouldn't be worth your effort."

 _No, it certainly wouldn't_ , Cas thought as he rubbed at the bands keeping his Grace in check. Even if he could get away from these angels or use a banishing sigil, there would be no way to get himself out of Heaven without the use of his Grace, and it wouldn't take long for them to find him anyhow. Of course, more than that, he wouldn't abandon Dean when he was so close.

Cas sighed and came forward, immediately swallowed by guards at all sides, making sure the 'rebel' angel was kept secure. They started down the hallway, passing doorways and off-shoot halls. Another two angels were coming their way, Cas quickly recognized Balthazar as one of them, and they slowed for them to pass. But Balthazar just pushed his way through the group, they made way for him.

"I hope they're keeping you comfortable Castiel, wouldn't want your feathers in even more of a ruffle," he said, boisterously loud. The other angels smirked, clearly Castiel was not a favorite.

Cas felt his heart crumble more, he had not expected this from the other angel. They weren't friends...but still, this hurt.

Just as Balthazar turned to leave he pressed a finger tip to the edge of Castiel's wrist, conveying a message through the touch into Castiel as loud and clear as if he were speaking it,  _'I am so sorry Castiel, you know it wasn't my choice what's happened. Try not to hate us all too much...we were given no choice. Be prepared, I will try to find a way out. You're not the only one capable of rebellion_.'

The message was over within a second, none of the guards had noticed the swift touch, and Balthazar continued forward down the hall.

Castiel was only moderately comforted by Balthazar's words. He of course held no grudge against him for this, he was unable to disobey and it must have taken a lot of will power to get the message through, but the words did little to ease his mind. If Balthatzar was this deeply troubled by what was happening here, then it couldn't be anything good. Refusing to let himself go down that trail of thought Castiel shook his head, and instead watched the feet of the angels in front of him as they continued.


	7. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Heaven!! This chapter is where our story really starts taking off, hope you all enjoy it!!! 
> 
> One of the scenes in it is the reason why I made this story...I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out

The guards shuffled Cas along, jostling him between them in their hurry. As they had gone further and further they had began glancing around nervously. Their anxiety felt oppressive around him in the narrow hall. Lit by startlingly bright lights every 10 ft or so, the sterile white walls reminded him of an operating room or the empty spaces of heaven. This part of the complex winded past dozens of unmarked doors, many with heavy locks and 'Do not enter' signs. After passing several dozen of these doorways the group came to a halt in front of a pocket door marked 'Danger; Enter at own risk.' The lead guard pushed a small button on the wall, then stepped back to reform into the group.

Cas shifted uncomfortably as they waited in silence _. What kind of training is this to require this kind of security? What are they planning to make him do?_

The sudden grating of the pocket door demanded his attention. It was thick, at least 6 inches of solid metal, and set into the reinforced concrete walls as it was it would take a huge force to break down. He shuddered,  _What could be so powerful that they need this to keep it out.._

His eyes then discerned the Enochian barrier sigils emblazoned into the wall surrounding the door.

_Or keep in._

He was unceremoniously pushed forward as the guards crossed the threshold into a short hallway. He heard the metal door slam shut behind them, followed by the sound of a massive lock being set into place. At the end of the hall they turned to their right and stepped into a large square room filled with more operating room light.

This room held several large tables, medical equipment, and attendants working on all. The box shaped room had a glass wall along one side, looking into an identically sized, but empty, room. This other room had painted white walls, while the concrete floor had been left as is. A small door was set into the side flush with the walls and without a handle.

The observation room he was in had several angels busy at the tables facing the window. They were looking through tattered books, pieces of parchment, and scrolls. None looked up to take note of the new comers, absorbed in their work as they were. Along the back wall were three medical stations.

Each station was centered around a long concrete slab several inches thick and just below chest height from the ground. Wide leather straps hung undone on the sides of the tables, more barrier sigils embossed into them. Various machines, tubes, and IV stands surrounded each table. The attendants in white lab coats were using only one of the three. They were preparing IVs and testing the leather straps of their table, also ignoring him.

With growing alarm Cas slowly approached the window to the other room. A gleam from the center of the floor had caught his eye, and as he reached the pane of glass he realized with horror that it was a pair of silver shackles. There were several feet of chain connecting them to bolts in the concrete floor. A small metal grated drain was fixed into the floor between them and oddly a nozzle similar to those in human showers was in the ceiling above.

Cas reached a trembling hand out to rest against the cool glass, the fear he had been trying to keep control of beginning to rise.  _What level of hell is this? I need to get Dean before we're a part of-_

"5 solid inches of bulletproof glass my boy. Layered with every protection from heaven to hell. Nothing's getting through this, no matter what gets thrown at us," Zachariah growled at him, causing him to jump back a few inches, dropping his hand. Having been in the moral plane, Castiel was unused to being sneaked up on. He briefly realized that this is what he had been doing to the Winchesters for years before shoving the trivial thought from his head.

He collected himself before addressing the powerful man, "I thought.." he managed to squeak out before the man laughed in an amused way at him, cutting him off.

"Don't care much what you think boy, just need you to do your job when time comes," he hissed while using a hand to turn Cas away from the window by the shoulder, gesturing to the room behind them.

"This here will make sure nothin' goes too wrong while we put him through his paces. Haven't had any real problems so far, but can't be too careful. Those Winchesters tend to put up fights against everything."

Moving through the room he introduced Cas to the angelic team handling the research. He made no attempt to remember names, instead using the chance to inspect the myriad of texts in hopes of finding a clue. Most held lists of numbers, equations, and symbols. None of which he could understand or see how they related to Dean. However, on a side table he noticed one text with lists of demonic symbols, one of which he recognized as a 'kill switch' symbol. It was ancient, and banned from being used because it tended to kill the one who activated it.

Cas' fear grew once more as he tried not to imagine the implications of this type of research. A shiver ran through him.

Zachariah continued pushing him along, hurrying through the introductions as he kept looking up at the clock on the far back wall. Once through the research and monitoring team he directed Cas towards the group huddled around the station at the back. "Now this here's the main man behind it all. He's a smart little young one, pulled him out from one of Gabriel's garrisons when he deserted. Loves nothing more than digging through.. _obscure_  problems, don't you Hiro?"

The 'little' angel he had apparently addressed looked up at the mention of his name, and pushed a pair of glasses back into their proper place on his nose. Cas tried to put on an unaffected look as the man shuffled over in his white lap coat, peering at Cas with a furrow in his brow. The vessel he had taken was reed thin, the coat on his shoulders doing little to hide the jut of bones in his shoulders.

"It is very nice to meet you. I look forward to working with you, I've heard so much from our brothers and sisters" he introduced himself with a slight bow of his head, extending his hand out for Cas. His dark hair fell straight around his ears and covered his forehead, just dusting the top of the glasses he had once again readjusted. Despite his apparent youth there was a small dusting of grey, combined with his stern expression and straight-backed stance it gave the young vessel an aura of wisdom beyond his years. He reminded Cas of Sam, and he supposed that if the younger Winchester had been allowed to indulge himself in learning he would be just as thin as this man.

"Aw don't be so stiff Hiro, we have an exciting day ahead of us!" Zacharah cheered as he gave Hiro a friendly clap on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over with the force. However, he succeeded in knocking his glasses off their position once again, and with a small sigh Hiro pushed them back up. Cas couldn't help but notice the quick glance he gave the elder angel, full of a conflicting amount of fear and respect.

Cas shook the young angel's hand, trying to catch his eyes and glean any information on situation he could. But Hiro was not willing to give any up, instead retreating behind a wall of respect for his superior.

"We are soon to start sir, please come with me." Hiro swiftly turned, heading back to the station where preparations had apparently completed.

Cas followed, questions rising within him but too afraid of the answers to ask.

As they neared the station Hiro paused and asked over his shoulder in a low voice, "Are you familiar with the Nephalem Program?

With a sinking feeling in his stomach Cas thought of all the stories he'd heard over the eons. All the whispers and scared hopes that whatever human an angel chose to sleep with would not conceive and bring down divine wrath on all involved. Afraid of what they had to do with this facility, he whispered, "Yes, I think everyone knows what they are. An angelic abomination bore of human."

"No, no. That would be the neph _ilim_. Small change in the word but it makes all of the difference." Cas shook his head ruefully, he hadn't heard of this. "Well then, today will be very instructional for you. Please stand over there and try to stay out of the way." Hiro pointed to a space a few feet from the side of the station.

"Sir, they've arrived. Prepare for entry." A guard announced from the hall doorway

The men surrounding the station quickly positioned themselves in a neat fashion behind the station, ready to come forward and assist. The young angel in charge smoothed his lab coat and pushed his glasses back into position, then moved to stand at the foot of the table facing the doorway. The research workers hurried to finish their work and pull out paper on clipboards for recording as Zachariah barked orders at them, making sure that things were running on time.

Cas could do nothing but watch as the men prepared for the new arrivals. His nervousness causing him to tremble slightly as he stood, the cold of the room doing little to help.

A sudden metallic scraping jolted him to attention. The hall entrance had just been opened and the sound of footsteps echoed down the hall. A group of guards entered the room, forming a protective box around someone. As they filed into the room, the front guards parted and made way for the dirty and dejected man, as Cas could now see their charge. He was clad in loose fitting pants of deep blue, no shirt, and his hair was tousled, as though from a light sleep. Before Cas could even suck in a gasp his mind took in the hunched shoulders and could only form one thought.

Dean.

The proud strong man he had known stood in the middle of the guards of heaven completely miserable and barely able to move without it looking like it took all of his effort to do so. His green eyes were devoid of their flashing humor and energy, and stared at the floor.

"Dean!" Cas nearly screamed, immediately lunging forward before being stopped by the guard's strong arms. His eyes searched Dean's face, desperate for a flicker of acknowledgment.

"Now come Castiel, try and be well behaved. Dean here has learned to do as he's told, a model of obedience." Zachariah crooned, coming over to lay a hand on his subjects shoulder, clearly pleased with himself. Just below his hand Cas could see an obediance mark similar to the one Balthazar had. It was burned into the opposite shoulder from the hand print he bore from Cas's rescue.

Dean Winchester was not a force to be controlled. He was obedient to no one but his father, his desires, and occasionally his brother. Cas didn't know what to make of this, hating that Dean was forced to be this way. There must have been drugs involved, or threats, or…something  _anything_. To think otherwise would be to ignore Dean's inner nature, and no one knew of that better than Castiel. He would not have allowed that mark without a fight.

He stopped struggling against the guards, realizing that without the use of his Grace he was powerless to overcome them. His face read his anguish though, and that was all the satisfaction Zachariah needed.

"Well enough with the sweet reunion, let's get this show on the road", Zachariah announced, clasping into Dean's shoulder harder and leading the man over to the table where he climbed on willingly.

The attendants began strapping him to the table, leather straps covering his ankles, thighs, hips, chest, arms, and one across his forehead for good measure. As the last went into place over his shoulders, the clasp hitting right over the brand mark from Castiel, his eyes snapped away from Dean, shame written across his face.

Barely allowing himself to hope Castiel whispered, "Dean'. With a slow movement Dean lifted his eyes to him. They remained lifeless for a moment longer before the edges crinkled with pain. Castiel swore his heart was no longer beating.

"Cas." He croaked, voice hoarse and raspy. "I'm…I'm just sorry man. Just know that, ok?" Then he broke the eye contact, unable to look Cas in the eye.

Before Castiel could try another useless fight an attendant brought forward a box that emitted blue light from within, shining through the cracks at the seams. Setting it on the edge of the table he flipped open the lid, light spilling out onto his face and filling the room.

Hiro leaned forward, over Dean, and withdrew a long metal syringe, the contents glowing brightly with what was unmistakably angelic Grace.

"I believe it's time for the crowd to leave, this doesn't require more help, the restraints will hold" he directed at Zachariah as he inspected the Grace, tapping the syringe in a way that made Castiel's skin crawl.

With the snap of Zachariah's fingers the majority of guards vanished with a small flutter of wings, leaving only 3 as backup. Hiro gave a tired sigh, "Then we will not waste any time. Everyone, please prepare for infusion number 14. This should be one of the final rounds. Make sure to pay particular attention to the second vial, it wasn't accepting as well the last few times."

Castiel held his breath. Unable to move. Unable to tear his eyes from the point of the needle as it makes its way to Dean's neck, angled up towards his brain, and makes first contact.

The point slowly pushes past the barrier of skin; Dean barely flinches as it's inserted deep into his neck. Castiel feels the odd sensation of nausea threatening a reaction from his vessel.

"Almost at the spinal cord," Hiro breathes, eyes glued to the needle as it continues on its path, then halts, "Ah there we go. Time to light him up"

The plunger begins to descend, pushing Grace into Dean's spine, finally drawing his attention from the deep place his consciousness has been hiding.

Castiel could have withstood all of this, if it weren't for the screams that now ripped from Dean's chest. Wordless, tortured, and causing an engrained need in Castiel to react. To stop at nothing until the threat was removed. But those perfect lips could do nothing but pull back in pain.

No one else seemed to react, watching and taking notes as though this were a lecture on the biology of the circulatory system. Only the firm grip Zachariah placed on Castiels bicep kept him from finding some way in hell to rip the bracelets controlling his grace off. He watched helpless as the man he had given everything for screamed in pain beneath cold calculatingly medical stares.

At last the syringe was emptied and removed. A small angry red dot the only mark of what had just occurred. Dean let go of the tension he'd had in his muscles, breathing in short fast bursts.

With a huff Hiro placed the syringe on the table, leaned over, and removed a second syringe from the box. However this one was different. Instead of angelic light it seemed to suck into the light around it. The contents were deep red/black, swirling in an endless storm.

Unceremoniously Hiro switched to Dean's other side, lining up the syringe and plunging it in to his neck again.

Having just regained his breath from nearly screaming his soul out Dean's eyes flew open when the plunger went down, a twisted snarl followed by more screams replacing the silence.

Cas closed his eyes and prayed for it to end, slumping in resignation under Zachariah's grip. There was nothing he could do but wait until Dean's nearly silent whimpers signaled the end of the process.

"Ok then! Now for the fun, get him up and ready," Zachariah clapped, sending everyone into a frenzy of unlatching the straps on Dean and shuffling papers about.

"Was this not the test? What more can you do to him Zachariah, this has to stop..you'll kill him!"

"Now now brother calm yourself. We were just preparing him for the real test. And don't you worry, you'll have a front row seat for all the action." Castiel hated the gleam of pleasure in the older angel's eye.

Attendants roughly grabbed Dean off of the slab, dragging him towards a door at the back of the room. He winced at the treatment but seemed too weak to fight back. As the door closed he yelled back in a hoarse voice, "No matter what they do Cas, this isn't me! Cas, you just gotta know that! Keep it in mind!" Then the door slammed shut, blocking him out.

A few moments later the door in the opposite room opened and the team with Dean came in. He began fighting back, though the strength of the angels made it look more like a puppy struggling against lions. His hands were chained to the floor with the shackles, and he dropped to his knees, head hanging in defeat.

Cas all but sprinted to the glass window, throwing his hands against it, wanting to be as close as he could physically get to Dean.

"What are you going to do to him. Zachariah, this is not right whatever you are doing."

"Oh now you're just being protective because you think he's your charge or whatever. Castiel, you know we can do what we want. We needed a guinea pig… so we went and got ourselves one." Zachariah strode calmly over to the window to stand beside Cas, hands clasped behind his back as he regarded Dean. "Besides, you may find you like the…improvements we've made."

With a smile he turned, "Ok boys, let's get him started." Attendants rushed to get papers ready for recording. One grabbed a lit tablet and began pressing buttons, then handed it to Zachariah with a slight bow.

A small sigil appeared in the floor around where Dean was chained. Castiel didn't recognize it, though it vaguely resembled a summoning.

"Alrighty then," Zachariah pressed his hand to the tablet, the sigil in the other room lighting up.

Dean's face remained passive. Castiel released a breath he hadn't realized that he was holding, "What exactly did you do to him. I don't see the point in…"

Dean began to twitch. A small movement at first.

His eyes scrunched up in pain, shoulders beginning to heave with the effort of keeping everything in. He wasn't one to let it be known when he hurt, and with all of the strength he had left he fought what was slowly rising inside him. Castiel watched helplessly, slow hot tears starting to run down his face seeing the man he regarded as the strongest he knew fall apart before him.

Dean opened his eyes, searching the glass separating him from the one person from whom he wanted to hide this shame. The flash of blue eyes found him, holding his gaze, eyes wide in sympathy, fear, and love.

He felt the now familiar burn working its way through his body, searing it's way around him until all he could see was red. Desperately he tried to reach him one last time yelling through gritted teeth, "Cas remember what I said! Just look away...just...look..."

His voice lost the words, forming instead a scream he had put behind him as one only made in the depths of Hell. The sound coming through the speakers to Cas who pounded the glass, screaming right along with him. The burning in his bones concentrated, burning through what was left of the man, pooling at his back, and bursting forth in a flurry of light and down.

* * *

Wings. The most beautiful wings Castiel had ever seen, weighing Dean's shoulders down. They fell from their momentary outstretch, spread across the floor to either side of him. Softly glowing, they were as far removed from Dean's personality as he himself would have imagined, but Castiel knew just how much they reflected the man they were now a part of. Snowy white with flecks of black and grey, a few tinges of blue, reminiscent of the blue under tones of Castiel's, ran along the edges of the flight feathers.

A good 25 feet in span, they slowly shifted as Dean rolled his shoulders, head still hung low. Castiel took in a shuddering breath, trying to process what this could mean. The feeling emanating into him was unmistakably angelic, but he could not reconcile this with the human man he knew Dean to be.

With a short huff Zachariah turned to him beaming, "Well there you have it. Part one of our perfect little soldier. Gotta hand it to you Castiel, you plucked the right one out of Hell." He clapped Cas on the shoulder, smiling at the blank stare the angel was giving, and pressed the button to turn on the intercom, addressing Dean,

"Good job Dean, record time for change! Keep it up and you'll be shifting in a matter of milliseconds. Now get up so we can make sure it took, don't want you getting side effects again."

With a long sigh Dean rose to his feet, wings rising with him to stand tall, pulled in toward his back. He refused to meet Castiel's gaze, instead inspecting the corner of the room.

But he could feel that gaze. Feel it burning into his skin seeking out his attention, to know that it was ok. But it wasn't ok, never will be again, and Dean just can't admit that yet. Because then he would have to deal with it, and shoving down emotions is as natural to him as breathing.

"Are the tanks filled? Good good, then let's give our new baby boy a bath shall we," Zachariah mused to his helpers.

Furrowing his brow Castiel tore his eyes from the beautiful and terrible sight in front of him to look at Zachariah. Unsure which emotion to train on him first, he instead focused on the facts, deep voice nearly growling out, "I  _demand_  to know what you have done to him. What is the Grace doing to his body?"

"Ah, not just the Grace, but the rest of the concoction we've whipped up! We are only half finished showing you the final product. And based on how this phase is working, I believe that today is the final reveal day," Zachariah beamed, clearly enjoying the hurt and anger Castiel was letting slip.

"Now the real fun begins." He pressed another button, and within a few moments Dean's eyes shot up to the spigot in the ceiling, hearing something that was blocked from the eyes of the observers. His face fell to one of despair and horror.

Dean began pulling at his restraints, backing up as far as the chains would let him. Even when they had pulled taunt he kept scrambling back, eyes never leaving the ceiling above him. His wings flared out, trying to give an extra tug to break the chains. Cas could see where his wrists were turning red from the pressure of the metal, his muscles were bunched tight with effort trying to rip free.

He turned back to the glass, eyes searching frantically for anyone that would listen, "God please stop this, I can't do it! Don't you fucking make me you sons of bitches!  _Please!_ "

Zachariah just sighed, "Stage fright. Who would have thought Dean Winchester would be bashful?"

Whatever was happening that Dean was aware of had not let up, and he kept begging while fighting the restraints. His voice was beginning to weaken from all of the yelling, and Cas wished he could turn away, could shut out the sounds, but wouldn't let Dean suffer alone.

At that moment liquid began dripping out of the nozzle in the ceiling, making dark splotches on the floor in front of Dean. He froze and then gave a full body shudder, closing his eyes against the sight.

He knew they wouldn't allow him to stop, they would push as much as they wanted and he was powerless to do much else. If he fought too much they would just activate the obedience mark and force his body to do what they wanted. All he wanted now was for Castiel to not see this, to never see it.

"Please, at least take Cas away. He shouldn't have to see.."

The dripping had picked up into a steady stream now, and Castiel could not longer fool himself as to what it was. Blood. Pouring down in front of Dean and pooling on the ground, slowly running into the drain in the floor.

"...see...this..." Dean barely whispered the last few words. His body relaxed and he began taking deep breaths. When he opened his eyes they had grown dark where his pupils dilated beyond normal. He was staring at the blood on the floor with a fierce look of desire. Slowly he inched forward a bit, crouching down and dragging a finger through the blood. His lips parted in a shaky breath as he brought the finger up to his mouth and licked.

The second the blood touched his tongue he moaned, eyes rolling back and closing. He quickly sucked his finger into his mouth, moaning slightly as he swallowed. Not wasting any time he reached down for another finger full, greedily drinking it off his finger.

That nauseated feeling returned to Cas as he watched, completely horror stricken. This was...beyond anything he could comprehend. Aside from the burned hand print he wouldn't have recognized Dean, his actions, the wings, the crazed look in his eyes...it was foreign to him.

When Dean cupped his hands to fill with the blood still pouring down, Castiel turned away. He couldn't watch this, didn't want to have memories of Dean this way. He instead turned to Zachariah, who was watching with an amused expression.

"Now come Castiel, good angel's gave up so much so we could get enough juice for him. You should respect them and watch, it wouldn't do to seem distasteful of their last act," Zachariah's eyes were shining he was so pleased with Castiel's discomfort.

"What?" Castiel whispered. He didn't have the strength to make his voice work properly. He couldn't even get his mind to work.

"You see, there have only been a few nephilim in the past, and they're usually taken care of the moment we're aware of them. Angels can't exactly pay child support. But the nephalem, that's a breed that's never been seen before. They're the mix of angels and demons, it's assumed that the amount of power would be unparalleled. But no angel would reduce themselves so much as to  _mate_  with a demon so we put our heads together and figured we'd put both powers in a human that could take it. And lo-and-behold you spotted the perfect one for us! It's almost a miracle!"

"Oh Lord, what have they done to you..." Castiel was no longer listening, he didn't want to believe what Zachariah was saying, didn't want any of this to be real. He had seen pain and torture and things more morbid than could be imagined. He had actually  _been_  in Hell when he pulled out Dean. But this...this was something more perverted than he could imagine. The combining of those two powers at all, let alone  _in Dean_ , was nothing something he could not fathom.

But the evidence was right before him. Drinking down mouthfuls of angelic blood and  _enjoying_  it.

The downpour slowed and then stopped suddenly, but Dean didn't seem to mind. He just stood where he was and licked his hands as clean as he could, half smile on his face and eyes closed in pleasure. It was wrong, and Castiel wanted to scream, but he couldn't stop it. He could just watch and pray and send hateful thoughts towards Zachariah.

* * *

Castiel failed to notice the first feather drop.

It was a small downy under wing feather. As it floated down it began to glow darkly, a light of another world inverse to heaven. One, then two, then five more followed, softly falling before being swallowed in a blaze that came from within. It was when the first flight feather dislodged and sizzled that he allowed the change to drag his eyes from Dean's face, watching in horror as the beauty of the wings burned away, revealing deep charcoal colored skin and scales. Cas briefly pulled a comparison to bat wings in his mind, but knew that these were different. Almost reptilian.

His gaze settled back to Dean's entirety, and with a wrenching pain in the depth of his soul watched as Dean slowly began to smile wide, his eyes turning black, blood cascading down his chin and dripping onto the tan of his chest.

"And here, is our perfect soldier. Don't you just love when things work out the way you want them to?"

At that Castiel lost his control on himself, he lunged at Zachariah, trying to get his hands around his throat while screaming about the injustice and horror they had just enacted. It was futile of course, his Grace was chained and so his mortal vessel could do nothing to a fully powered angel. Zachariah just watched, letting Castiel try to kill him for a few minutes before waving for the guards.

"See, here's the thing Castiel. We've done this to him several times now that the injections have taken. And each time he just revels in the feelings. I think he remembers how much fun he had in Hell. But when he's happy, we can't really test out what he can do. So that's why you're here now, to help us," Zachariah came forward and slammed his foot into Cas's ribs, "get a reaction out of him."

The angels watching with clipboards began focusing on Dean with rapt attention, waiting for him to react to Castiel's pain. Zachariah's foot dealt a few more blows to Castiel's stomach and ribs before he began beating into his face with fists. It hurt, bad, Cas could feel bones as they fractured and tasted his own blood. His instinct was to protect himself, but the guards had his arms held steady, all he could do was take the beating.

The movement had gotten Dean's attention from the other side of the window. He could see into the other room, saw Castiel kneeling on the floor being bloodied by Zachariah. For a few seconds he watched, smile slowly sliding off his face. The intercom had been kept on, and he could hear the sound of the punches as they fell, could hear the gasps Castiel was giving as blood filled his throat from his nose breaking. A confused expression coming onto his face, he stalked forward towards, forgetting about the chains until they pulled taunt and he jerked against them.

"No.." he whispered, the scene in front of him finally setting in, "NO, get off him!  _ **Fuck**_ no NO NO!"

Dean was screaming incoherently now, pulling as hard as he could against the chains trying to get to Castiel and shield him. His veins were standing out, massive black wings flaring out in a threat. Castiel slumped, taking the beating and watching from swelling eyes as Dean fought his restraints. It was wrong, but he couldn't help but feel a bit of pride that no matter what they did to Dean he would always try to save those he loved.

There was a loud snap that came through the speakers. Zachariah stopped and turned to watch as Dean pulled against the remaining shackle, he'd broken through the other. His wings pumped, lifting him slightly as he threw his weight against it, still screaming and frantically looking from Castiel to his work on the chains.

"See Castiel, this is exactly why we brought you. He's been complacent for weeks, just enjoying how he feels, but the minute we threaten someone he cares about he goes into overdrive," Zachariah grabbed Cas by the neck, hauling him up to the tips of his toes, "Once we condition his mind to see our enemies as his own...Oh Castiel you can't imagine the kind of carnage he will deal. We have his powers  _restrained_  and he's still this powerful! Those shackles have binding seals on them, and he  _broke them_. Can you imagine it when we let him loose?"

"You fuckin' touch him again dick...you... _God_ _dammit!_ " Dean kept pulling, straining to get to Castiel. With a loud pop a chain link broke and he lurched forward, landing on his hands and knees, eyes bent.

"Uhh, Calandel, you have that kill switch set up, right?" Zachariah released Castiel, letting the guards hold him up, and went over to an assistant.

Dean got up slowly, face painted with anger and blood. His hands were trembling with effort, shoulders heaving while he panted. His gaze connected with Castiel, took in the split lips, the broken nose, and various cuts. Then he screamed, tapping into the powers that had been held at bay, and flew at the window. His fists pounded at it, for a few moments, the dull thud reverberating around the room.

"Well then get it made already! I don't want to have him running about destroying things," Zachariah was anxiously trying to get the angel to work faster at drawing.

 _Thud, thud, thud, crack._  Dean's fist had succeeded in cracking the window, a spiderweb of rifts running through the glass. His eyes connected with Castiel's, and a smile spread across his face, looking eerie with his black eyes and bat-like wings that spread with triumph.

"Comin' for you Cas, going to get us out of here...you hear me? Gonna make you safe," Dean started pounding the glass again.

"Sir, it's ready," the assistant said to Zachariah. He had drawn a sigil on the table in blood.

"Well don't waste time asking me, just knock it out already!"

The assistant slammed his hand down, the next moment a light burst from behind Dean and quickly enveloped him while he screamed out. Castiel had to turn away, the light blinding to his Grace-less eyes.

When the screams died out and the light had gone Castiel opened his eyes, afraid of what he would find. Dean was slumped on the floor against the glass, hand still reaching up towards the dent he had made. The wings had left, and Castiel could now see the cause of the light, a powerful binding sigil was tattooed into the skin between his shoulder blades. Zachariah must have made sure he could control things should they get out of hand.

Dean was breathing slowly as he lay there, Castiel assumed he must be unconscious. The fight had to have taken a lot out of him, and Castiel was glad that he looked to be back to a man. What they had made him become, it just wasn't natural.

Zachariah came over, pulling a hand on Castiel's shoulder, his other hand tilting his head up to look up, "I hope you now see why we need you. He needs to be controlled, and we can force the power out of him, but it'd be better if we could just teach him to control himself. Thing is, he hates us. He loves you though. So...we need you to control him. We won't have to resort to these methods if you can...it'd be better for him."

Cas couldn't believe it. They had dragged Dean here, had poisoned him with a concoction of Grace and demonic powers, and were now dangling Castiel in front of him just to get reactions. Castiel could feel anger returning to him, starting from deep in his chest and bursting forth. He glared at Zachariah as best as he could through swollen eyes. He knew he couldn't lash out here, so instead asked the one question they might answer.

"Why? Just tell me what the end game is for this."

"Look Castiel, we barely won against Hell last time. You know how close we came to having Lucifer take over Earth, and our Father...well he was less pleased than we thought. He'd been quiet for so long, I mean, you knew?! You left and cut us off, so you didn't know, but he came back and he was  _pissed_. Lots of shake up and holy tantrums, the works. In the end he wanted us to find a better way to combat Hell. That's how Dean came in. We needed a human who could contain Grace but also accept a demon's powers, and what better than Michael's vessel who had once lived in Hell? He's been such a good boy you know, you should be proud!" Zachariah smirked at him. The rage won against his self-control and Castiel bit down on the hand that was holding his head up.

" _Proud?_  You think  _this_  makes me  **proud**? Zachariah, this is a perversion I thought no one capable of. Do you have any idea what you have done? I fail to see that  _this_  is what our Father meant for you to do, you...you  _sack of dicks_!" Castiel spit out, using the last of his energy to struggle against the guards.

"Ugh...I should have known you would be difficult," Zachariah rolled his eyes, turning away, "You know this could have worked out well, would be a great collaboration. But have it your way Castiel. You always do make things difficult with all those feelings of love and self-righteousness."

He turned back quicker than Castiel could react to and slammed his fist into Castiel's temple, knocking him out. He barely even registered the pain before he fell into blackness, anger and pain drifting away.


	8. Jailbreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one this update, just trying to keep scenes/sections together cohesively. Thanks for the kudos and comments!! Glad everyone's liking it!! Thoughts and suggestions are always appreciated!
> 
> As always this is unbeta'd so let me know if you see anything horribly wrong...I tried to read over but can't say I did an intense job of it xx

When Castiel awoke it was with a groan. He didn't even open his eyes, just laid where he was and tried to make the world stop spinning. He slowly tested out his joints and then tried moving the muscles in his face. To his surprise nothing hurt terribly, which was either a good or a bad sign.

He finally opened his eyes, which were somehow no longer swollen, and felt along his nose and jaw. No bruises or cracked bones there, just some aching. He took a deep breath, ribs felt ok, some aching there as well but nothing broken like earlier...

And with a snap he remembered why he was even checking for injuries in the first place, his stomach threatened to be sick at the memory.

He bolted up in the bed they'd placed him in, and immediately regretted it as the room began spinning again, so he lay back down. Apparently while they had healed most of the injuries from his beating they had left plenty behind, like the concussion. ' _Don't want their bait dying or getting comfortable, do they?'_  Cas griped to himself. He knew Zachariah wouldn't kill him, there weren't too many people they could bring in that Dean would fight to the death for.

And that brought him back to the problem here. Dean. That perfect flawed volatile tender man. Cas couldn't even begin to imagine what he was experiencing at the hands of his brethren. The perversion they were forcing on him, it broke Castiel's heart in so many different ways. He felt an ache completely separate from the beating he had been dealt by Zachariah, he wanted to be with Dean so badly. To hold him and pull him into himself, shield him from this and set things right.

But there was nothing more to be done now. He was stuck in this room until they dragged him out for another session of torturing Dean until he fought back or did what they wanted. It took so much to break Dean, even Hell had taken 30 years, Cas was afraid that he would never piece him back together this time. All he could do was hope for the best and wait it out.

It must have been a full day that they left Castiel alone. He alternated between crippling anxiety and dozing fitfully. Without his Grace his vessel was becoming needy, mostly for food and water. They had thankfully taken care of that when they healed him, but now he was hungry again. He got up and stretched a bit, the rest had helped his concussion immensely, then got back in the bed to nap. He hoped that when he next woke they would be taking him to Dean again so that he could formulate a plan to get them out.

But not even 20 minutes into his nap there came a loud pounding on his door. Quickly he scrambled up, rushing over to try and listen in on what the commotion was. All he could hear was the sound of fighting and the occasional grunt. Whoever was trying to break into his room was putting up a good fight.

 _O Lord, please let it not be Dean. There's no way he should be fighting in the state that he's in,_ Castiel prayed. However, he secretly hoped it was Dean and that his weakness the day before had been an act or forced through the mark they'd placed on him.

The sound of a small explosion came through, someone had just died. Then another. Cas stepped back from the door, ready to either fight or assist whatever came through for him.

With a huge bang the door was kicked in and there stood Balthazar, blood pouring from his nose, "Hello Cassie, miss me?"

Relief tumbled through Cas like ice, though a bit of disappointment tainted it at not having his rescuer be Dean. He stumbled forward, grabbing Balthazar by the arm to reassure himself that he was really there. The angel was looking at him with an amused expression, "Didn't expect to see me, did you? Thought I'd gone completely dark side, o ye of little faith."

"Balthazar, I can't tell you how good it is to see you. I can't believe...how are you able to fight against the..." Cas's eyes went down to the mark on Balthazar's wrist. Or at least, the large patch of blood and muscle where it  _had_  been. It'd been cut out, tissue left in it's place and blood dripping down his fingers.

"Yes, well, funny thing about marks like this, remove them and the power's gone. Though, I will say the struggle to get a knife that close to it nearly did me in," Balthazar winced, trying to brush off his accomplishment as nothing.

"Dean, he has one too. It's how they're keeping him in line. Will disabling it work the same?" Cas asked, a beginning of a plan forming in his head.

"I'm sure it will, though he couldn't remove it on his own. It would have a much stronger effect on him, being a mortal and all."

"It's something though, more than I had an hour ago. We need to get to him, you can't imagine what they've done to him. And can you get these off of me?" Cas started down the hall, Balthazar trailing close behind him.

"Ah, 'fraid I can't, you need the key to get those off. Zachariah wasn't taking any chances with you two, I guess. And yes, I've seen him...I know," he said, jogging along after Cas, "It's just down here, they have him surprisingly close to you. Been taking him by your room and taunting him with his inability since you've arrived."

Baltazar's expression was as dour as Castiel had ever seen. The usually chipper friend of Gabriel always kept up a good wall of sarcasm, but circumstances as they were...they'd affected the most removed of them all it seemed.

At the end of the next hall Balthazar drew short, motioning for Castiel to stop. He quickly glanced around the corner, "Damn, they have a few guards at his door. More to keep us out than him in I suppose."

"We need to clean you up, they'll know something's wrong with all this blood."

"Right you are," Balathazar wiped his face quickly, Grace taking away the blood from his nose, then stopped the bleeding from the chunk in his arm, "Can't fully fix that without using up too much power unfortunately, they've cut me off and I'll need all I can to fight. Here, just give me something to cover it with."

He cut off a strip of Cas's shirt and quickly bound the wrist, "Perfect, not let's go get your boyfriend."

"He's not...well, I don't.."

"Please save whatever that was for someone who is stupider than I am. Zachariah's had his eye on you two for a while now, so yea, we all know. As for me, I don't care, just make sure you hide yourself as well once you get him back, that's how they found him."

Cas could have kicked himself for that. He had never anticipated needing to hide himself from the eys of Heaven, only giving Sam and Dean the rib carvings. Doing the same to his vessel was top on his priority list once he had control of his Grace again, no use running away with Dean just to be followed.

"I just have the one blade, so let me handle the guards. You won't be of much use with those on anyways," he tapped the restraints, "try to grab a blade from one of them if you can."

Balthazar turned and began strolling down the hall, full of confidence and purpose. Thankfully the guards had no idea he was rebelling and opened the door at some excuse he made of needing to check on Dean's vitals from the training. As soon as they opened the door he swung, impaling the guard closest to him in the chest with his blade, light leaking from the wound.

The remaining two guards charged him, but he ducked beneath one blow and kicked at the knees of the other, throwing him off balance. They quickly scrambled after him again, this time he grabbed the arm of one and pulled him forward into the blade held at his chest. The other came at him before he could pull it out, but stopped mid-step with a silver tip protruding from his chest. Castiel had snuck up and taken the blade of the first guard.

"You'd think that as big of a deal as his prisoner is that Zachariah would put better guards on the place. Guess he's just too full of confidence that everything he does is foolproof," Balthazar quipped, wiping his blade off as Castiel rushed past him into the room Dean was in, "and hurry up too, they have a seal on this door so they'll know it's been opened."

Castiel wasn't sure how they were going to get him out. He was laying unconscious on the floor, curled up in a fetal position with more binding chains on his wrists. The room they'd been keeping him in was small, he could have touched the walls with outstretched arms, and there was nothing in it but the concrete floor to which he was chained.

"Come on, help me get these off of him," Cas was unfolding Dean's body trying to get to his wrists. The shackles needed a key just like the ones on himself, and with a shake of his head he knew Balthazar couldn't get them off either.

"Get that brand off him first, maybe he can rip free once he's able. I'll try and wake him up."

Castiel pulled the stolen blade up from the floor and hesitated over Dean's shoulder. He hated to slice into him at all, certainly not when he was already suffering so much. But leaving that mark there and allowing Zachariah to control him was not an option, so with a deep breath he cut at the skin.

Whatever Balthazar had been trying was rendered unnecessary, the pain from having a slice of skin removed brought Dean around with a snap, "God no, please, just leave me you bastards...Cas? Ah, what the hell..."

He watched as the last bit of skin was separated then gave a shudder as his body was freed from the hold they had placed on him. Cas held to him firmly, wishing he could stop the bleeding and make all of the pain go away.

Tentatively they both looked each other in the eye, trying to get a read on how the other was feeling. Castiel tried to convey all of the hope and love he could to Dean, but was only getting weariness and shame in return before Dean looked away. He reached out and cupped Dean's cheek, "Dean look at me. Please."

He was slow to comply, but eventually he met Cas's blue gaze again, a fearful look replacing the exhaustion, and that almost broke Castiel's heart. He needed to reassure him, needed to say what he thought he might never have the chance to say.

"I love you Dean," he whispered.

Dean blinked and took a shaky breath, his face tightening up, "Not anymore you won't. Not after what they've done, what I've done."

Cas's heart sank to the floor. Equal parts defensiveness and concern rising within him. He searched Dean's eyes, wanting to see that he was lying, but instead Dean turned away.

"No, no Dean, you know that I wouldn't..."

"Not to rush you two, but we needed to be out of here 5 minutes ago. They'll be here soon," Balthazar interrupted. Cas internally thanked him for being the rational one of the group right now. As much as he wanted to tell Dean everything and make him whole, now was not the time to do it. They still needed to get out of Heaven.

"I can get you and Castiel out of here, but we need to break these chains. Is there any way that you could do that? I don't have the strength," Balathzar pulled the metal up, holding it out for Dean.

"No, not with these...powers locked up. I can only use them when they let me," Dean whispered, looking more miserable by the second.

"It's the binding mark on your back, right? The one they used to stop things yesterday," Dean shivered at the mention of what had happened, but Cas continued, "Maybe it's like the other one and destroying it will stop what it's doing. Here, turn over."

Cas gripped Dean's good shoulder and helped pull him up so that his back was exposed. He stifled a gasp at the sight, there were scrapes covering Dean's upper back and he could just begin to see ribs beneath the skin. They must not have been feeding him properly, and locked up in this room as he was it was no wonder his muscles weren't holding firm. He ran a hand over the binding mark, it was roughly the size of his palm and right between the shoulder blades.

"I hate to cut anymore, and this would be a difficult area. Let's just try cutting through it first, maybe that will be enough," Cas said mostly to himself. He raised the blade and pulled it across the mark, blood beading up in a perfect line. Almost immediately Dean took a deep breath in and shifted his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, did that hurt too much? I tried not to cut too deep."

"No, it's fine," Dean said wearily, slumping back against Cas's arm.

"Alright then, see if you can break these then and we'll get out of here," Balthazar held up the chains to Dean.

"I don't think I can."

"But you just said you could-"

"I don't want to try. Please, don't ask me to, don't make me," Dean lowered his head, pulling away from them both.

"Why not? Dean, we need to get out of here, they'll come for you if we don't," Cas tried to reason with him and reached out to tilt his face towards him. Dean just moved his head out of Cas's grasp, refusing to look up.

"I just...I don't want to lose control. I don't want to hurt you. I can't...I just can't do that Cas," he whispered.

"Just give me just a second, I'll search the guards for a key," Balthazar got up to go look, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

Dean moved completely away from Cas, pulling his knees up to his chest and closing his eyes. He looked so feeble, so helpless. Cas reached out to him, put a hand on his forearm, but he flinched away from the touch with a small groan.

"Dean..." Cas said, both a question and a statement.

With pain written all across his face Dean opened his eyes, looking at the corner, "I'm sorry Cas, I'm sorry for all of it."

"Dean what are you talking about? There is  _nothing_  for you to be sorry for. I love you, no matter what they've done to you, but none of this was your fault. Please Dean, let me help," Cas reached across again, and once again Dean pulled away from his touch.

Cas's thoughts ran every direction all at once. Trying to consider all that he knew had happened and what he could guess had happened. Dean had been an unwilling participant in this entire scheme, there was no reason for him to feel this way, so why did he? What was it that Cas could do to take this pain away? With a sinking feeling Cas resigned himself to knowing that this was going to take a long while for Dean to overcome. This kind of pain couldn't be fixed, even with his Grace. All they could do now was get him home.

Balthazar came back in brandishing a small key and set to work on Dean. The second they became unclasped he moved as far from the two angels as he could, body trembling slightly.

"Ok, let's look at yours now," Balthazar reached for Cas's wrist. But before he could begin trying to fit the key Zachariah appeared in the doorway, an angry smirk on his face.

"You two are very brave, I'll give you that, but you're also quite stupid."

He dropped his blade into his hand and struck at Balthazar, metal colliding as they tried to over power each other. Dean began whimpering behind Cas who moved to block him from danger.

Zachariah pulled back, sneering at the two, "Did you really think we wouldn't be watching him? He's our most prized possession!"

This time he lunged at Cas, who had dropped his blade in his scramble to help Dean. Cas raised his arm, hoping to block the blow, and the blade caught on the bracelet on his arm, cracking it with a burst of light. Balthazar leaned back, grabbing a firm hold onto Dean and reaching out to Cas, "Hold on you two!" The last thing Cas heard was Dean crying out as Zachariah practically growled lunging at them.

Then he was in Bobby's living room, still crouched down against a blow that was not longer coming.


	9. Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you thought the angst was over but it's not...not even a little. However, at least they're out of Heaven and safe now! This chapter has a scene I've been dying to write since I had the idea, it's got all kinds of happy/angst/fluff wrapped up in one! 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and bookmarks! And I'm sorry for the late posting...I've been recovering from surgery and keep getting side tracked.

It took him a second to realize where they were, and the hand that slammed into his chest and burned paths along his ribs brought him back to reality. Balthazar pulled back his hand, having just made Castiel angel-finding-proof then did the same to his own vessel.

"Dean!" Sam came bolting into the room, Bobby close behind him clutching a shotgun, and knelt next to his brother. Dean was still curled in on himself, shaking in fear.

Cas turned to Balthazar, letting Sam try to coax Dean out of his shell for the moment, "Thank you, I owe you a great debt for getting us out safely."

"Don't thank me yet Cassie, they won't let him or you go that easily. You'll probably be free for a few days at most, I'd strongly suggest getting yourselves far away from here and well hidden." Balthazar turned to the three huddled together, Sam whispering reassurances to Dean and Bobby hovering. He pressed a hand to Bobby's chest, who sucked in a breath from the pain of the Enochian carvings, "You should all be invisible to them now."

"Do you still have the key? I'll need my Grace to move us out of here and fight," Cas held up his wrists, "This one is broken, so I can use a bit, but it's not near enough."

"Yea here, let's give it a try," he pulled out the key and tried fitting it into the cuffs, but it wouldn't go in. With a sigh and a shake of his head he put it away, "Sorry Cas, looks like you're stuck with half. Maybe once mutt boy over there calms down he could try. Doubt there's much he couldn't break."

"I'd prefer it if you didn't call him that, but yes, we'll try later. Thank you again, for everything."

"Not at all, happy to help anyone going against the system. Good luck, and if you get the chance to kill Zachariah, please take it for me. He's...what was it you called him? A sack of dicks?" He smirked at Cas, then took his leave, flying off to hide himself from whatever wrath Heaven would have.

Castiel let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose, a gesture he'd learned from Dean. There was so much to do, so much that needed him at full power, but they'd have to make do with half for now. First things first, he needed to get Dean stable and move them out of the area. The angels would certainly search Bobby's house first once they got together a garrison.

He looked down at where Sam was trying to cradle Dean, whispering comforting things to him. It didn't seem to be helping. Bobby was crouched down looking between them, unsure what to do. Sam looked up at him, eyes shiny and threatening to release tears at the pain his older brother was in.

"Cas, what did they do to him? What's wrong? What'd they do to you?" he asked, pulling Dean closer.

He knew he looked ragged. His shirt had a strip cut out of it and there was still blood on both it and the coat from where he had been beaten. Though he couldn't see, he was sure there was still some bruising left that they hadn't fully healed. And he was too tired to hide the sorrow on his face, but found that he didn't want to hide it from them. They deserved to know, they loved Dean just as much as he did, and they at least cared about Cas too.

"Sam, we'll talk later. Right now I need to get Dean ready to move. Can you help me get him to the couch?" He bent over and grabbed under Dean's knee, supporting his back as Sam did the same on the other side. Thankfully Sam wasn't being demanding about getting answers, he could probably see that this wasn't going to be a quick fix or a quick story.

Once they got him on the couch Cas began to uncurl Dean. He was still staring straight ahead, eyes unseeing and full of terror. His breathing was shallow.

"Can you go get me a first aid kit and some wet washcloths please? I want to make sure his wounds are taken care of. And some clothes as well. And Bobby?" he turned to the older man who still clung to his shotgun, "Could you get things packed and ready in a car? We need to move him somewhere safe. Anywhere is fine. Oh, and grab anything you can on angel lore and cross breeding. I'll explain later."

His own voice startled him. It was rougher than normal but barely above a whisper. The stress and exhaustion was making his body feel clumsy, and not for the last time he wished that he could get the other binding cuff off. With his Grace this could all have been taken care of, Dean healed, and the group moved within a few minutes. But best to take it slow now, any power he could access might be needed later.

While he waited for Sam to come back with the supplies he stroked Dean's temple and soaked in the sight of him. Even hurting and in shock he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Cas pressed a kiss to his forehead and whispered, "Dean, come back to me. Please, you're safe now."

Dean stirred a bit, looking around at his surroundings cautiously, taking in Bobby's cluttered living room. He took a deep shaky breath and looked at Cas, green meeting blue, and his fearful look softened.

"Cas...how did we...?"

"Shh, I'll answer all of your questions later, we just need to get you cleaned up and to a safe house. Try and relax, you're safe here," Cas pressed another kiss to Dean's forehead and Sam came back in the room with long strides, setting down the first aid kit for Cas to begin looking through.

"Dean, hey! We were so worried, it's good to have you back now. How are you feeling?" Sam crouched down next to Cas by the couch putting a supportive hand on Dean's knee.

And just like that Dean's walls went back up.

"Don't you dare try and baby me Sammy, you know that's my job," he scowled at his brother but with no heat in his eyes or voice. Then he tried to sit up more and hissed in pain, "What the hell? Cas, half my shoulder's gone!"

The shoulder actually looked much worse than it was, the cut had stopped bleeding but the long red lines down his arm were startling to look at. Cas began gently wiping at the lowest ones near his elbow, slowly working his way up his arm. Sam watched for a few minutes before his curiosity got the best of him.

"What happened there? Looks pretty fresh."

"Cas decided he wanted a piece of me for his scrapbook."

Castiel rolled his eyes at that and sighed, "No Dean, why would I ever do something like that?" He finished up his cleaning job and pulled Dean to sit up so he could reach the cut on his back, "Could you bandage that Sam? I'm not very good with those yet. The cut was necessary, they'd placed a sigil on him and I had to remove it to get him out of there."

Dean's back had tensed when he started to share the reason for the cut, but relaxed as he skipped over the exact details. His bravery act was enough to fool Sam, but Cas had seen how he broke and there was no use trying to hide it between the two of them.

Cas brushed a hand over his back, sending a shiver across Dean's skin. The scrapes lost their pink coloring, immediately looking a bit better.

"I don't want to chance draining too much power or I would heal the others too, but these should heal faster now. It will make resting more comfortable." There was so much more he wished he could do.

Sam moved to put a light dressing on the cut down the control mark and Cas got up to go pack a few changes of clothes for him and Dean, giving Dean privacy to put on the clothes Sam had brought down. Bobby had come back in and was putting together some food and drinks for the drive. The house was oddly silent, their movements the only sounds they heard.

* * *

An hour later they were on the road heading to a cabin John had kept out in Montana. They had sheltered there a few times in the past, and the angel proofing wouldn't take long to add with the cans of spray paint Bobby had packed. It was going to be a long 7 hour drive.

Bobby was driving with Sam up front with him to help navigate. Cas had Dean in the back of the car and was trying to keep him still but the weeks of confinement in the 'room' they'd kept him in was making him antsy. Plus, Castiel guess that his anxiety was keeping his mind from resting much. His strength was gone, making it easy for Cas to manhandle him over to lean against his back against Cas's chest, he held him tight hoping the closeness would ease his mind.

But with his brother glancing back nervously every few minutes to make sure that he was still there Dean's need to assert himself came through in the end. He grumbled and tried to pull at Cas's arms.

"I'm not a girl Cas, you can't just try and cuddle with a grown man in the back of the car. Let me go," but it was half-hearted and more for Bobby and Sam's benefit than a true complaint.

With a sigh Castiel reached up and brushed Dean's forehead with two fingers. Immediately Dean relaxed and fell asleep with his head thrown back on Cas's shoulder. The small use of power was worth the peace Dean would have for a time.

"Dude, did you just angel roofie him?! You can't do that to people Cas, especially after what he's been through-"

"Exactly Sam. After what he's been through he needs rest, and there was no way he'd get it on his own. And I need to tell you both what's happened, you deserve to know. He'd never allow me to share it if he could help it...but it needs to be said." Cas ran a hand through Dean's hear, it was greasy from so long without a shower and there were splotches of dried blood. The angel shuddered to think about how those got there, as they weren't from any cuts on Dean.

* * *

It took longer than he'd expected to share what he knew with the others. He had only been in Heaven for 5 days, but he learned that only a little over a day had passed on Earth. The area they were kept in must have altered the passage of time. Which meant that for the 27 days they had spent searching for Dean down here, he had been in Heaven for 135. Almost 5 months in the hands of Zachariah before Castiel had rescued him.

It made sense now that Dean's reaction had been as it was, Castiel hadn't been aware of the time difference until getting back. For someone who had been through 40 years in Hell though, a few months seemed like nothing. But there had to be something more that had gone on, and Dean would tell them in his own time.

Through his monologue the other two stayed quiet, waiting to ask questions at the end. Sam had reached back and grabbed Dean's limp hand, squeezing it for reassurance while Castiel talked. Bobby kept the car straight on the road, but Cas could see his knuckles turn white with his death grip as he explained how he had seen the Grace effect Dean.

Once he had finished and they'd asked a few clarifying questions they all sat in silence for a while. Sam kept his grip on Dean's hand and watched his chest as it slowly rose and fell in sleep. Cas just kept stroking Dean's hair, one arm posessively holding around his ribs.

Cas settled back against the side of the car, feeling lighter now that everything was out in the open. The weight of Dean agaisnt his chest was comforting, it proved that he was there with him finally. He watched the slow pulse in Dean's neck for a bit, matching his own breathing Dean's. It took not time at all for him to drift off to sleep, holding Dean tight while Sam watched over them both.

* * *

He woke up a few hours later as they pulled into a gas station to refuel, get snacks, and use the bathroom. Cas grumbled, not wanting to move from his place wrapped around Dean but needing to stretch and go pee. Dean's weight on his bladder was far too uncomfortable to make it the rest of the way. He reached up and touched Dean's head, lifting off the sleep he'd put him in, and then gently started moving him so he'd wake up.

Dean groaned, pulling his legs up and trying to sink down into the warmth from Cas.

"Dean, you need to get up for a bit, we've stopped for a few minutes. Do you need to go to the restroom or walk around a little?" Cas prodded him up and over into his own side, settling his zip-up sweater he'd changed into before they left.

"How the hell'd I...Cas?" Dean could see the guilty expression now, "Did you knock me out? Why would you-"

"You needed rest Dean, and you were too anxious to do it on your own. I didn't move you, just let you sleep. Plus, I needed to talk to Sam and Bobby about what's happened as far as I'm aware."

"You told them?" he whispered, face falling back into a look of shame and terror.

Cas put a hand on Dean's forearm, ignoring how he flinched away from the contact, "They needed to know Dean, and I don't even know much myself. I stayed to facts. Anything beyond that you can tell them if you want."

"Fine...at least I didn't have to watch Sam cry or whatever," Dean grumbled. He didn't seem too upset, so Cas let his tension go.

"He didn't cry Dean, don't worry," he opened his door, swung his legs out and stood up stretching in the sunshine. "He did hold your hand for a few hours though."

Dean's exasperated sigh came through the open door, "God he's such a little bitch."

Cas smiled to himself, Dean would be ok, even if it took a lot of hiding his feelings and pretending.

* * *

Of all of the things that were going to kill him in his life it was Sam's unnecessary worrying and need to talk that would do Dean in fastest. And this entire situation was no exception. The poor kid was going to strain his neck from turning to check on him every few seconds. Though if he was being honest with himself, which he wasn't, it was comforting to know that his little brother cared. If he was further honest he would curl back up on Cas's chest and rest some more until they got to the cabin.

Instead he stayed silent and scowling out the window, only allowing Cas to put a hand protectively on his knee. Fortunately, Cas had made him sleep most of the way, so the cabin was only an hour past the gas station. Even that hour felt like torture being trapped with all their unsaid feelings crowding everywhere.

When they finally rolled up to the cabin he tried to bolt out of the car, but overestimated his strength and barely got his leg out before needing to stop. Those months in captivity barely being fed had taken so much out of him, and the aching pains made it even worse.

He took a deep breath and tried to heave himself up and out of the car, but barely managed it before Sam was there pulling him out with firm hands. Kid might be a pain sometimes, but at least he could be a help when he needed to be.

"Dude, you can let go now, I'm not going to blow away with a strong breeze," Dean complained, it was humiliating to be held up like he was an invalid.

"No but you're going to need some help until you get your strength back. Just for once could you please accept our help?"

"I've been beat up before and no one acted like I was a fucking princess, get off!" he was getting annoyed now.

"Yea? Well things were never like this before, this is..." Sam cut off at the look Dean gave him. He was just  _daring_  him to say what this situation was, to say out loud what was happening.

Cas came to his rescue then, duffle bag slung over his shoulder. "Why don't I help Dean get settled inside while you and Bobby go get us some food? I for one could use some hamburgers or steak." He put an arm around Dean's back under his arms, giving him an extra lift of support and steered him away from his brother. He actually couldn't care less about food, but knew Dean would like those options and needed some protein in him.

"Yea, ok, we'll just put up some wards then head out. You know how to reach us if you need anything." Sam said. Bobby just grunted and moved off to spray paint the exterior walls of the cabin against prying angelic eyes.

Cas got them into the cabin and claimed a room for them towards the back. John had made sure there were enough rooms for three people to have their own space, and for once they were thankful for something the man had done. Dean could have some privacy and Cas could either stay with him or go take the couch.

Dean was deposited into a chair to breathe and rest while Cas put a fresh change of sheets on the bed. The walk from the car had been more difficult on his body than he'd expected. From the tests before Cas had arrived he knew that the 'kill switch' left him drained horribly for days, but this round felt worse than the others had. He was glad that Cas was so patient with him and wouldn't judge his weakness, or fret over it like Sam did.

He watched Cas pull the sheets over the bed, tucking them in tightly like Dean preferred. Even though he had put on a fresh change of clothes back at Bobby's he still looked terrible. His hair was an unruly mess, he had blood and dirt caked into his nails, and there was some slight bruising along his jaw from the beating Zachariah had given him. Dean didn't remember much of that, his mind had gone into a frenzy with all of the power rushing through him, but he knew Cas had been beaten bloody and nearly senseless.

Cas left the room then, and Dean felt his absence immediately. There wasn't much to distract him from thoughts of the past few months, so he tried focusing on his own breathing and the feel of the hard chair against him.

He was only alone 10 minutes before he felt a panic attack starting. His heart kicked up to a fast pace, there wasn't enough air getting into his lungs, and his lips started to feel numb. He took big breaths, trying to get more air in, but no matter what it felt like he was suffocating. His thoughts started running fast, rationally knowing that he wasn't in any danger but his body wouldn't calm down. O God he was going to die right here in this chair from lack of oxygen.  _Mustgetoutnow._

Cas chose that moment to come back in the room, startling him back from the edge of falling into true panic. He hoped Cas hadn't noticed the wild hunted look that had been in his eyes, but knew the angel would have seen, even if he chose to ignore it for now.

"They got the generator going, so I was able to heat up a bath, we should get you cleaned up," Cas came over and helped lift him to his feet towards the cabin's bathroom.

John had brought the tub in when they bought the cabin. It had been their first hiding place, and with one toddler and a 5 year old they needed a bath rather than a shower. John had bathed them for a few years until Dean was deemed old enough to ensure his little brother wouldn't drown, then the responsibility fell to him. The old claw-foot tub had been scavenged from somewhere and patched with caulk, giant cracks running through the porcelain. A shower head above it went in years later then the boys were older.

Cas set Dean down on the toilet while he went to check on the water temperature and get towels. He'd run the bath, not the shower, and Dean was grateful for the thought, there was no way he could stand through a shower as weak as he was. Then Cas came back and started helping Dean out of his clothes. He made it through the shirts before feeling his cheeks heat up, he might be weak but this could go the wrong way quickly.

"I...I can do the rest and wash up Cas, thanks," he stammered out.

"Dean, you can barely stand on your own, you need help with this. Unless you'd rather have Bobby or Sam," Castiel gave him an amused smirk.

"Uh, no, that'd be...horrible."

"Then please relax and let me take care of you," Cas said, face slightly uncertain while he undid Dean's jeans and let them fall to the floor.

"I think I can manage the rest," Dean whispered. This whole thing had started to feel uncomfortable. Not in a bad way, but there was an awkward tension between them and he wasn't sure about what Cas was thinking. The angel had put him at arms length for so long before...getting naked in front of him now seemed like it would be a big step. And he wasn't even sure where they stood at this point.

Cas kept his eyes trained on Dean's shoulder while he worked his boxers off, then took off his own shirts. Neither looked the other in the eye as they stood until Castiel finally broke the silence.

"Here, let me get these bandages off before you get in," he started peeling off the tape that kept gauze on the wounds.

Dean gasped a little at the pain when the gauze pulled away from his raw skin on the shoulder, "Did you really have to cut that all off? Hurts like a bitch."

"I'm not sure if I needed to remove it all, but Balthazar did the same to his and it seemed to work. Thankfully, just a cut through the other mark was enough, or else you'd have two large sections to heal." He pulled the bandage off the other as he spoke, noting that they had stopped bleeding and had lost their vibrant red hue. A good sign, and they could use it.

Cas put a firm grip on Dean's arm and steered him toward the tub, supporting him while he got in and settled under the warm water. Dean leaned back, closing his eyes, and focused on the feel of the warmth soaking into his muscles and joints. He heard Cas bring over some bottles and set them next to the tub and settle down on his knees back behind Dean. Then unsure hands touched along the tops of his shoulders.

"Just keep your eyes closed Dean, and try to relax. Tell me if I do something wrong," Cas said as he began scooping water up and over Dean's chest and neck then added some woodsy scented soap.

 _God I'd forgotten how good it was to get in a bath_ , Dean thought. He hadn't had much opportunity to do this since Mary died, mostly just when a girl would insist on it. And those baths hadn't been about relaxing. But for all Castiel's lack of experience with these sorts of things he certainly knew how to give good soapy massages. He couldn't help but let out a contented moan when his neck muscles were worked over with perfectly pressured rubs.

"Where'd you learn to do this Cas? Been running off with someone else while I was gone?"

"From your memories. I saw them all when I put you back together. I know your mother used to give you long baths like this when your father was being particularly abrasive. And you did the same for Sam when he was old enough. I figured you hadn't grown out of this particular enjoyment," Cas said, scooping up more water to rinse off the soap. Dean's skin had gone from a sickeningly dirty color to its usual faded tan.

"I'd be creeped out by that if it didn't feel so damn good. Hand me the soap and I'll get my legs," Dean couldn't help but feel love toward Castiel at the fact that he was doing his best to comfort him. And he was grateful that he hadn't pushed to know what had happened in Heaven, he wasn't sure he was ready to even think about it yet.

Dean hooked his heel over the edge of the tub and focused on washing the dirt off his leg. Cas had stopped his rubbing and was leaning forward, arms wrapped possessively across Dean's chest with his head nuzzled into his neck. He stayed like that while he worked on each leg.

"I was so worried that I would never find you Dean, that you were lost to me," Cas whispered into his skin, pulling Dean tighter in to him.

Dean didn't know how to respond to that yet. Fact was that he had been worried they wouldn't find him either. Had been afraid that he would never get to kiss his angel again, or share a beer with Sam on the trunk of the Impala, or even just be free of the cell they'd had him in. But being here with Cas holding him, it made the memories feel distant, like it was something he could manage.

Cas pulled back and pushed Dean forward until he could dunk his head a bit and work out some of the dirt in his hair. Then he grabbed the shampoo and began lathering it and working it into his scalp. With the same perfectly calculated rubs he worked over every inch, getting rid of the last traces of Dean's ordeal as well as the last of the tension in him. Head massages became his favorite thing just then, Cas's fingers smoothing out every muscle and nerve he never knew he had. He didn't care if it was girly or not, this felt fantastic and intimate and amazing.

He was pushed down into the water again and Cas rinsed the lather from his hair, cradling his neck with a hand. Dean chanced a look at Cas's face, and nearly came undone at the tenderness there.

Once Dean was fully rinsed Castiel stood up and started taking off his jeans. Earlier Dean would have been worried about it, but he was through trying to ignore how much he liked the intimacy between them. He could trust Castiel, with everything, he'd never do anything to hurt him.

Cas nudged Dean forward in the tub and climbed in behind him, legs straddling Dean's hips, then pulled him back to lay against his chest like they had in the Impala. They'd touched skin to skin before, but with no other clothing between them this felt...different. Cas started up his slow rubs along Dean's neck with one hand, the other wrapped around his waist.

"You using your mojo on me right now Cas? Cause I haven't felt this relaxed in...I don't know, years," he asked, eyes closed and head lolled back. He wasn't sure, but either he was genuinely super relaxed or Cas had used some mojo to loosen up his mind, and either option seemed perfectly acceptable.

"No Dean, I'm not. I would if I could, but these Grace restraints aren't allowing much through."

Dean lifted his head and grabbed Cas's hands, examining the cuffs on them. He'd noticed them earlier of course but hadn't given much thought into what they were. Had hoped it was some bizarre fashion statement rather than something Heaven had used against Cas, though that thought had been a very far-fetched hope.

"Zachariah did this to you, didn't he," It was more of a statement than a question. He pulled Cas's arms around himself and pressed back into him, "What else did they do? Did they hurt you Cas?"

"Yes, he did. He was also the one who broke the one side, I blocked his blade with it. And no, they didn't physically hurt me much. It feels...uncomfortable to not have my powers, but I can manage just fine."

"Do you think I could get them off of you? With these powers?"

"Balthazar seemed to think so, but Dean you shouldn't push yourself for my sake," Cas squeezed him tighter and gave a light kiss to his temple.

Now Dean just felt guilty. He had the power to free Castiel from what Zachariah had done to him, to restore him to what he was, and yet he was too much of a coward to do so. And Dean Winchester was never a coward…

"I'll get it off you Cas. Maybe not today, but I promise I will. I'm still just too afraid," he took a deep breath. If there was ever a time to get it off his chest it was now. Who knows if they'd come for him, and when they would? Cas held his tight and let him speak while he poured out all there was to say.

"It just feels so wrong Cas. I can still feel it in me, it's like whatever they put in me settled into my bones and won't get out. It felt like fire when they'd put it in, just burning away at every vein in my body. And you know, I could have made it through that alright. I felt pain like that and more in Hell and dealt with it for 30 years before it broke me. But this...this was different. In Hell, I  _chose_  to stay on the rack, I  _chose_  to get off..and I guess that's what the difference was, my choice in it. What Zachariah did...I couldn't fight it. I couldn't do anything but feel my body react how they wanted, sit by as they took that choice from me."

Tears had started to fall from his eyes as he talked, and if the wetness on his shoulder was anything to go by Cas was silently crying too. But they let it go, just holding to each other while Dean got it out. The arms around his chest and waist grounded him, and kept his panic and fear from growing too much as they had earlier.

"But you know what the worst was Cas? They forced me to become...whatever that was. I couldn't make it stop, I just couldn't...even in  _Hell_  I had the choice to stop the pain! And now I'm stuck with those stupid fucking wings and I'm afraid that if I get one smell of your blood I'll go dark side or something and...God I don't even know Cas. What the hell are we going to do?"

"Dean no, your wings are not stupid. They are proof of how strong you are, and don't you dare think otherwise," Cas gripped Dean's waist and turned him around to face him, the water sloshed around, some spilling over the edge as Cas slammed into Dean. He kissed him hard, arms pulling them chest to chest, and Dean was too stunned to fight it even if he wanted to. His cheeks slid against Cas's from their shared tears and he tasted salt along with familiar taste of his lips. There was no heat to their kisses, just an intense need to demonstrate their feelings for each other and make up for all of the lost time.

Eventually Cas pulled back, holding Dean's jaw in his hands and fixing him with one of his soul-seeing stares, "This is nothing that could happen to you that would cause me to stop loving you Dean, please know that. You survived what they did, and not a single bit of it was your fault. I know your strength, and you know that I will never stop being your biggest supporter. I'm only sorry that I couldn't have found you sooner, but I am proud that we never lost hope in each other."

"I'm happy to hear it man, really I am, but can we stop with the chick flick stuff now? I just want to forget all of it, I just want to fill my mind with you," Dean growled out, pulling Cas back into a kiss with a hand and reaching down to pull their hips together.

They gasped into each others mouths when skin touched skin, cocks hardening against legs and hips while grabbing every part of each other they could. They didn't need to stop and discuss this, the human need to physically distract from pain took over and they let it do away with any space between them.

Dean had been careful to not inspect Cas earlier when he'd stripped down, hadn't been sure what the atmosphere was, but from what he felt against his thigh there was plenty that the angel had been hiding from him. In his experience small girls had some of the best tits, so it was no surprise that the slender man had a surprise below the belt. Dean pushed his hips forward, rocking into Cas to give him some pressure and friction.

He was rewarded with a low moan and sharp bite. Cas pulled his head away to look Dean in the eye, blue flashing with lust as he thrust forward to meet Dean and pressed their cocks together against their stomachs. He leaned down and bit along Dean's neck, small teasing nips that brought little noises out of Dean. He loved when Cas mixed a little pain into things, and he raked his nails down Cas's back in answer.

"God Cas I need you, thought about this so much," his hand had gone down to grasp Cas's ass and crush them closer together while kneading the firm muscle, "you're so fucking gorgeous Cas...need more."

"I got you Dean, here, just...work with me," Cas whispered out, voice low and gravelly. He pulled one hand away from his hold on Dean's head and wrapped it around both of their cocks, water giving a perfect amount of lube and friction for this, "let's do it together."

Dean caught his meaning and brought a hand to wrap around on the other side, fingers clasping together as they slowly stroked up.

As they ran over the heads they groaned, eyes locked on each other, not turning away from the intimacy of what they were doing. They set up a slow rhythm together, hips rolling along with their movements. A few strokes in Cas ran his thumb over the heads and pressed into the slit on one of them, the distinction didn't matter anymore. It turned out to be Dean's and his eyes widened as he stammered out a curse.

"Goddammit Cas, for a virgin you sure know what you're doing," he managed, eyes rolled back up when Cas did it again.

"You assume I have no experience with myself Dean, but let me assure you I know...ugh...what feels good," he growled back, stuttering only a bit when Dean licked up his neck and pulled on his hair with his free hand.

They sped up their strokes, working each other in time with themselves and riding the wave of feeling at the same point. Free hands pulled at hair, shoulders, and ass. Mouths bit, kissed, and licked. Eyes were half lidded, blue and green staring each other down and conveying all they wanted to say but couldn't form the words for.

It was Dean that finally broke the constant mutters of 'yes', 'God yes', and 'fuck yes'. His muscles began vibrating with expectancy, warm feeling pooling in his groin turned to fire.

"Casssss...I'm getting so close...God yes, don't stop," his head rolled back as he lost himself in the feeling, letting it wash over him. Cas would have none of that, and pulled his head back up to face him.

"Give it to me Dean, let me see," he pleaded, eyes glinting as he watched Dean lose himself. It was Cas's hand that kept time as Dean clenched up beneath him. His breathing became erratic, eyes wide as the pressure built, and then the wave broke.

Dean moaned loud with his eyes locked onto Cas's, electric cool tingles ran down all of his limbs, including the phantom wings he knew were attached somewhere. Everything felt like light, licking through his bones and easing the pain.

Cas followed close behind, his own release even more powerful. What little Grace he had access to lit up inside him filling his vessel with warmth to accompany the pulsing electric feelings shooting through him. Fortunately his Grace didn't escape and hurt Dean, but he reveled in the feeling and held on to it as long as he could.

As they collapsed, chests heaving against each other, Dean chuckled lightly and pressed a small kiss to Cas's forehead, "You were holding out on me angel, that was...wow."

Cas gave a small hum in agreement, wrapping his warms around Dean's back and nuzzling into his neck. They stayed there for a few minutes, just enjoying the contented euphoric post-orgasm feeling. It wasn't until Dean opened his eyes and looked around the room that he gave a groan of annoyance.

"We probably should have drained the tub first...this is going to be a bitch to clean up." There was water all over the floor. Their energetic movements and attack of each other had caused a lot of splashing that they'd ignored.

Cas sighed and snapped his fingers, the water disappearing from the room. He pulled back and lifted the plug on the tub to drain it.

"Well if that wasn't rebellious use of angel mojo then I don't know what was," Dean said, mildly amused that Castiel was feeling this lazy. Must have been feeling mighty lazy and good.

"Let's get dried off and in bed Dean, I could use some sleep after that," he stepped out and grabbed the towels he'd set aside earlier. Dean followed him out, muscles trembling from the exertion. If he'd been weak earlier it was nothing compared to how useless he felt now. He let Cas rub the water off of him, taking care to dry every drop from his hair and body. He watched as Cas did the same to himself, then led them out of the bathroom and into their bedroom to collapse under the sheets.

It was nice to pull close to each other with the cool sheets surrounding them. It felt different with no clothes on, like there was nothing separating them anymore. And really, there wasn't. Cas had always known everything about Dean, and now he knew about this confused and terrified part of him. Dean couldn't find it in himself to be bothered by that, in fact he wanted Cas to know, wanted to tell him everything he'd thought while in Heaven.

But that day was about reconfirming themselves to each other, words could come later. So they wrapped long tired arms around each other, Dean's head on Castiel's shoulder, and drifted into dreams that were golden tinted and full of contentment. They didn't even stir when Sam came in a few hours later to check on them, smiling at the sight of his brother back in the arms of his angel where he belonged.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a plan for this chapter but that went out the window fast. This story is giving me too many ideas! Hopefully you enjoy! And thank you for your kudos! It's so amazing to see that people are enjoying this, pushes me to keep going so you can see the end!
> 
> Also, as a female, that last scene was completely a shot in the dark...just going off my ex boyfriends and their reactions to things. Later full sex scenes will be easier since I've been in that territory before (yay adventurous closeted boyfriends)

 

The next few weeks passed in a slow and easy way. Dean regained much of his strength with all of the food they pushed onto him, and Sam began helping him work out a bit. They didn't press him for more information, but didn't avoid the topic either, just discussed it in a very matter of fact way. It worked for Dean, let him deal with the emotional part of it with Cas when they were alone.

Their days were spent researching and laying about, occasionally playing a game of cards. Bobby and Sam sifted through every bit of lore they could get their hands on, trying to find a way to help or just understand what had happened to Dean. They found nothing on the nephalem, and were considering changing tactics and just trying out what they knew about angels on him. Of course, that was a last resort option. For the moment they were nose deep in a tome on general angel lore, hoping they could find a safe way to test things.

Castiel bought a puzzle on a supply run and spent several days meticulously piecing it together on the kitchen table, back hunched and eyes full of suspicious confusion. He was fascinated by human's desire to take a picture, break it apart, and then put it back together. But he found it relaxing to focus on something while giving Dean some space. He also spent large amounts of time photographing the woods around the cabin, intrigued by the change in seasons.

And Dean  _needed_  space. He hated to be babied or fussed over, and Sam's kicked puppy eyes following him around the cabin set his teeth on edge. He busied himself working on the car or walking in the woods with Cas until he'd get tired, then go nap with Cas til the next meal time. The two were as inseparable as a couple of teenagers. He wished he and the angel could have the privacy to fully explore their new intimacy, but the story of his life had always been 'my little brother is a cockblock', and this time was no exception.

However at night Sam couldn't keep watch over them both. And in the safety of their room they used their bodies to heal the hurt and pull the pieces back together. Dean would complain that Castiel was once again not wanting to go further than they had that first day back...but if he was honest that last step terrified him. He had no experience with the rest of male on male sex, kissing was as far as he'd let that go in the past. He got the fundamental idea, but his confidence was a zero in making it a fun time for either of them.

And besides, if the sounds he got out of the angel were anything to go by, he was just as pleased with this new set-up as Dean was. Thin walls were a bitch though, they had to be careful, the corners of their pillows were bitten ragged from stifled sobs and cries. Every few days he'd hit a good stride and bring the angel off so hard he couldn't keep quiet, surprisingly Bobby and Sam never mentioned or made any sign of being bothered by it.

It was now getting well into November, and the cold was keeping everyone inside. The atmosphere among them had been getting testy, as Dean's strength returned so did his alpha wolf attitude, and his complaining and poking fun was not helping keep the tension under control.

"You know, we might try drawing another one of those binding seals they had on you. Might at least give you some peace of mind," Sam said as he watched Dean pace the kitchen for the hundredth time. He and Bobby were scouring yet another text at the table.

"I'm fine Sam, if you haven't noticed I'm not out of control over here," he snapped back, scowling over at his brother.

"Ok if you're so under control, why can't we test out what you can do?"

"You know perfectly well why we can't Sammy!" he'd stopped by the edge of the counter. Sam's pushing was getting on his nerves now.

"Nothing's happened to you in weeks Dean, and you've had nothing blocking it either. Why don't we have Cas work with us to make a list of things to try, then go out somewhere and do it? You could use a chance to get out of here," Sam reasoned with him.

"No Sam! Maybe nothing's happened  _yet_  but you  _know_  that if I lost control it would be Cas who gets hurt!" Just the thought of angel blood made his mouth water and stomach turn  _without_  his Grace flared and begging for it. No way in Hell would he let them unleash whatever this...this crap inside him was. Zachariah had kept him on a steady diet of it for months, and he'd come off with no withdrawal, he counted himself lucky so far.

"Do I have a say in this?" Castiel poked his head around the corner from the bedroom where he'd been napping. He was doing that far too frequently for Dean to blow it off as nothing...

"No Cas, this isn't up for discussion. I'm not doing it. This shit is staying as repressed as I can make it, which is very fucking repressed," he said, heat rising into his voice. He would remain firm on the subject, nothing could make him hurt Castiel.

"Actually, yes I do have a say. I've been exhausting myself trying to contain you, but Dean it would be best if you could just go get it out of your system a little." Cas came over and poured a cup of coffee.

"Either no one here is on the same page or I'm finally losing my mind," Bobby spoke up from the table, "Care to explain what you mean Cas? Cause from the look of it Dean's been under control."

Cas sighed and trudged over to the table, grabbing Dean's sleeve on the way and dragging him along. As they settled down Cas took a moment to close the books on the table and sip his coffee a bit.

"Let me begin by telling you that what I will share is all that I know about Grace and it's workings. I do not know every rule regarding it, but from my own use this is what I can gather. The first thing you should understand is that when they began putting Grace into Dean, it would have been similar to starting a car. All humans have small amounts of Grace contained in their souls, but by amplifying that over time they were able to force his soul to make more and more. Essentially his soul is now generating Grace at an accelerated rate, and due to him being a true vessel, he can contain it. For a time."

He took another sip of coffee, letting things sink in for a moment.

"The next thing is how these cuffs on my wrists work. They have two functions, the first is to stop the flow of my own Grace and the second is to block me from using Grace at all. If they just blocked my own, I could siphon off another angel and negate the point. With the break on the one I am now able to use small amounts of my own Grace, but it also weakened the block that keeps me from using that of someone else. I can somewhat act as a conductor for Grace now, if you choose to think of it like that. Not all of it, but enough to keep me safe can be channeled."

Sam and Bobby nodded, seeing the connections he was making between things. Dean's blank stare with a furrowed brow meant this would need to be re-explained later in simpler terms.

"Now, in Heaven it would be safe for an angel to be without a vessel to contain thier Grace, they can let go of the excess that their soul generates. But once here on Earth that isn't possible, Grace could be destructive if just let out into the world. It's generally easy to control that overflow, as it takes a large amount to hold and maintain a vessel. Dean is in the special position of not having a vessel to use up his extra, and so it's been building up inside of him."

"But I've felt fine Cas, nothing's felt like it's getting close to a nuclear meltdown inside of me," Dean squinted his eyes up a bit, still not fully following.

"That's because I've been draining it out of you before that could happen. I noticed it soon after we got here. I make sure to do it when you're not paying attention, and try to direct it, but it's difficult with these restraints, they only allow me to redirect a little. The rest just turns against me and leaves me drained," he batted at the cuffs on his wrists.

They sat in silence for a few moments, taking it all in and working through what it meant. Dean had an almost comical look of confusion while he stared at Cas, hoping to get his attention. But Castiel just sipped his coffee and waited.

"So then I guess my idea kinda works, we go test out what Dean can do and he can get rid of some of the energy he has in him. Can't keep draining you for it, what would happen if Zachariah showed back up?" Sam said, giving meaningful looks to Dean, "We'd be better off knowing more and having you at full capacity than where we are now."

"No! This is too risky Sam, this could  _kill_  Cas, not just leave him tired!"

"Dean." Cas said with a deep tone of order, willing Dean to meet his eye, "Do you remember what you did the first time you saw me on Earth? You stabbed me in the heart with a demon blade. Of everyone I have ever known, you take the most foolhardy risks on a constant basis. This time will be no exception. You won't hurt me, and we will get this figured out."

His short speech left no room for discussion, and Dean felt his cheeks reddening at the memory of their first encounter. It wasn't his proudest moment.

"This is going to be a terrible idea..." Dean said quietly, then got up from the table and went to his and Cas's room. He wanted to be alone and away from all of their prying eyes for a while to process this.

He threw himself onto the bed, huffing in annoyance that they weren't listening to his warnings.  _I know my own body best, right? And this is kind of an...extension of it. They're going to get Cas killed_. He rolled onto his side and glared at the wall. He could hear some murmuring from the other room followed by the scraping of chairs as everyone got up.

Two separate and loud footsteps went out the front door, another quieter set went over towards the kitchen and dropped something in the sink before coming to his room. The Impala roared to life outside and started driving away as Cas sat down on the edge of the bed behind Dean.

The angel sighed and leaned over to put a hand on his hip, "Dean..."

Dean pulled away from Cas's touch, hating himself for it but he didn't need to be distracted by anything right now. "When exactly did you plan to tell me all this?"

"I had hoped to once we knew a little more about this, I know it's a difficult subject for you." Cas pushed forward again, placing his hand on Dean's shoulder just below his burn mark, "But it would be healthier if we could find a way to deal with this. I can't control it forever Dean."

"Yea and about that, when  _have_  you been controlling this? Because I haven't noticed anything weird happening." Dean turned to eye Cas suspiciously. He'd been thinking through the past few weeks and came up blank.

"It's...a little embarrassing," Cas said, looking away, "And please understand that I don't do it every time, just once every few days."

Dean's suspicion grew, "Every time  _what_  Cas?"

The angel sighed and closed his eyes while he got it out as fast as he could, "Every time you orgasm."

They sat in silence for a few seconds while Dean let that sink in. Then with horror he considered how willing Cas had been since they got back, how at least once a day if not more he would come at him with that hot mouth and hotter hands.  _O God the angel's been whoring himself out just to help me_.

Cas could see the trail Dean's thoughts were taking, his face rarely hid what he was thinking, and he put a stop to it as soon as he could, "Dean no, remember I said not every..."

"Cas how the hell could you do this? I thought that was all supposed to mean something to you, not just...Jesus Cas, has everything meant nothing?" Dean was getting irrationally upset, he knew that. He loathed to admit it but he'd let all this intimacy  _mean_  something this time, hadn't just brushed it off like all the rest.

" _Dean_. Please just listen before you assume things about my motives." Cas pulled his legs up onto the bed and crossed them facing Dean, he rubbed a hand over his forehead as he explained, "Grace is a difficult thing to grab a hold of in another being, it's kept hidden away much like it has been with you. It's the same with me as well, unless I brought it to the surface you couldn't see it. Angels are...beings of extremes, and so it takes extreme things to bring our Grace out without our willing it to do so. The two I know of are death and a deep expression of love and trust."

Dean rolled over to his back and stared bewildered at Castiel. This was the most ridiculous thing he had heard in a while, and hoped this wasn't some kind of angel kink thing.

"But no Dean, that isn't the point behind our dalliances. It may be necessary, but it's also because I want to and enjoy it. When you open up to me like that it's...blinding and beautiful. Touching your Grace and taking it into myself is...something beyond what I could have imagined. And well worth the suffering from these restraints. What little I can redirect out has served to muffle the sounds of my own release at those times...touching Grace like that is...intense."

Cas almost looked sheepish at what he was confessing to, and the expression was too sweet for Dean to stay angry at. He pulled Cas down next to him and they fit together like a puzzle. Dean chuckled a little, he was right it  _had_ been a kink thing.

"So how come I haven't noticed this Cas? I want to see what it's all about now that I know it's happening. Bet it'd be pretty hot to see my little angel all strung out on Grace-sex," Dean said with a smirk. He was never so glad that he'd corrupted Cas than now.

"It's fairly simple to hide from you. You tend to close your eyes very tightly when you climax unless I tell you otherwise, plus I don't think you're paying attention to much else then," he said with a hint of a smirk, giving a slight nuzzle under Dean's chin.

"So does that mean you'll let me see?" Dean had moved from incredibly pissed off to incredibly horny by this point. As with everything the angel had to offer he just had to watch. It'd been the same with his wings that first tentative night.

Dean wrapped an arm around Cas's waist and pulled the angel over to lay on his chest. Cas regarded him warily but with a small smirk that showed he knew exactly where this was going to end up. "Why do you think I asked Sam and Bobby to give us an hour or two?"

Dean lifted his head to place a chaste kiss on Cas while the hand that had been on his waist slid down to grab a handful of ass. He felt Cas smile against his lips, then he pulled back with a long suffering expression.

"You are quite possibly the least subtle being I have ever known Dean, are you aware of that?"

Dean chuckled, the low rumble vibrating into Cas where their chests collided, "You've never complained before," he proved his point by bringing his other hand to join on the angel's ass and ground their groins against each other. Neither was hard, but they pressed against each other, and he felt Cas begin to slowly swell at the sensation.

"You, Dean Winchester, are truly one of my father's greatest and worst creations," Cas whispered against his lips. Then with unnatural force came crashing forward, burying his hands in Deans hair to hold him in place.

Teeth clicked against each other and tongues warred between them. Dean loved how Cas changed the way he kissed depending on how he felt, sometimes it was hesitant and soft, lots of slow tongue dragging across his lips. But times like this when the angel seemingly lost control were the hottest. All need and desire and perfection. And those little whines he made when Dean held back from him, God those went straight into his veins like ice and ruined any attempts at teasing.

Castiel couldn't hold himself together, he started pulling at Dean's shirt and whimpered when he had to lean back to get it over his head. He was falling deep into his own lust, pupils widening and breathing hard. Dean did his best to give Cas what he could at the moment, but the assault of hands, lips, and the delicious way those slim hips were moving...he was coming undone himself under it.

Shirts now gone, Cas licked and bit his way down Deans chest, kicking both of their jeans off with his feet as he went. He palmed Dean through his briefs, a sharp hiss coming in response to the pressure.

"Well don't waste any time then. It's been weeks and you're still as eager as a teenager Cas. Think you have some...ah...repression issues much?" Dean managed to get out as Cas bit into his hips and pulled down his boxers. He was fully hard now and his cock swung up to land on Cas's neck.

Cas moved a little lower, running his hands up and down Dean's thighs. He kissed over where he'd bitten, moving his kisses lower to the base of Deans cock. He paused and looked up into the hunters wild eyes. Not breaking eye contact he licked up the shaft with slow methodical movements, causing Dean to buck slightly and bite his pouty lips. When he got to the head he smirked and ran his tongue into the slit at the top, letting it linger there while Dean gave little sobbing sounds.

After the slow torture of working his way up he was quick to swallow Dean down. Suppressing his gag reflex was the best use of Grace he'd found so far, the full cry that fell to a moan he got from the move was worth any guilt for the abuse of power.

He made a few quick bobs up and down before a hand threaded into his hair and pulled him off. Dean's flushed face read conflicting emotions. "God Cas, as much as I want you to just keep doing that, I really want to see what happens later. No way in heaven or hell I'd stay conscious if you kept that up."

"Fine, but next time I get to pleasure you for as long as I want," he said, lowering back onto Dean then sucking hard as he pulled back off.

"Jesus Cas...the mouth on you," Dean yanked him up, ending the slippery slope that was a blow job from an angel. There would be no paying attention to the 'lesson' if he had a lap-full of wet, hot, perfect Cas. Damn angel could be a downright needy slut when he was worked up like this.

With a wicked half smile Cas crawled back up, letting Dean push his boxers down. His heavy cock fell out and grazed along Deans leg and hip as he moved up, eyes rolling shut at the feeling. Dean propped himself up against the wall, getting Cas to a good angle.

They wrapped their hands around each other, moaning together as they started stroking in time. There was a purpose to their movements, not spending time coaxing and teasing. Cas held himself up with his free hand pressed directly in the middle of Deans chest and soaked lust into him with those lidded sea blue eyes.

"Don't close your eyes Dean...just...keep watching me," Cas panted out as they kept up a good rhythm. Only two weeks of practice and they'd already become experts at getting each other off quickly, hands stroking and twisting at just the right speed and pressure.

After a few minutes Dean was starting to get close, he could feel his muscles trembling with that tight energy and his balls squeezing up. His moans cut off into small gasps as he got right to the edge. With one last gasp of 'Cas' the tension overwhelmed him and came slamming out in waves.

Right as he said the angels name a concentrated look came over Cas. He was truly looking through him this time, seeing down into his soul where all of the extra Grace had risen to the top, waiting to be used. Deans chest glowed white under Cas's hand as he urged the Grace to come into him, and as Dean fell over the edge of his climax the light lept forth. Cas opened his mouth in a snarl and drank in the power, eyes going wide as it filled him up and mixed with his own Grace.

It was a cloying feeling to have Deans Grace in him, both too good to believe and too painful from the restraints, tinged with just the right amount of wrong from the demon powers. He shoved some of it out in the shape of his wings, but the excess burned through him in mixed pain and pleasure.

As he let his wings unfurl Dean gave a sharp stroke and twist to his dick with a thumb over the head and he climaxed higher than he had before, no longer holding himself back. He threw his head skyward and screamed as he came in hot white streaks that mixed with Dean's, wings stretched out as far as they could go.

With a sigh he relaxed down, wings fading into nothing, and looked back up at Dean. The man was openly staring, awe shining in his green eyes.

"You sure you can't just keep dealing with it this way? Because damn Cas...that was...damn," Dean chuckled, leaning up to kiss Cas's cheeks.

Castiel smirked a little and let himself collapse onto Dean's chest, exhaustion taking over, "We can't keep doing this forever, but I expect that once you get these off me," he lift and arm to show the cuff, "it will feel even more powerful and I'll be able to stay strong after."

"Right, because we need that to be  _more_  powerful. I think you'd melt with all the feelings." Cas hummed his amusement and agreement into Dean's chest, the angel was almost asleep already.

It had been easy for Dean to once again forget just what Castiel was, the restraining bands forced him to be almost human, but this had brought it back with jarring clarity. There was just no way that anything on the same level as a human could have done what Cas just did, it had been equally terrifying and beautiful. Seeing his angel literally drink up the power he could give him and come apart with it had to be one of the top three sexiest things he had ever seen. He had looked ready to attack, and that threat of danger had sent a flood of adrenaline into the mix of hormones.

The extreme heat was settling down, leaving them both slightly chilled, Dean manhandled Cas around until he could reach for the blanket at the foot of the bed and cover them. The winter weather was finally bringing them some snow, he watched it fall outside the window and listened to Castiel's slow breathing as he slept off the exhaustion.

* * *

When Sam and Bobby returned a strategics meeting began while Castiel got some extra rest. He joined after a few hours and they pulled together a plan for getting Dean tested out.

He shot down the idea of a control mark, not even with Castiel being the one tied to him through it. It was too risky and he still felt too vulnerable from Zachariah abusing the power the marks had given him. Instead they decided that the first thing to be done was take the cuffs off of Cas, so he could try and assist at full power if anything were to go wrong. After that the plan became more vague, they didn't truly know what they were getting into, so they'd have to play it by ear.

After a day of rest so Cas could regain a little strength they piled into the Impala and set off as far into the mountains as they could get. Montana was perfect like that, they could drive for hundreds of miles and never see another soul. The recent snowfall had halted most traffic into the area, so they were alone when they found a good sized clearing.

Dean and Cas got out, bundled up in a million different sweatshirts against the cold. Sam and Bobby stayed in the car, keeping the heat going and ready to make a quick get away if things went wrong. That was Dean's other condition. He might risk things around Castiel, he was a freaking angel after all, he could take a lot, but the other two needed to leave at a seconds notice if he couldn't control this. They'd agreed, and with the temperature as it was they weren't too sour about staying where it was warm.

"Can we get this over with quickly? I'm going to freeze some appendages off out here," Dean whined. He stood stamping his feet with shoulders hunched. He'd always thought he was more of a southern person anyway, this cold was unnecessary.

"How quickly this goes is all dependant on you Dean. You are taking the lead this time," Cas said between chatters of his teeth. Dean would never say it to his face but cold Castiel was adorable. His nose had turned red and the wind was making his cheeks turn a bright pink. Combined with the miserable look in his eyes, Dean just wanted to go warm him up and give him a hot cocoa.

Instead Dean just huffed and glared over at the car. The sooner he did this the sooner they could go get warm. And he had plans for just how to warm the angel up properly...

"Alright then Obi-wan, teach me what to do," Dean grumbled. Cas gave him an annoyed look when he used the pop culture reference without teaching what it meant, but came to stand closer and explain.

"You've said before that you can feel it inside of you even now," Dean nodded, "Try to reach it, focus on the feeling and let it overtake you. I'm right here Dean, I'll stop you if something seems to go wrong."

Dean closed his eyes and shook his head a bit to clear it. This entire thing was ridiculous and making him nervous with worry. But if he could get those restraints off Cas and find a way to take the burden of responsibility off him too, then he'd try. It was his job to take care of them all.

He focused on the strange energy that he felt within himself. It'd been easy to get used to, he hardly noticed it anymore, but when he stopped for a moment and looked inward there it was. It felt like a snake wrapped around his bones, vibrating with power and clinging to him too tightly to move. If he focused on the feel of it, he could feel it grow and begin to overwhelm him. It was just as it'd felt in Heaven when Zachariah had forcibly flared up his Grace, fanning the flames under his skin without him having to directly think of it. This time was different though, this was his decision, his choice to let the fire consume him. The way it flared to life and licked out across his skin began to feel more like electricity than fire, and when he opened his eyes to grab the cuff on Castiel, he felt...infinite and  _powerful_.

Cas's eyes were wide as he stared and seemed to flick between awe and terror at whatever he was seeing from Dean. His eyes tracked the movement as Dean lifted his hand and ran a finger over the metal of the cuff. With a tentative smile Dean grabbed each side and gave a slight chuckle that was more sigh than laugh. "So far so good, here goes.."

He let himself fully give way to the power inside of him, letting it flow through him freely, and concentrated on where his hands held the metal. He gave a quick tug to either side, and with no resistance the restraint separated into two pieces.

"Well that was...anti-climactic," Dean took hold of the other one, preparing to concentrate on getting it off as well. Cas flexed the free hand, rotating his wrist and looking much more relaxed. Though if he was relaxed because Dean hadn't exploded or because he was finally free of the cuffs, Dean couldn't tell. With another quick pull the other fell off.

"Grace is rarely as spectacular as you seem to think Dean. While yes, it can be dramatic, you'll remember that most of the times I have used it in your presence it has not been terribly showy. That could be my own preference however," Cas was giving one of his half smiles now and rubbed at where the skin on his wrists had been chaffed for weeks. "I believe you've seen how some of my other brothers use theirs, especially Gabriel, he has a fondness for...indulgence."

And then suddenly he was gone. Dean was alone in the snowy field, moving his head about wildly like a chicken.

"Thank you Dean, this feels so much better," Cas said from behind him. He jumped then whirled around to face the angel, "I apologize if I startled you. I needed to...stretch my wings a bit, if that's how the saying goes."

"You're going to go back to being a menace now, won't you?" Dean said, laughing at how easy Cas slipped back into his power. Weakness hadn't suited him, it was good to see the way his eyes lit up and shoulders straightened out.

"That all depends on how well behaved my student is," Cas stalked forward, full of terrible and wonderful promise, "Let's not waste time Dean. First lesson, flying," he said with a smile and just a tinge of amusement.  _This is going to be fun_ , he thought as he grabbed Dean and gave him a very hands on lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that chapter literally came from nowhere. I meant to write one extra scene, ended up being a chapter, so next time will be what I'd planned to write. This one had lots of happy/non-angst, so prepare yourselves for drama! #sorrynotsorry
> 
> Also, I don't know why I wrote two sex scenes so close together...seriously I don't. I'll call it inspiration, that sounds better than seual frustration, right? I'll lay off it for a while I swear


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also, I apologize in advance for the angst in this chapter, but personally I love angst. Plus what happened to Dean is kind of a parallel to real world problems, and I felt it deserved being dealt with realistically. Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Unbeta'd, let me know if anything is horribly wrong!!

Of all the fun things he'd done in his life it was learning to use and control Grace that sat right up there at the top. It bled out into every aspect of his life once he let it start, pranking Sam as often as possible, lazily making bacon cheeseburgers appear when he liked, and the Grace-orgasms with Cas were just... _wow_. After some trial and error they'd been able to share Grace together, wrapping up in each other completely. Dean thought it was ironic that a virgin angel with no people skills was reteaching him everything about intimacy, and he loved it more than anything. Damn angel was still holding out on him though, sex was still off limits due to 'Dean needing to be emotionally healed and ready' or something, but hopefully soon that could be rectified.

With a quick thought he 'flew' into the bathroom where Sam was just stepping out of the shower wrapped in a towel. Thank God it was more like teleporting and less like actual flying, or Dean would never have agreed to fly about. The second he appeared to the side of Sam he yelled 'Gotcha!' and fake-lunged at him. The girly scream and flailing he got in return was perfect, Sam clutched onto the shower curtain and continued screaming. With a smirk he left the room, appearing back in the kitchen where he'd left Bobby mid conversation.

"God DAMN IT DEAN!" Sam bellowed from the back of the cabin.

Dean laughed to himself as he picked up his mug of coffee and went to sit by Cas on the couch and awaited Sam's wrath. Bobby just rolled his eyes, poured a tumbler of whiskey and took his chair next to the couch. It'd taken quite a lot of the stuff lately to put up with the boys and their emotional problems.

"You don't think that maybe you could stop abusing your holy powers half-breed? Going to kill us all before our time," Bobby asked.

"Hey I said to stop calling me that! Do it again and I'll find a creative way to  _make_ you stop, might put your hat up out of reach" Dean with a smirk, no threat behind his tone.

At that moment Sam came stomping out into the living room, hair spiky with water, his angry expression far less intimidating than he would like. "Dean! That wasn't funny, you can't do that to me, I could have split my head on something if I'd fell!"

"O please Sammy, you were fine. But seriously though, you scream like a girl!" he threw a pillow over toward his brother's head. Childhood teasing had never grown out of them.

With an 'oh that's it' Sam stalked over and tried wrestling Dean off the couch. He didn't succeed in moving him very much though, the new strength Dean could call on made it a very one sided match. As Sam struggled Cas reached over and pinched Dean on the arm, startling him away from concentrating on using his Grace for a moment. That moment was all Sam needed though, and he lunged at Dean who fell wildly back, hand smacking into Cas's face on accident.

The blow triggered a nose bleed almost instantly, and the second Cas felt the warm drip Dean's head spun around, wide eyes honing in on the red.

 _O Lord, please no, I don't have the strength_ , Cas prayed in a panic. They'd so far avoided Cas bleeding since their return from heaven, Dean therefore hadn't been exposed to any angel blood. Cas tried not to think about the last time he  _had_  seen it...those dilated eyes and feral abandon. And during their sparing it was immediately apparent that the demonic powers they'd fused in with the Grace had made him stronger than an angel. It took almost nothing for him to have Cas on his back and a blade to his neck.

Cas watched as Dean's eyes dilated quickly, then just as fast returned to normal as he turned to Sam, yelling at him to get off.

With a blink and burst of Grace he stopped the bleeding and cleaned the blood off his vessel, standing and retreating to the kitchen while Dean busied himself fighting with Sam. He leaned against the sink, staring down into the water filled mugs, and took deep breaths.

That had been far too close of a call for Castiel's comfort. True, nothing had actually happened, Dean had been able to redirect himself, but it could have gone wrong quickly. As much as Cas could get Dean to talk about what had happened and how he was feeling now, this had been a subject he couldn't get out of him. He'd worried that Dean would begin craving, and that dangling what he wanted in front of him was one of his worst ideas yet. Every time he had stumbled into something when he was weakened or Dean bit into him at night, he was filled with instant terror that something would go wrong, that skin would break and the calm they'd built would come crashing down.

His panic may have escaped Sam who was still busy whining, but Bobby seemingly saw everything and came over to lean on the counter next to Cas. "Mind telling me why the dishes are suddenly so interesting?"

Castiel had always appreciated how Bobby could get to the point without throwing it in your face the way Sam or Dean did. He was unassuming and let you tell him how things were, but he'd never let you hide things. With a sigh Cas turned to face him, keeping his back to the Winchesters that were now watching a tv program.

"You remember what I told you they were feeding him up in Heaven, right?" he asked quietly, not wanting the other two to overhear. Bobby nodded that he remembered. "Then you understand the delicate situation we're in with me being here."

"I haven't seen it bein' much of an issue yet, not counting that look he gave you a second ago. He's not acted like Sam did with demon blood, figured we got a lucky break for once."

"I agree, things have been ok so far. I am just...worried that continuing to put him in a position of resisting temptation may be a bad decision." Cas said sadly.

"Well if you even try to suggest that you're going to leave to protect him I'll drag your feathery ass back to my house and lock you in the basement. Leaving would only give him a  _reason_  to lose control." And this was another thing Cas appreciated about Bobby. He had no way of enforcing half of his threats, but you always felt like giving in to them. And he was usually right.

"Then what would you suggest we do? I can't defend myself against him if I needed to, and there's no way to ensure that an accident doesn't happen, especially with his new found strength."

"Isn't it obvious? You do what Dean loves best, talk about the problem and how he feels about it," he clapped a hand on Cas's shoulder, "You have fun with that." Bobby smirked and stalked off. He wasn't the one who would have to try and drag Dean's feelings out kicking and screaming or he wouldn't be amused by it.

Cas grimaced and turned back to the sink, looking out through the window at the snow banks. Dean had certainly been open about other topics since they returned. His anxiety and fear was receding, and he'd made no attempt to hide that from Cas. But this...this was something they had not mentioned to each other. Discussing feelings that he could change was one thing, but discussing a weakness that could leave Cas drained or dead was taboo between them.

But Bobby was right. It had to be done, and the sooner the better.

Trusting that Bobby could placate Sam for as long as needed Cas walked back over to the couch and placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, flying them farther into the mountains to an abandoned hunting cabin.

* * *

The sudden transport was a jolt for Dean. Not that he wasn't used to Cas taking them to random places, they'd found it was easier to commandeer an unused house or hotel room when they needed some alone time. But this was not one of those moments when he wanted to be alone with the angel.

"Woah Cas, gotta warn me before doing that, you're going to give me a heart attack one day." He steadied himself on the back of a couch and looked around the dusty room. Cas looked ready to sink into the floor, his face remained neutral but the tightness around his eyes and the anxious way he watched every move Dean made spoke volumes. "I'm guessing this trip has nothing to do with getting some fun in."

"Dean you know why we're here. We need to talk-"

"Actually no, no we do not. And if you think you can keep me here to discuss feelings or something-"

" _Dean._  I saw, you know I did, and we are going to discuss it. Now sit." Cas pointed at the couch, trying to put as much angelic force into the commands as he could. He hated getting this way with Dean, but sometimes being stubborn back at him paid off.

Rolling his eyes Dean sulked over to sit on the couch, there was no fighting Cas when he got in a mood to have his way.

"Look Cas, it's under control ok? Nothing happened so let's just go back and-"

"No Dean." Cas took a spot at the other end of the couch. He was sitting stiffly like he always used to, closed off from Dean in his annoyance. "How long have you been struggling with this without telling me?"

Dean sighed, debating if it'd be worth it to fly off and hide until Cas gave this up. Remembering what Sam had said about what happened last time he disappeared made him decide not to though, it'd be less painful to just be honest than make Castiel lose his mind with worry.

"Since we got back. But it's really not a big deal Cas. I want it but I don't  _need_  it. Earlier was just because it was right there in front of me...and I controlled it didn't I?!" He ended up yelling the last part in his frustration.

"What do you mean you want it? How did you control it? Dean this is something I have no experience with,  _please_  help me understand," Cas pleaded, scooting down the couch to grip Dean's arm.

Cas's move toward Dean softened him up a bit, the tension faded a touch, "I just...I know it's right there, under your skin, hot and sweet and- God it was so good Cas. Before they started giving it to me I swear I was going to go mad with the anxiety. Locked in that cell, weak, and alone. All they kept doing to me and forcing me to do. But when they turned on that tap my whole world focused, all the pain and shame and hurt just went away the second I got a taste. I was strong, in control, and just...it felt like pure power."

Dean had his head buried in his hands, revolted at himself for telling Cas,  _his angel_ , about this blood lust. But they hadn't hidden anything yet, no use in continuing to try, and getting it out did feel good.

"Cas you...you've gotta understand that it's not like with Sam. I'm not an addict, I don't need it, and I don't want it. I can be right here next to you and never even think of it. It's just...sometimes I remember how it felt and starting  _wanting_. It's been worse now that I'm using this fucking Grace, amps up the desire, but I'm still rational Cas. You know I'd never hurt you."

He reached over and grabbed Cas in a tight hug, holding the angel to him, more to reassure himself than anything. Cas was still a bit stiff, but he relaxed as Dean tried to convey all his meaning into the touch.

"I believe you Dean." He swore there had never been a more perfect sentence out of an angel's mouth and with a rush all of the worry vanished. Not for the first or last time he cried in Castiel's arms. He was safe here, never judged, and loved so unconditionally even when he didn't deserve it.

When he'd gotten out the tears, Cas pulled him back to curl up together. Their feet hung off the end of the couch and Dean brought out his wings with a huff. He'd taken to doing that when he needed to get rid of Grace, it took a large amount to keep them physical, and Cas seemed to like getting to run his fingers through the feathers. He'd hated them back in Heaven and for a while after they'd returned, a reminder of just how twisted he now was. But just like he'd reassured Cas all those months ago, the angel praised them and enjoyed getting to see this side of him.

They stayed like that for hours, holding to each other, playing with feathers, and napping a bit. Cas told him over and over how strong he was, how much he loved him, and how nothing he or anyone else did would change that. And for the first time Dean replied back with "I love you", and the angel's own wings bursting forth when he crashed forward with a kiss.

* * *

It was getting on towards 8 o clock when they returned to the hideaway cabin. Lights were off and Dean stumbled in the dark trying to find the light switches. Cas flicked them on with a bit of Grace, his instinct for using it faster than Dean's.

The living room was a wreck. The couch had been overturned, a crack ran through the front of the TV, there were small splashes of blood leading towards the bathroom. It was eerily silent as they stood in shock, taking it all in. The blood wasn't too fresh, already drying into the wood, and not enough to have been from a life threatening wound. From Dean's room his cell phone began ringing with Sam's ringtone, blasting "Bad to the Bone" from where it had been plugged in.

"Cas.' Dean growled out, stalking toward his room to grab the phone. His one word held all the communication they needed, Cas would scout out the cabin while he went to find out what had happened from Sam. With a quick fly about Cas determined they were alone and that the Impala was gone from out front. He joined Dean in their room and began helping pack up clothes in duffles quickly while Dean talked.

"Yea Sam, we're good. What hap-...Ok yea, but...Harlem is shaking? Ok got it, we'll meet you there. Just keep driving." He hung up the phone and remained frozen, staring at the bed with a hunted expression.

"Dean? What's going on? Why are you talking about Harlem, I don't understand...is that a reference?" Cas came over and put a hand on the small of Dean's back.

"It's a code for one of our hiding spots, in case someone's listening. Sam said he'd explain when we get there, but they're ok. I guess Heaven's finally caught up with us..." he trailed off. They'd been able to fool themselves into ignoring Zachariah and his grand plan for his personalized weapon, but had known he'd come knocking sooner or later.

Cas nodded. He knew this was exactly what Dean had been afraid of, and was trying to shove out of his head. But he also knew he was strong enough to face it, especially now that they were on the same page again. "Let's finish packing up then go quickly Dean, we don't know if they'll come back here."

"Yea, we need to get moving. The flying's going to come in handy once again, huh?" Dean turned to him with sad smile.

They stuffed a few more shirts into the bag then stood back and held each other's hands, taking a moment to just be. With a squeeze of his hand Dean signaled that it was time, and he flew them to the new hiding spot in Maine. They had hours before Bobby and Sam would arrive, so they set about putting wards up in the silence, keeping to their own thoughts before curling up in the bed and holding to each other, awaiting the wave that was crashing over them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter, but there was no good way to include the next bit without it being crazy long. So enjoy getting a bit so soon and stay tuned for more to come!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly less angsty chapter...but it's Dean Fucking Winchester and that boy is angst wrapped around sarcasm and dipped in porn!

Dean had forgotten just how far it was from Montana to Maine. It would have been easier for him or Cas to go pick up the Impala and the two inside her, but that would mean giving away locations, and who knew what was listening in now. Even with the good head start they'd had it took Sam and Bobby another 24 hours to arrive. In the wait time Dean busied himself checking around the house that had been kept by various hunters, making sure fresh salt was laid, water was working, and then gave way to pacing. Cas made a food run then added a few more angel wards, including the ones that made himself and Dean unaffected, before sitting and watching Dean walk from one end of the room to the other.

Finally the rumble of the Impala came up the secluded drive. Dean rushed to get out the door, but was beaten by Cas who had mojo'd his way out. Sam was getting out and holding an arm at an awkward angle while Bobby slammed his door, giving disapproving looks to everyone.

"Sam, you ok?" Dean stalked over, glancing around for any followers, then grabbed Sam's uninjured arm and started hauling him inside. "Cas help Bobby get things in, no idea how much time we'll have."

"Not much I'd guess...ah...we're wired for Heaven now, they'll know where we are," Sam said wincing when he jostled his arm into the door frame.

Dean got him situated on a chair by the kitchen table and went back to help the other two, but Cas had already brought everything in with a touch, including Bobby. "Well that was fast. Thanks Cas."

"If it's true that we have little time, then it's best to speed things along," he responded coolly, then went and began pulling Sam's sleeve up, "Now please tell us what happened earl-" He stopped mid-sentence, a remarkable feat for an angel to be stunned, and stared at Sam's arm. Dean came around to look and stood gawking as well.

"There's half our trouble," Bobby said behind them, "Damn angels put a tracker on him, and I don't think you're goin' to be able to shake this one."

Sam's forearm had a nasty burn mark on it the size of an apple, inside the burn were deep black lines forming an Enochian sigil. The skin had stopped bleeding, but was an angry red and swollen. Castiel sighed and brushed a finger to Sam's upper arm, dulling the nerves. It was the most he could do.

"Well come on Cas, either get him healed or show me how to."

"Dean I can't. And I truly do mean  _can't_. They burned this mark in with holy oil, there's nothing I can do. It would take an angel far more powerful than me to fix this," Cas went and got the first aid kit, kneeling to wrap the offending wound out of sight with sterile gauze.

"Then like I said, teach me! We can't just leave that on him, they can't just turn every last one of us into their own personal puppets!" Dean yelled. Any pain to Sam was pain to Dean, always had been, but this was personal. This was using what Dean feared most and turning it against his little brother. But Cas's reassurance came through once more, bringing him down from the anxiety and anger with a hand placed at his hip. Those blue eyes looked up at him from where the angel knelt on the floor, and washed away all the fire.

"Maybe one day Dean, but it will heal on it's own this time. We can discuss this later." He got up and took a chair at the table. "For now, please tell us what happened."

They gathered around the table and Bobby got them all beers from the cooler as Sam shared. Considering the state his arm was in, he seemed remarkably composed about the entire ordeal.

"It happened maybe 30 minutes after you guys had left. Lot of wind whipping around the house and sudden lightening storm. We thought for a minute that maybe you two were causing it. They used a tree to knock in the door, couldn't come in though with all our warding up. And yea, it was Zachariah, he had two lackeys with him too. They said we could either let them tear down the house to get to us or take down the wards, figured it was worth saving the house since they'd get their way in the end."

"Well I'm glad you considered the property value Sam. Now get to it, what did he want?"

"He wanted to get a message to you, dumbass," Bobby spoke up, "Said something about not wanting to come around with you two there, so we should pass this along. I guess they're ready to take you back now, and are going to be comin' to collect."

"You're saying that they waited until I wasn't there to protect you? Cas we never shoulda-"

Sam cut him off, "No Dean, don't go down that path. You would have left eventually for something, don't beat yourself up over it. It was  _them_  who are the ones fucking everything up."

"How the hell'd they even find us anyway. Thought Balthazar made you angel proof, or does it not work on angels?" Dean turned to Cas, pushing down his self-blame for Sam's sake. Cas looked just as confused as he felt though.

"Said it was all the Grace you were putting off. Had a way to track it or something," said Sam as he flipped his hair back into place, hoping Dean wouldn't flip out.

And just like that the self-blame doubled and Dean was speechless. It had been his fault that Zachariah had found them, his fault Sammy was now burned for Heaven, and his fault they could be found at any moment. His mind ran fast, panic rising, but before he could fully sink into a panic attack Cas put a strong hand on his knee under the table. He looked into those blue eyes for the millionth time and clung to the salvation and hope they promised.

"Dean." The name conveyed an order to calm down and a promise to talk more later. Castiel was always the logical of the group, and he could help Dean wade through his emotions and self-loathing better than anyone or anything else.

"Look, we need to get a plan together. And don't even suggest splitting up, cause I know you will. They'd just find you some other way, best to bring them to us where we can prepare. Now let's brainstorm," Sam pulled out his laptop for note taking, "What kind of ideas could we use to hold them off, anything at all, even if it's stupid.

* * *

For as freaked out as everyone was the brainstorming session went well. They had the usual ideas of adding extra wards, setting a trap, and discussed trying to call in Blathazar to help. That idea was thrown out though, he'd helped enough and was never one to get too involved. Fortunately, Dean had some rather creative ideas once they'd worked through way through the beers and half of the whiskey Bobby had brought. The list of supplies was made and they planned the 'shopping' trip around the world for the next day.

Unlike the cabin this house had two levels, with bedrooms on each. Dean had already claimed the large one on the first floor for him and Cas, and thankfully no one contested it when they turned in to get some rest. Not that anyone would be resting much, he saw the way Sam clung to his laptop with his bandaged arm and that Bobby carried a stack of books with him. They'd be awake well into the night, but were giving Dean his privacy. Before he would never have gotten away with them giving him space, but Cas's presence was enough to reassure them that Dean would be taken care of.

When he came to bed Cas was already there sprawled out staring at the ceiling. He glanced over when Dean came in, but made no other move.

"So..." he started, watching Dean awkwardly balance to get his socks off followed by his jeans. He wasn't sure where to start with Dean, who was crawling in next to him, but he did know that he disapproved of the t-shirt and boxers that were left on. He snapped and they were gone. The bitch face he got rivaled Sam's, but didn't make him feel at all repentant. Cas didn't like barriers between them.

"Can we just not talk about this Cas? Please? I just want to sleep and make sure we're ready." Dean said burrowing down.

"I can agree to that. But we  _will_  discuss this later Dean."

Dean shoved at Cas with a bit of Grace, throwing the angel off the bed in a rather ungraceful yelping heap on the floor.

"Oops, didn't know my own strength," Dean snickered. He started outright laughing when Cas's head popped up over the bed with fire in his eyes and hair all askew.

"You would do well to respect me. I may be weaker than you now but I am still an angel, do not get on my nerves or I may have to punish you." Cas crawled back up on the bed, turning his back to Dean.

"Oh? And how would you do that?"

"I believe human females in this case would withhold certain favors to display their displeasure." Cas threatened.

Dean began laughing again at the idea of Cas giving him the cold shoulder. "And so it came to pass that Castiel, angel of Thursdays and poetry, did declare that he would cockblock his mighty lover in a display of his awesome power. So it shall be written in the gospel of Led Zeppelin."

Cas pretended to not be impressed with his humor, but gave in to the laughter, he could never stay upset with Dean for long. He turned over to snuggle into his spot on Dean's chest, listening to the last rumbles of laughter.

"Try and sleep Dean, we have much to do tomorrow," he whispered as he nuzzled.

"Don't have to tell me twice." Dean's breathing was already slowing. Having Sam and Bobby back safe under his watch allowing him to finally relax.

"I love you," Cas whispered, barely audible.

"Mm? Mm love you...too," Dean mumbled out, sleep was taking him quickly. But he pulled his angel a little closer, and brushed lips over the top of his head before allowing himself to slip into sleep.

Cas stayed awake most of the night, clinging onto Dean and letting the sound of his heartbeat lull him into a peaceful state. There had been a time when he would have been on alert with the news of angels coming for them, but his time with these humans had taught him to take things as they came. There was nothing more to be done for the moment, so instead he enjoyed the closeness they had, tricking his mind into forgetting their problems for just the few stolen hours.

* * *

They all rose with the light, fixing coffee and going over lists of supplies once more as they woke up. Cas had the farthest trip to make, getting plenty of holy oil from Israel, but it wouldn't take him longer than a few minutes. Dean made him promise to spend as little time outside of their protected house as possible.

Bobby was on research duty, having spent far too much time driving to get them here. Sam and Dean had a long list of ammo they were going to need, as well as a few new items for the ideas they'd come up with.

Hours later they were gathered back in the living room, getting weapons prepared. The most optimistic weapon they'd devised against the angels was a holy oil flamethrower of Dean's design. Over-sized super soakers full of holy oil to be sent through a lighter. When he'd suggested it everyone had sat in silence looking at him as though he'd grown two heads, but after some discussion the genius was seen.

Dean had moments of creative genius. Occasionally.

Castiel had been uncomfortable with the idea at first, but when he recalled what he'd seen Zachariah do to Dean his resolve returned. However, he had insisted that they only use their weapons as self-defense. He still hoped that they could talk this through somehow.

The banishing sigils they put up were far more tricky, and of course, were also a last resort weapon. They had no idea if they would affect Dean, and didn't want to try it out for fear of weakening him. Then they came to the issue of who would put up the blood.

"I believe it would be best for me to be the one providing blood for this. That way if it's activated I won't be banished," Cas argued.

"Cas we have had this discussion," Dean hissed back, trying not to look under control for Sam and Bobby, "I don't want your blood anywhere, especially not if I'm going to be fighting alongside you. You know what could happen." His voiced lowered at the end, letting only Cas hear.

"Dean, you should let him do it. Every second we have Cas with us counts! I know you're technically stronger than him now, but he's got...I don't know, more finesse?"

"Shut up Sammy! This is not your decision!' Dean didn't turn his glare away from Cas as he yelled.

Sam threw his hands in the air. This was the third time they'd had this argument that day, and each time Dean became less and less agreeable.

"Your brother has a very good point Dean, you would do well to listen to us. You controlled yourself the last time, there shouldn't be any problems-"

"Last time was a small nose bleed Cas! You didn't have your veins open and blood smeared all over the walls!" Dean stormed out, letting the screen door slam behind him.

" _Sigh_...just give him a bit to cool down Cas and we'll try again. We're right, it'll need to be you so we can keep you around. And he should get used to it for his own well being anyways. No telling how intense any fighting will get."

"I agree. I just don't like forcing it on him, he needs to get to this conclusion on his own."

Sam ran a hand over his eyes, "You know there's a difference between forcing something damaging on him and doing something for his own good, right?"

"Yes, but..." Cas sat on the couch, pulling his coat snugly around his waist, "I don't want to hurt him. I know we've hidden it well from you, but your brother has been through a lot of emotional torment. Even if angel blood makes him as confident and powerful as Michael himself, he's too afraid of it to even consider this. I think it reminds him of the mindset he had in Hell."

"And I get that Cas, I really do. But if he won't even let you do this then how is he going to-"

"Stop." Castiel gave a glare through his eyelashes up at Sam, "We agreed not to discuss this if he seemed opposed. And I believe he would be very opposed if this is his reaction to something more innocuous."

"Innocu...Cas you're a genius!" Sam leaned down to awkwardly hug Cas around the shoulders, "That's how we're going to do this!"

"I'm not following." Cas deadpanned.

"We just have to get him used to it, but in a safe way. I think it's more his confidence in himself that's lacking and not an actual problem like I had." Cas was still squinting at him. "We introduce him to it, let him process the fear and see that nothing happens, then he can get on with things."

Cas had to hand it to Sam, it was a good idea. Dean's self-control was far greater than he gave himself credit for, so yes, most likely the issue was fear of himself and not the fear of addiction. Also, they needed to resolve this quickly if their hidden weapon was to work...but Dean could find that out later.

With a curt nod Cas got up, grabbed a knife, and went towards one of the walls. The sting of the blade slicing into the soft skin of his vessels forearm was enough to make him wince. He began forming the sigil needed, then moved to a small table next to the couch and placed one on top of it. He spoke as he worked, "I will finish doing this and then leave. You'll need to get Dean to come in here quickly before he notices, and once he's calmed down pray for me." He moved about the rooms, adding sigils as he went.

The last he made was on the wall of the bedroom he shared with Dean. They needed to be able to react no matter where they were when Zachariah and his host came, but it still made him uneasy to cover every room with blood. There would be nowhere for Dean to hide once he returned. He went back to join with Sam, Bobby had come in, and nodded to them both.

"Cas? What happens if we can't calm him down. I mean...what if it goes wrong?" Sam asked, not meeting the angels eye.

"Then you leave the house and never judge him for what he does. I've seen when that control is lost Sam, and it isn't something either of you need to be privy to." With a last look around the room he flew off, picking a secluded spot several miles away to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to leave off here and pick up with Dean coming back next time. I don't want to make it too long, so that's why I'm splitting it up like this. Stay tuned for more soon!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for more angst! Even so I liked this chapter a lot...and I don't know why. Next chapter will be angst-free and fluffy I promise. It's high time something good/cute happens. With that in mind, I will keep this chapter short. It's jammed full though, so don't let the length fool you! No future plans for having an angst-fest like this; so don't hate me too much!

It only took half of a second for Dean to fly into the living room. The 'Get here immediately. Need your help fast.' text he'd received from Sam kicked his protective side into overdrive, and without thinking he left the deep woods he'd been sulking in for the cabin.

It took another half second for the smell of Castiel's blood to register.

With a strangled cry he sank to his knees, hands gripping into the fabric of his jeans until the knuckles turned white. His face was scrunched up in what looked like pain, even if his mouth opened in a silent moan. God it'd hit him like a train, no time to prepare or hide. The need was terribly acute, not like an alcoholic dropped into the middle of an ocean of wine, but the  _desire_  was still so intense. And the desire he could live with, that was just a second thought to the memories that came flooding in. He hadn't expected this reaction. The desire yes, but not bright bold vivid reminders popping up in his mind faster than he could process.

"Dean! Stay with us, Dean, it's ok!" Sam was kneeling next to him, trying to comfort. Dean threw off the hand he placed on his shoulder.

He could smell it. He could taste it. He could see it and  _feel it._  All those months. That cell. He was right back there, trapped in a little room with cold floor, bound and humiliated and alone. He was so weak and hopeless, if they could just bring more of that blood he'd get out of here, he'd have the strength, but he didn't want it...had to fight it. It didn't even matter how many angels had died for them to collect enough to feed him, he just wanted more so he could get out.  _NO_  had to fight it. Didn't need it.

He was slipping, giving into the memories and feelings this time unlike when Cas was there to chase them away. Cas. Where was he, was he coming to save him? Did Zachariah have him?  _Did he see what Dean had done?_

Sam and Bobby knelt next to Dean, watching his face fall down a spiral of emotions. Fear, then pure terror, then disappointment and shame, then nothing. His eyes had gone unfocused but his body stayed tense and slightly trembling, the memories consuming him much more powerfully than they had anticipated.

"Bobby, hurry, bring him out of it! We need to get to him, Dean!" Sam shouted, holding his brother up on the floor and pulling Dean to lean against his chest. They'd prepared for the possibility that Dean would react poorly, had actually been sure it would happen, and hurried to uncloud his mind as best they could.

Dean groaned, closing his eyes against the concrete walls he saw, drawing himself in like he'd learned to do. All was quiet, all was cold, all was...what was that? The smell of strong lavender appeared, out of place in his Heavenly prison. There was nothing here that had smelled that way. What was this? Another bizarre form of torture from the angels? And what was that pressure on his back from?

He looked around searching, chasing the sensations to search for an answer. He heard distant sounds that became more distinct as he focused, almost like his name being called. But no. No one would be calling for him here, he was just a mutt, left until dragged out to be kicked some more. That lavender though...that was certainly something new.

It seemed to be coming from right in front of him, he raised his hand to look and ran into...Bobby?

As he focused on the old hunter he came back into their surroundings. He was on the floor, cradled against his brother, with a cloth held against his nose. Instinctively he tried to jerk away to breathe, first thought being that they were trying to knock him out with something. But Sam's arms held him tight.

"No Dean! Just stay still and breathe ok? We got you, you're safe."

"The fuck?" he mumbled into the cloth, the scent of lavender making him almost light headed it was so strong. The memories and blood lust momentarily forgotten.

"Dean focus! You're safe, ok? It's just the smell, there's no blood here for you, I promise," Sam was shaking him, keeping him grounded and focused.

But there was that white rabbit of fear again, running just beyond his focus and pulling him back down into nightmares. It was so easy to go chasing it without Cas distracting him. Another hard shake brought back his attention. "Cas? Where's..?" he tried to say, only the name really coming through.

"You think we're fool enough to give you a whiff of whiskey then leave the damn bottle right in front of you? He's gone while we sort this out." Bobby said, still holding the cloth to Dean's nose and mouth. Ah, that's where the lavender smell was coming from, blocking out the smell of blood entirely. It was easier now, the craving almost forgotten, but the emotions and memories stayed just hidden behind that lavender fence.

"Just breathe and listen Dean, ok?" Sam pleaded, loosening his grip a bit. "If we're going to be going up against the angels you need to be ready for this. Even if Cas isn't the one to get hurt, someone else is bound to! It's better to tackle the problem here where it's safe first. We need you thinking clearly later."

Dean grumbled in response. Did they even know what can of worms they'd just opened? This was a hell of a lot deeper than just getting used to something. This had emotions attached to it, powerful ones that he just didn't want to deal with yet. And  _certainly_  didn't want to deal with them without Cas there to hold his hand. And no that didn't make him a girl or a baby, it was just fact. He'd put off their talk the night before, maybe he should have just talked then instead of opening the way for his idiot brother to come in with guerrilla warfare.

They did have a point though. Even if an outright fight didn't happen, all it would take would be Zachariah opening up one of his angel's veins and this would have happened at a time they couldn't stop to deal with things. Worse still, if his Grace was flared when that happened he would never have been able to stop himself, the darkness in him would have taken over and given him no option but to lap up everything they gave. This could have happened when they needed him, when Cas couldn't be spared to console or control him, and that weakness would have left Sam and Bobby vulnerable.

 _Fine._  Dean took a moment to collect himself, pushing down the memories by focusing hard on the way his skin felt in the here and now. Warm, held safe by his brother with his surrogate-father watching his every move. He gave a short nod and they all relaxed a bit.

"Alright, now I'm going to let you control this," Bobby said, placing Dean's hand over the cloth, "Just start slow, and stay focused."

"And remember, Cas isn't here, you're not going to hurt him," Sam encouraged.

Dean took in another breath with the lavender scent at full strength, steeling himself. Couldn't they have picked something that wasn't so damn  _girly_? But he suspected Cas had a part in that. His mom had always used lavender lotion, and the smell followed her wherever she went. When she'd wake him in the morning it was the first thing he was aware of, and when she tucked him in at night it was always the last thing he remembered. It'd always been soothing to him because of that, and only Cas would have known that, having peeked into his memories long ago.

He pulled the cloth down a bit, enough to keep the lavender at the edges, but let in plenty of temptation. He could feel his mouth watering at the smell. Clean spring water, cinnamon, earthy soil, a sweet note of something floral and a tangy citrus; all rolled into one, somehow working together into the perfect combination. It was exactly what he smelled when he buried his face in Castiel's neck, only hundreds of times stronger. It was just as erotic as when they were together, but tinged with something deeper that  _pulled_  at him, made him want to tear into that smell and gorge himself in it.

But he could ignore it. He could  _choose_  to not let this drown him. Just focus on Sam, focus on Bobby.

He stayed like that for several minutes, getting used to how he felt, inspecting each feeling and rationalizing with himself. Sam kept rubbing his arm, telling him he was doing a good job, like he was a 5 year old that needed coaxing, but it helped. Slowly, he pulled his hand down further, now that he was expecting it he could anticipate the way smelling the blood made him feel, could push through it.

When his hand was finally withdrawn he let it fall into his lap, taking small breaths, and stared at the wood grain of the floorboards. He was holding steady, the desire and fear was manageable, becoming easier and easier with every second. The feelings were growing however, and threatened to break him. Remembering his captivity so vividly and suddenly had brought up so much that he thought he'd already worked through, but this time he was without his angel.

He met Bobby's eye in front of him, "Please can you get Cas? I need him," he begged.

Sam chimed in behind him, "No Dean, give it a few more minutes until we're sure, then we'll call-"

Bobby cut him off, "Sam. Call the angel, you said you'd be the one to let him know." The look he gave Dean was knowing, he could tell that there was no danger here, just that the man was in danger of losing his dignity if he couldn't break apart in peace. Sam sighed behind him, dropping his forehead onto the back of Dean's head.

"Cas? You can come back, we're alright." Before the sentence was even finished the angel was standing next to them, wide eyes looking only at Dean.

The sight of his angel was the last straw and tears started forming as Cas approached cautiously, not wanting to overwhelm him. But they were already in a room filled with the smell of his blood and he had healed the cut long before, there was no more danger. Dean gave a choked off sob when his hand cupped his face, and with one quick movement they'd pushed Sam out of the way and wrapped around each other, a set of black and a set of white wings shooting out to block everything out.

"Woah...Cas? Dean?" Sam scrambled back with a shocked expression. He was about to reach forward and touch one of the wings to get their attention when Bobby laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Let's give them some time. Come help me with...I don't know, we'll find something." Bobby led him away, giving them as much privacy as they could afford to piece things back together.

It was dark. It was warm. It was Dean.

They were sheltered under a tangle of their wings, Dean shook with sobs that he tried to unsuccessfully stifle every few seconds. Cas held him close, resting his chin on the top of Dean's head as he ran his hands up and down his back in soothing strokes. Sam and Bobby had left them to each other, and Cas was grateful that they'd respected where Dean's boundaries were. He needed to fall apart and pull back together, but doing that in front of them would be likely to cause more pain than help. Dean just needed his angel, and when it came to Castiel what Dean wanted he got.

Cas hadn't sensed anything alarming from Dean since he'd arrived. Waiting the 30 minutes while the other two broke down Dean's walls had been torture. Just standing around thinking and praying to his father that this was the right course of action. The smell of blood was still fairly strong in the air, though it was sure to be even stronger to Dean. It didn't seem as though Dean was reacting to it, Cas couldn't tell if the trembles were from effort holding himself back or emotion.

"Dean? Please talk to me. What are you thinking?" Cas whispered, giving a small squeeze around Dean's shoulders.

Dean gave another shudder as he held back a sob, then looked up with red rimmed eyes. Castiel couldn't help but think how beautiful he looked even when crying, the green in his eyes shone like glass and pink flush made his freckles stand out.

"It's ok Dean, you can let it out," he coaxed.

With a trembling lip Dean let it all pour out. The hunger, the fear, the shame. His self loathing had always been irrational, but this time Castiel could see where it came from, knew what prompted these feelings. But thankfully Dean was understanding that they had confronted him with it. He saw that this needed to be dealt with before battle, and was grateful that they had the sense to think it through when he had stubbornly shoved it all aside.

Cas showered him with kisses as he talked, small comforting presses along his forehead, temples, and the tops of his cheekbones. He listened to every worry, not contradicting any of it, just letting Dean get his thoughts out and reason with himself. As their Grace waned they dropped the wings, opening their protected cave into the room. With a thought Cas brought them to their room to sit on the bed. Dean continued talking, getting angry one second and then whispering the next.

Eventually he ran out of words and just sat looking into Cas's eyes. And where he left off, Cas picked up.

"Dean just remember what we've discussed in the past. You know that nothing could ever make me stop loving you. No matter what, you're the man I would disown the world for no questions asked. You've handled this so well Dean, I'm so proud of you." He have him another squeeze, pulling Dean's head in to nuzzle at his neck, "Everything you're feeling is ok Dean, you're allowed to feel. Just remember that all that happened was not your fault, it's in the past, and that I love you."

Dean nodded, beyond words and beyond caring how un-masculine it was to cry like this. He just let Cas hold him and whisper reassuring things to him.

They stayed like that for hours, Dean dozing off eventually, letting his body and mind recharge. Castiel kept watch over him and added dozens more angel kisses to the ones scattered over his nose and cheeks.

At some point Sam cracked open the door, assuming that was where they'd run off to. He gave a faint smile at the way his brother was curled up on Cas's chest, lips open and pouty from crying. Cas was awake and looking back at him, they shared a small nod, content in knowing their plan had worked and Dean was safe for the moment. Sam closed the door quietly, letting them have their time together and went to play poker with Bobby to pass the time.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, happy/fluff chapter that I promised! I was just accepted into graduate school in Japan, so I've been getting my happy excitement out with writing. YAY for being constructive!
> 
> Fluff is harder to write than angst..so sorry this took a little long to get out, I wanted it to be well written! Prepare for tooth-rotting sweetness...

Dean awoke to the smell of pancakes combined with the strong smell of Castiel. Both made his mouth water, but only the food made his stomach growl in response. He groaned, not wanting to leave the warm cocoon he was in wrapped around Cas but desperately needed to eat. He pulled tighter into the mess of limbs they'd formed, kneeing into Cas's thigh on accident.

"Ow...be careful Dean," Cas mumbled. He'd apparently let himself doze off into a light sleep.

"Ugh, I feel so gross. Seriously, could you not have undressed us even a little bit?" He was feeling the tacky pull of his clothes now as he came awake. They'd been sweating in their sleep, overheating under all their layers.

"You seemed happy and I was comfortably warm when I fell asleep, but I agree, this is not pleasant," he grumbled, snapping his fingers to clean them both off.

"Abusing your powers now Cas? What's gotten into you?" Dean gave a nip and kiss to Cas's neck as he hopped out of bed.

"I find myself not caring what the higher ups think, they've all shown disregard for what I love so I'm going to do what I want."

"Woah there, try and control yourself, don't want you being too much of a rebel," Dean said with a smirk from where he was fixing his hair in the mirror. It was a pointless action, his hair ended up pushed around after Cas used a tug of Grace to drag him back into the bed for some heated distraction.

They were cooling back down and had almost fallen back asleep when Sam's voice came booming through the house announcing breakfast. Dean once again hauled himself out of bed to fix his hair, pulling the angel along with him. If Sam was making breakfast he didn't want to miss it.

Bobby was drinking coffee and reading a newspaper when they came into the kitchen. Sam had his back to them at the stove, a pile of steaming pancakes stacked up next to him. Dean went to get them coffee, black for himself and lightly creamed for Cas.

"Thought you two were going to sleep all day," Bobby said, eying Dean over his paper.

"Funny thing about having shit you don't want to talk about unceremoniously shoved into your face, makes you tired and cranky." Dean came over and sat next to Cas. "But fortunately someone is good at smoothing that all over, right Cas?"

Castiel just sipped his coffee, staying out of their way and studying the table.

Sam came over with the pancakes and a plate of eggs, nervous smile in place, "You know why we did it Dean, and you were fine. Let's just eat and try to move past it."

"You don't have to tell me twice. And I'm fine, really. Getting it out was...I don't know, therapeutic or something. Now give me some of that... _Sam._ " Dean was glaring daggers at his brother.

Sam shrunk down, "Yea?"

"Where the hell is the bacon? You make breakfast so I'll forgive you then you  _don't have bacon_?"

"Seriously Dean?" Sam sighed. "The little store up the road didn't have any, so just eggs this time."

"I think you can manage princess," Bobby chimed in.

"Manage? What is wrong with the two of you? Breakfast is sacred, you can't just leave out the most important part!"

They continued arguing about the necessary parts of 'American' breakfast, and no one noticed when Cas slipped away. Dean did notice when he returned however, as he was bearing a plate full of bacon.

"Here. I believe that this should be enough to correct the situation." He set it down in front of them all, and then went back to drinking his coffee.

"Did you just use your angel mojo to get us bacon?" Dean asked. The three stared at Cas in wonder. He'd always loved his angel, but this was certainly the icing on the cake. Almost 'put a ring on it' worthy.

"Yes well, it's from the diner in Kentucky you said had 'heavenly' bacon. And don't worry, I was sure to compensate them."

Dean could hardly hold a straight face. "With what exactly? I don't remember you carrying around a wallet."

"They were having trouble with vampires this winter, so I gave them a large amount of garlic." Cas said in his usual monotone. The hunter's eyes got wider, Bobby choked on nothing trying to cover his laughter. Cas smirked a little.

"You're joking, aren't you?" Bobby asked, speaking for all of them.

"Yes of course Robert. I actually just healed the waitresses flu, nothing too exciting." He reached forward to grab a piece of bacon, munching on it contemplatively, "But apparently it was worth this food. Which is spectacular by the way."

They couldn't hold in their laughter anymore, just the thought of Cas showing up in a random diner, performing a miracle, and asking to be paid in bacon had Sam rolling off his chair to the floor and Dean unable to make sound.

Castiel seemed very pleased with himself throughout the rest of the day.

* * *

And a long day it was. They had no idea when Zachariah would show back up for Dean, he'd given no time frame, so they stayed close to the house and kept occupied. Sam and Bobby found a Civil War marathon to watch on the History channel, debating back and forth over their beers. Castiel tried to join in, but Sam was being very pushy about whether he had been present during this particular war. He left to go find Dean as soon as possible.

He found him in the garage under the hood of the Impala. He'd brought in a heater so he could comfortably work, and it had brought a flush of red into his cheeks.

"Hey Cas," those green eyes fixed on him, "You've come to the wrong place if you're looking for entertainment. Bet Sam's got something good on TV if you want to go watch." He turned back to unscrewing something in the engine.

"He's watching documentaries on the Civil War. I tried to watch, but he kept asking me about it. And it's not a war I would enjoy discussing. Brother against brother, hits a little too close to home." Cas hopped up onto the work bench to observe Dean.

He'd forgone the trench coat today, instead wearing an old t-shirt of Dean's from a Foreigner concert and one of Sam's sweatshirts. Cas watched while Dean tinkered around in the engine for a while, swinging his legs from his perch.

"Dean, what is it that you're doing?" His curiosity got the better of him.

"Changing the oil, figured she could use it and I've got the time now. Wanna come help me?" He brushed some sweat off his forehead, effectively smearing grease and oil on himself. It made him look more rugged rather than dirty, and Cas couldn't resist getting a little closer to that.

Cas hopped down and came to watch closely while Dean explained how he'd drained the old oil and was removing the dirty filter. Then he got the new one out and prepared it to go back into place.

Cas loved watching Dean work with his hands, grease smeared up almost to his elbows. There was something about seeing his man who held so much power, both implied and literal, doing something delicate and menial. Maybe it was just his feelings for the man, but he knew what those strong hands could do. They could roughly push him into a wall, gently cup his cheek, and firmly stroke his... _damn it_.

He'd gotten carried away watching and thinking. What had started out as wanting to learn had changed to shamelessly 'eye fucking', as Dean would call it. He shifted a bit, hoping the sweatpants he had on would hide his interest, but unfortunately they weren't as restricting as his dress pants and did nothing to hide the bit of an erection he was getting.

Dean had now begun filling up the car with new oil, pouring it in slowly. A little bit of it escaped the nozzle and slowly dripped down his hand in a thick glob. _Not helping._

Cas coughed a bit, trying to hide how flustered he was getting. But that drew Dean's attention more than staying still would have, and he knew what those slightly dilated pupils and blush meant. With an easy smile he gave a nudge with his elbow, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"I know that look," Dean grinned, leaning over to give Cas a quick but deep kiss, "Let me finish up then you can have your fun babe."

It didn't take him long to get the oil filled and screwed back together. Then with a burst of Grace, like Cas had recently taught him, cleaned himself off. Cas whined at that though, looking thoroughly disappointed, "But Dean I liked you all dirtied up."

"You're usually a bit of a clean freak, even give Sam a run for his money!"

"Well...I think I must buy into the feminine enjoyment of a good man stained up from hard work," Cas reached down to run his hand through the pan of used oil. Then with a completely straight face dragged his fingers through Dean's hair and over his jaw.

"O so that's how you're gonna play? Two can play at this game," Dean said with a devilish grin.

The ensuing wrestle match to get each other filthy with grease, oil, and dirt was a bizarre combination of overly powerful Grace bouts and fierce making out. They giggled and groaned, letting the past few days go and enjoying their time once again. Dean would feel guilty about it if he weren't so blown away by the head he was getting while pushed up onto the hood of his car. Whole world could burn from underneath him for all he cared as long as this never stopped.

* * *

As it would happen they had many days to sit about on edge waiting for the ball to drop. It was an odd feeling for the Winchesters, being trapped in one place waiting. They were so used to running headlong into the thick of trouble that sitting patiently was not in their blood. Bobby was able to entertain himself by taking calls from other hunters, doing what research he could from the books he'd brought and on Sam's computer. Sam tried to help for a bit, but they ended up snapping at each other. He ended up sitting with Dean watching TV, debating about the various shows and trying to relax.

Castiel was the calmest of the group. His centuries of practice with patience allowed him to distract himself easily. Staying close to the house he got his camera out again. Photography had gone by the wayside during all of the dramatics, and with nothing left but waiting it was a good time to start up again.

The winter had brought huge amounts of snow into the woods in Maine where the safe house was located. It was one of Castiel's favorite things, an he was pleased to find that snow was a common theme in the haiku's of his books. With his Grace he could push away the cold from himself, but generally chose not to, he loved the way the wind would bite at him. And coming in cold had its perks...Dean would draw him under blankets where they'd tangle up their legs, and once he'd even made him some hot chocolate.

For days the snow drifts around the house were his playground, the warmth of Dean his home, and with camera in hand he recorded it all.

He captured a rather intense snow ball fight between the Winchester boys, and the scowl Bobby gave them when he got caught in the middle. Snow had flown about and their laughs were what Cas imagined they'd sounded like as children. He recorded animal tracks in the snow, following them as far as he could. One particular rabbit allowed him to get close, and the picture seemed alive with the way it's nose had been working. There were several photos of Dean and Sam by the stove, making soup or grilled cheese for them all, steam curling around them. Even one of Bobby huddled over stacks of books with a mug of Irish Coffee, which Dean assured him had nothing to do with the source of the coffee beans.

But his favorite shot from those days was when he stumbled back upon his box of feathers, inspiration taking hold and kicking up his heart in excitement.

He flew back into the house with his box held firmly, appearing right in front of Dean who was watching a show with Sam. The two hunters startled at his appearance, instantly going on alert at how emotional he seemed.

"Cas? What's wrong, is it Zachariah?" Dean got up, reaching for the knife in his pocket.

"Dean I need to see your wings right now, it's important."

"We'll start looki-...wait what? Why?" Dean looked confused, and glanced at Sam who had the same dumbfounded look and had his gun halfway out the back of his jeans.

" _Dean._  Please, hurry up, I just had the best idea and I need you to get your wings out for it." Cas was too excited to hold himself back and bounced lightly on his feet. Dean didn't seem to get it, so he tried a pleading look like Sam used to get his way. That didn't seem to work either.

"Cas, what the hell. You can't just storm in here and...I don't know, show emotion and just...what the hell?"

Cas sighed, getting slightly annoyed now. "I'm excited Dean. Now will you help me or not?"

"I'll just...if you guys needs a minute to...yea I'll go," Sam snuck off, clearly not wanting to intrude on whatever was going on, be it good or bad.

Dean grabbed Cas by the arm, hauling him off towards their room. He didn't seem too upset, just confused, but Cas couldn't be sure. It wasn't like he'd asked an impossible request.

Once in the safety of their room Dean rounded on him, arms crossed, "So what's this about Cas, you're not usually this flustered."

"Well I just realized, you have wings now, and I have my collection, and I need a picture of one of your feathers," Cas said quickly, he'd let his excitement get the best of him, an odd but not unpleasant feeling.

Dean cracked a half smile that turned into a laugh as he pulled Cas forward for a hug and kiss. "Scared me half to death Cas, thought you were coming to tell us we were being attacked!"

"No Dean, if that were the case I would not have been excited."

"You looked terrified, not happy."

"Well..I was aiming for a good kind of anxious. I don't display feelings like this often, but I  _need_  that picture." Cas pulled away from Dean and gave quick expectant glances toward the space his wings would be.

"You are both the most patient and impatient thing I've ever seen Cas," Dean said chuckling softly, "Just give me a second."

Dean closed his eyes in concentration while Cas continued to behave in his interpretation of 'excited'. There was a small rustling sound the second before Dean's wings came to, fanning out in the room. Without wasting a moment to admire them as he usually did Cas reached forward and plucked off a large feather.

"Ow! Warn a guy next time!" Dean's wing pulled back in pain. He still seemed amused, though Cas wasn't looking at his face to see anymore. He'd retreated over towards the window where the winter morning light was coming in, feather held reverently before him.

The house was what Dean would call old fashioned. Built in the early 1900s from good solid wood, no upgrades or remodeling since. Hunters had sheltered here for generations, paying no attention to the cosmetic needs of the house. Castiel loved the slight disrepair that caused, especially on the windowsill of this bedroom. The paint had peeled up years ago, leaving a heavily grained board. And the way the morning sunlight came in it softened the rough textures.

He laid the feather out on the sill, careful to make sure the slightly blue tip was in the light properly, then began changing setting on his camera. Dean had come up behind him and put his chin on Castiel's shoulder to watch.

Cas got the settings right for the shallow depth of field he wanted then shrugged off Dean so he could bend down to the right level for the shot he wanted. He heard Dean flop down onto the bed behind him while he clicked away.

"We could probably spend eternity together and I'd never figure you out, right Cas?"

Snap,  _a little too dark_. "I am far simpler than you seem to think Dean." Snap,  _still too dark but better_. "But yes, you would struggle with it."

"Ok then let's start simple. What's your favorite food?"

"You know I don't require food Dean," Snap,  _perfect, now for the next one_.

"O come on Cas, you love the way it tastes, just humor me. What taste do you like?"

Cas had gone over to his picture box and was rummaging around in it, but he paused and looked up at Dean, thinking for a moment before answering, "Your skin after your release, particularly on your neck right under your jaw. It tastes like sweat and sin, but it's still so blindly pure and beautiful."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment before Cas went back to looking in his box. "See Cas, this is what I mean. I just wanted to know if you liked cheery pie or lo mein. Instead I get poetic ranting about how much you enjoy licking me."

Cas didn't respond to that, but had found what he was looking for and went back over to the window.

"Not that I don't enjoy hearing it, it is weirdly hot. It's just that...are you even listening to me?" Dean propped himself up on one elbow to get a good look at Cas. Who was apparently not listening. Dean huffed, but smiled, not really upset at Cas being too absorbed to pay him attention. He started to get up, "What's got you so focused over there Cas?"

"No!" Cas turned on Dean, flinging his arms out to keep him from seeing. "It's a surprise..."

"Ok ok, I'll wait. Is my help finished? I can leave you to it."

"Yes, I have all I needed from you, thank you." Cas turned back to his work, making sure to shield it from Dean's view. With a silent chuckle Dean fluttered back to his spot in front of the TV with Sam, they resumed their show, letting the angel work.

* * *

It was a little less than an hour later that Cas flitted into the living room, grabbing Sam by the shoulder. "I need your brother now." Then he immediately took them off upstairs into Sam's room.

With no time to prepare Sam seemed mildly shaken, but recovered quicker than Dean would have. "What's this about Cas?"

"You can print pictures with your printer, correct?"

"Well yea but it's not going to be great quality. Why, did you get some you wanted? Might be better to wait til we can actually leave to go to a store." Sam had gone to get his computer from the charger, holding his hand out for the memory card from Cas. That was one thing Castiel appreciated about the younger Winchester, he didn't get flustered and demand to know everything like Dean did. Though, that was also part of Dean's charm.

"I can just print them again later, but right now there are a few I would like. It's a surprise for Dean."

They sat on the edge of the bed while Sam uploaded all of the pictures. When Cas pointed out the three he wanted printed Sam chuckled a little. "More feather pictures? I thought you'd want those in good quality for your project."

"I will, but I want to show this one to Dean. It's his after all."

Sam's eyebrows shot up at that and he expanded one of the pictures Cas had taken earlier. The single feather was an odd combination of features, soft and downy at the base but the edges hardened into a strong line past the first inch. The creamy white clashed with a few streaks of brown and black, and the tip had a splash of deep blue. "So that's what you were talking about earlier. You know, I would have expected Dean's to look...I don't know, different? The other day when Bobby and I saw his wings for that second it didn't really register. Still kinda weird to have him all angel'd up."

"He's beginning to see the beauty in them, and I wanted to show him how I see it. But yes I agree, I doubt you would have expected his soul to manifest this way, however from my perspective it is a good representation."

Sam gave the same silent chuckle Dean always did, giving Cas an appraising look. "I've never said it, but you're good for him. I'm glad you two are...whatever you are."

"Thank you Sam. It means a lot to have your blessing on this."

Cas waited patiently while Sam printed out the pictures he wanted then went back downstairs to arrange them in his and Dean's room. He was glad that Sam approved of this relationship, though the opinion of others mattered less to him than it did to Dean. When it came to life decisions Dean rarely did anything that would upset the family, at least in his own mind, and having his brother back this up was important to him.

There was so much hurt in the man, not just from this current run in with the supernatural, but from years of a confusing family and love life. Castiel suspected that what he and Dean were building now was helping to chase away those scars, and getting everyone on board with it would help the rest that he couldn't heal.

Satisfied with the arrangement of the pictures he left to go join Sam and Dean in watching their show. He could surprise Dean soon, and had learned to enjoy the human emotion of anticipation. The war show they were watching did little to hold his interest. Though he was curious as to how people could war over storage, there seemed to be endless ways in which man would fight amongst themselves.

As it wrapped up he glanced nervously over at Dean. For as tense as the situation was waiting for Zachariah to show up the hunter seemed awfully relaxed. His smile came easy and he didn't seem to be forcing his emotions. "Come on Dean, I have something I want to show you." Cas grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him off the couch. With an apologetic look to Sam he followed.

"Ok Cas, so what's up? Been dragging people all over the house a lot today haven't you," Dean said once they got in the room.

"Yes well...Do you notice anything new?"

Dean gave him a once over, apparently assuming that Cas had changed something about himself. With a small smile and roll of his eyes he gestured around the room. Dean looked around, still confused, until he caught sight of the pictures.

Cas had put them up on the wall above the headboard; the picture of his feather on his side, the picture of Dean's on his, and in the middle was a picture of both together.

With a breathy laugh Dean clamored over onto the bed, kneeling on the pillow to get a good look at them. They weren't the best quality, which Castiel promised himself to correct as soon as they could, but he was no less proud of them. Especially the middle one, the feathers laid out on each other, black and white contrasting perfectly with the wood grain beneath.

"So that's why you were being all secretive! I love it Cas, where'd you get the idea?" Dean asked as he carefully studied the pictures. Cas climbed up behind him and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, head buried in the crook of his neck.

"It's a dichotomy, many artists use them in their work to explore topics. It was a theme idea in the book Sam had me read when I was first learning to use my camera. You take two pieces of a whole and show the similarities and differences. The idea is...beautiful, and older than art itself. I was there when God set pieces of the world separate like this. Air and sea, life and death, light and dark."

He gave a nuzzle into Dean's hairline.

"I have other examples that I've done a study like this on, you and Sam for instance, but I'd been wanting something of us. This gave me the perfect way to show how different we are but how perfectly one and similar we are as well. And show you just how beautiful you are despite what has happened." He punctuated his last sentence with a nip at Dean's ear.

Dean leaned back into him, arms wrapping around Cas's, and let his head drop back. "You know you're pretty sexy when you talk art Cas."

"Mmm like you know how I am when it comes to sex."

"Please, just because we haven't rounded every base doesn't mean I don't know how you-" Cas cut him off with another bite at his ear, and was rewarded with a small whimper.

"I'd like to. I know I've held out on this last thing, but I think I'm ready now Dean."

Dean's head whipped around at that and he stiffened. "Really? Like,  _now_  now?"

"Hmm...how about we wait until after you hand Zachariah's ass to him? Give you something to fight for," he smirked down at Dean's wide eyed eager look.

"Sounds like a plan to me. But in the mean time..." Dean relaxed back into Cas, rolling his hips back a little.

Cas gave a small gasp at the pressure and gave in to Dean's silent question. He really had been wanting to give everything over, and he didn't feel too bad at using sex as a reward to get Dean to fight for them.

They tumbled down onto the bed, awkwardly getting limbs caught and giggling. Who knew when Zachariah would arrive again? They could have hours or weeks to wait. And as far as ways to wait went, this was certainly Castiel's favorite.

* * *

**I have the picture Cas took below:**

** **

**Phew, finally! That was longer than I'd planned hah I'd had a busy last week with grad school stuff. Glad to finally get this posted and move on with the story! Get ready for some action next time :D**


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible at writing action so I'm just going to put this out there and hope no one is terribly upset. Also! I had initially decided to have Bobby die in this...but I changed by mind...so hopefully everyone's happy!
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for the feedback! Helps a ton to know that I'm going in a good direction with this:)

 

They may have had fun while they waited, but they always knew that sooner or later the peace would end. Preparations had been made, battle plans loosely coordinated, so for the 12 days they were given they made the most of it. Dean and Cas kept their Grace amounts high, ready to fight at any moment. Sam and Bobby went no where without bottles of holy oil and lighters, just in case. They were as prepared as they could get...and also a little bored.

Spring was just beginning to show some signs of arriving when Zachariah's legion came. The snow had stopped falling, the temperature was no longer below freezing, and the sun occasionally made itself known.

They were just settling down to play a board game at Castiel's insistence. He was very intrigued to learn all about Monopoly, and they had nothing else to occupy themselves with. Sam finished drying some of the mugs from their late breakfast while Bobby got things set up. Dean kept trying to explain the rules to Cas, and in typical fashion was getting flustered.

"No I'm serious Cas, if you land there you go straight to jail and you won't get money from 'Go'."

"But Dean, you just said we had to stay on the path, which would force you to pass 'Go' in order to reach jail."

"Yea, at all other times you stay on track, but this one thing is an exception." Dean explained.  _At least it's easier to explain than Battleship had been_ , he thought.  _That_  had been a disaster.

"Humans are always creating and finding loopholes, it is infuriating when trying to accomplish anything. I'm disappointed to see that you do this with your 'fun' games as well." His disapproving look with the air quotes he made were enough to send Sam into a fit of laughter as he came over.

He didn't make it to the table before the house darkened, or rather the outside light vanished which left the house dark. They all froze where they were for a few seconds. Bobby was the first to react. "Balls. I wanted to whoop your asses"

"Yea? Well stay alive and I'll hold you to a game," Dean said, getting up warily.

They reached for weapons and Cas hastily swept the board game off the table to make room for a new sigil. The others that had dried long ago would still work fortunately, but they'd left the table blank. Dried blood wasn't appetizing to eat off of.

Dean made a point to ignore the pull of want as Cas drew, focusing on the other two instead. "You guys ready? Now would be the time to grab something if you forgot it."

"We're ready Dean. It's your lead, we'll follow," Sam picked up his bottle of oil and caught the lighter Bobby threw over at him. Their plan was to let Dean do the talking, which was ironic as he was usually the least helpful in that department.

He stalked to the front door and threw it open, Zachariah was already waiting on the other side with a stupid smile on his face. The darkness was apparently from some type of bubble that had been placed around the area, blocking out the sunlight. Angels certainly always had a flare for the dramatic.

"Hello Dean, good to see you looking well. Now, let's do away with the silly chicken scratch and talk like mature adults."

"Not a chance dickbag. We can talk just fine like this."

"O please. I've had this conversation already with your Neanderthal brother, we  _will_  tear down the house around you, with you in it or not." Zachariah gave him a satisfied smirk.

"Ok fine, have it your way." Dean scratched off the edge to a symbol on the door. "Sammy, go get some of the others."

They'd planned for this to happen. There was no way the angels would agree to a discussion through the barrier they'd created, but every second spent observing from a safe distance was vital. The more they learned from watching them the better their chances. The moment the wards were down Zachariah deepened his smirk into a sneer, stepping into the house. Around 10 other angels all in black suits followed him in, crowding the front room of the house.

"Well glad the accounting department could make it, wouldn't want to start the fun without some holy pencil pushers." Dean quipped. Sam and Cas rolled their eyes from behind him.

"Ah, glad to see you haven't lost your usual charm Dean. It's been quiet in the halls without you screaming nonsense like that." Dean shut his mouth at that, both too angry and too scared to think of a good comeback. "And Castiel, it looks like you've figured a way out of your restraints. Did the little half-breed help you? It's a miracle he could even control himself," Zachariah glanced around the house, looking unimpressed, until he saw one of the sigil's Cas had drawn on the wall. "How exactly did you train him not to go feral with all this blood everywhere? New binding marks I assume?"

"He is far stronger than you gave him credit for Zachariah. There is no trickery involved here."

"Well then it looks like I'll need to bring the trainer along with our pet," he gave another deep sneer to Dean who was practically fuming.

"Fuck you you feathered monkey," Dean growled out. Two of the angels in the host stepped forward with murder in their eyes, but stopped with a glance from Zachariah. Sam stepped up closer behind him, ready to defend his brother's back at any moment.

"Now see, I just wanted to have some civilized conversation before we took you in, see if I couldn't get you to come peacefully. Of course, that never has been your style. Took a lot of tattooing and chains to get you to cooperate before." He turned to one of his angels and whispered something while maintaining eye contact with Dean. The angel nodded and produced a pair of Grace restraints.

"No! I will not allow you to bring harm on him again. He is my charge and you do not have surprise on your side this time." Cas stepped forward to put himself between the groups, but Bobby grabbed his arm, "Stay in formation son, don't want Dean thinking you're in one place when you're in another. Just wait, you'll get what's yours."

He pulled his arm free from Bobby's grip but stayed in place, sending angry and uneasy glances between Dean and Zachariah.

"So what the hell do you want with me now asshat? Seems to me you can't contain me or you would have done it already." Dean asked. He tried keeping his breathing normal, didn't want to let his anxiety show.

"We're not done with you Dean, never were. And don't you worry, we've been making improvements while you've been away. I think you'll enjoy exhausting yourself trying to get free of us this time," He smiled in his creepy way and began pacing back and forth between the two groups, "There's so much we didn't get to try with you. For instance, how fast can you regrow limbs or what exactly is the amount of blood you need to go Hercules? Plus we still have our end game, and if you're good and come quietly we'll even let you in on it."

"And what could that possibly be? Another apocalypse? Titanic 2?"

"Mmm no, much more ambitious. Your little angel over there proved that rebellion and free will are possible. It's becoming a problem up in Heaven. We weren't created to do what we please, that's what humans are for. No, we're the perfect servants. But recently everyone is trying to be the next 'Castiel'. Michael tried to put some fear into them but since a bunch of apes like you showed that he can be defied...well it's just not getting anywhere."

He stopped his pacing, turning to give Dean an intense stare. "But with you we have the perfect weapon. You get stronger the more you kill and drink, our perfect attack dog to keep everyone in check. It works perfectly, you get your favorite feathered snack, we get peace, everyone's happy."

"And you just think I'll sign up and join?! I don't know what kind of angel acid you're on but that is  _not_  happening!" Dean yelled. Anger wasn't a strong enough word to describe the emotion in him. He swore he could see red in the edges of his vision.

With a point from Zachariah two of his angels disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a startled looking Bobby held between them.

"You son of a bitch, let him go  _now!_ "

"I don't think so Dean. I need you to cooperate, and if you do then he'll be fine. Honestly, I don't know why you always have to be so difficult." Zachariah walked forward, hands behind his back, looking for all the world as though he was casually holding a business meeting instead of holding people hostage and threatening lives. "Here's how this is going to go Dean. You come with us  _nicely_  along with your pretty handler over there and the other two are free to go. You try and fight us, we'll call down some people who can  _make_  you comply."

"Bull. I'm stronger than anyone you have, you just said it yourself."

"You are, yes. But the other three are not." Zachariah turned and walked back towards his group. They hadn't moved an inch. "Take your pick Dean, but please don't take too long."

As though Dean needed a moment to choose between the two options. There was never any hesitation when it came to sacrificing himself for those he loved. It may cut deep to comply, and it may cause terror in Heaven, but there was no way in the entire universe that he would allow them to suffer because of him.

"You wanna tell me exactly how you'll keep them...Bobby?"

The old hunter was wildly shaking his head to get Dean's attention, the angels flanking him had his arms pinned. "Dean! Impala!"

Codeword. No time to think. Dean flew out to the garage. The moment he arrived there came a bright light through the windows from the house. Once it dissipated he flew back to the living room, now empty of angels except one.

"Little more warning next time?" He grumbled over at Cas who was standing with a hand pressed to the inside of his trench coat. Painting a sigil there had been his best idea, it was a perfect hiding place.

"We only have 20 minutes Dean, we can discuss that later, currently we need a new battle plan."

They gathered around Cas, nervously shifting on their feet. Sam started, "Ok Cas, tell us what you figured out."

"I didn't recognize any of the angels that were with Zachariah. They must all be new, little experience, probably acting under orders because they lack the knowledge to question authority, otherwise they may have controlling brands. In fact, I recognized no one in the complex he had. My best assumption is that this is a small sect that he has formed, no weight behind them."

"Ok great, so they're all new. Should make it easier. Any other ideas?"

"Well...Sam and I did have a backup plan. But I'm not sure we'll need it yet." Cas glanced at Sam then stared at the ground, firmly avoiding looking at Dean.

Dean knew the angel's tells. He was perfect at poker with anyone else, but Dean knew him better than anyone. This wasn't 'awkward unsocialized staring', this was 'I don't want to say it' avoidance.

Dean's eyes narrowed. "Sam. Cas. What's your backup plan that you conveniently forgot to tell us about?" he said with warning in his voice.

"Boys think this through first, you want to turn him off to it?" Bobby said.

"Oh glad to know you're on the committee too. So everyone just decided not to tell me something. Again!" He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

Sam sighed. "Dean, we didn't tell you because we've put you through a lot with it already. Figured if we didn't need to mention it then we didn't have to."

"Yea well we have  _10_   _angels_  that showed up. Pretty sure that just taking on one is hard enough. Spit it out, not like it's going to kill me to hear."

The three looked from one to the other, waiting for someone to man up and share. "Oh so it can kill me? Awesome. So glad you're all considerate."

"No it won't-" Sam started but Cas cut him off, "You need to drink my blood Dean."

Silence for three heartbeats.

"I'm sorry, come again? I need to  _what?!_ " Dean thundered.

"The restraints they had you in up in Heaven should have been enough to hold even an archangel, and you managed to break through them. We had hoped Zachariah would underestimate you again...but with 10 angels Dean, even inexperienced ones, there is no way we can hold them all off. Bobby and Sam will be easy targets for them as you just saw, we can't risk it," Cas reached over to place a hand on Dean's shoulder, but it was knocked away, "Dean please, we trust you, we know you can handle this."

Dean didn't respond. He just stared at the corner of the table he could see between Sam and Bobby. They all continued trying to convince him that this was necessary, that this would protect all of them, that they trusted him with something this terrible. But they didn't know, they couldn't possibly know. Having a flashback and anxiety attack from the smell was one thing, but actually giving in and swallowing it down?  _Why was it that hunters always insisted on poking around nuclear bombs as their only weapons?,_  Dean thought,  _You know, whatever, fuck it. They'll get their way somehow whether I like it or not. And they did have a point.._

"Fine," he conceded, "If you all are so bent on this then it's not like I have a choice. You'd probably tie me down and force feed it if I refuse."

"Dean we'd never do that, but I'm not gonna lie, we'd do our best to try and persuade you." Sam said with a rueful half smile.

Cas reached out again and grabbed him, steering him to sit on the couch with the angel towering over him. He pulled up one of his sleeves, exposing the crisscross of blue veins deep under the skin. His free hand went to Dean's head and ran fingers through his hair to grip and pull his gaze up. Dean's doubts about this were mirrored exactly in Cas's eyes, a good measure of pain mixed in with it. "I am sorry for this Dean, if there was any other way..." he paused and swallowed unnecessarily, a nervous motion he'd picked up from the boys, "I promise you that this will never happen again."

Dean gave a small nod, wallowing in his own misery for a few moments. Of all the stupid things they'd done, this had to be the most reckless. And honestly he should have seen it coming; but he had been tired of this game, tired of being suspicious, and had just focused on being happy for once. If this got Heaven off their tail finally and allowed them a moderate amount of peace, then so be it. Besides, he trusted these three, and if they were sure of this then he'd be strong and play his part.

"Bobby? Sam? Can you please not watch this?" They nodded with understanding, Bobby locking up his expression and Sam doing his best hunted baby seal look. They went into the kitchen behind where Dean sat.

Cas lowered his arm and with a whisper of a sound his angel blade dropped into his hand. He kept his eyes glued to Dean's as he brought it to the inside of his exposed arm and dragged it across. Dean shuddered the moment blood met air, hating himself and everyone else for the way he wanted it. But he truly was tired, bone weary in fact, of having Heaven or Hell or whoever push his life around. Get jacked up on angel steroids, get rid of Zachariah, get to loving Cas, it was an easy plan.

He surged forward, locked his lips on the cut, and all the world exploded. For all he knew he'd drank enough in Heaven to drain dozens of angels, but never had they let him drink from the source. And this was the man, or more correctly  _being_ , he loved. It made the taste and feeling so much more intoxicating than he'd remembered.

It was like salt water, dark chocolate, snow, and whiskey all rolled into one and it was drowning him. Waves of chills ran down his spine and he couldn't help the moans he made, couldn't even bother to be embarrassed about it. And that was just the first gulp.

Another mouthful and he was slipping further, the electric feeling of Grace snapping along his skin as he rolled his eyes up in rapture. He thought he heard a sob from somewhere, but maybe he just felt it, he wasn't sure. Over and over he swallowed, getting numb and buzzed, time failed to hold meaning, feeling his Grace swelling til he felt he might burst with it.

 _O God this is amazing,_  he thought,  _why have we not been doing this for weeks?_  He drank more.

And more.

And just like that the tap was pulled away. No no no no, where was that life line, he needed it. He scrambled for the source. Wanted to feel more, maybe if he just-

 _Smack_. Pain erupted on his jaw, but faded in an instant. Cas stood before him, determination in his eyes, fist raised from where he must have hit.

"Focus Dean, I know it must be hard, but you need to think."

 _O wow, those eyes are beautiful_ , he thought, rising up to move toward them. They were the exact same color as his wing tips, how had he never noticed that? Cas probably saw that first thing, saw how he was painted all over Dean's whole being, possessive bastard. Dean reached out, trying to get his arms worked around that gorgeous waist.

"Dean! Focus!" Sam shouted. Dean practically growled, turning to glare at his brother.  _Damn cockblocking son of- Wait what?_

Back in reality now Dean looked around bewildered. Had he just tried to make a move on Cas? In front of Sam and Bobby? Yes, yes he...O God and of course he was hard.  _This_  is uncomfortable.

"Dean are you ok? Are you back with us?" Sam asked, walking back into the living room, arms out like he was talking to a cornered animal. Which was a fairly good description of the situation.

"No yea I'm good. Awesome actually,  _God_  that's better than coffee!" Dean said, he could feel his blood humming pleasantly, energy bounding inside him. It was like his body had to move, so he began walking about the room trying to placate the urge to just  _do._

Sam slowly nodded, "Yea I bet," he looked mildly amused but mostly concerned. "Cas? How about you? He didn't drain you too much right?"

"Please don't worry about me Sam, I am fine. He would have to do much more than that to truly effect me." They all watched as Dean paced about muttering to himself, he kept clenching and relaxing his fists as he went.

"How much time til Zachariah and the gang can pony back up? Boy looks ready to pace a hole in the floor if we don't let him blow off steam," Bobby warily asked.

"Possibly 2 minutes, however I am not completely certain of that time frame," Cas said, coming over to stand closer to Sam and Bobby.

Dean rounded on them, wild confusion in his eyes, "What? We had 20 minutes, no way that's up yet!" He resumed pacing but kept his eye on the group.

"Yes and you spent a good 10 minutes of that drinking Dean," Cas looked concerned, "Did you lose track of time that much?" Dean stopped his pacing, scrunching up his brow. It had only seemed like a few minutes. This added a new level of horror to the entire ordeal, he'd  _drank_  Cas, liked it, and been so absorbed that he'd lost sense of reality that much.

Cas looked upwards suddenly, eyes seeing what was invisible to the rest of them. "They're gathering again and will be here soon. Hurry, we need to finish preparations before they arrive." He grabbed a bottle of holy oil from the side of the couch and began pouring it in circles. Bobby and Sam joined him, making sure that the angels would have to pay close attention to where they walked. Dean resumed his pacing, getting anxious but allowing his excitement to feed off of the feeling. It was time to put Zachariah in his place, and he was so incredibly ready.

The first three arrived without preamble, touching down in the room and regarding the humans with a look of mild disdain. Fortunately Cas had been correct when he assumed the followers were new, they barely put up a fight. Overestimating humans seemed to be a downfall of all the creatures they encountered.

Bobby lit one up with a stream of holy oil through his lighter, fire burning away at the vessel they were contained in. The screams were nothing special to Sam and Bobby, but the other two stumbled as they stalked forward, giving Sam an opening to light a ring on the floor, trapping one. The other was killed with a blade to the chest by Dean. Cas was crouched on the floor holding his ears while the first angel screamed.

Dean walked over calmly and stabbed the poor creature, ending its misery, though he seemed more concerned for Castiel's discomfort than the torture of the other angel. He went over to pull Cas up with a hand, "You good?"

"Yes. That was...far more intense than I had expected. I'm retracting my earlier agreement that this," he gestured at the improvised flamethrowers, "was a good idea. I think it would be best to not do that anymore if you want me to be of help."

"No problem," Sam said, dropping his water gun of oil as another two angels appeared, "Didn't really feel right anyways."

Those two were contained easily, inexperience making them easy prey to the traps littering the floor. As the next three arrived Dean came at them snarling, eyes glowing brightly with Grace as his rage began to overtake him. He dispatched two quickly, Sam lured the other so that Cas could sneak up and bury his blade in to the hilt.

A slow clap came from the other end of the room. There stood Zachariah, flanked by the remaining two angels in his squad. While they glared at the ragtag group he had a tight smile on his face.

"Gotta hand it to you boys, you certainly are good for entertainment." with a flick of his wrist Sam and Bobby went flying, slamming into the wall with a grunt, "But let's stop fooling around and get to it. That little trick with the sigil was clever, I'll give you that, however it really only succeeded in making me angry."

He gave a small nod to the angels beside him and they disappeared only to reappear on either side of Cas, two blades held to his throat. Cas gave a small jerk, testing their hold, and with a roll of his eyes relaxed. They weren't letting him go anywhere.

Dean bounced on the balls of his feet, angel blood still pounding through is veins and forcing him into action. He moved his eyes from Zachariah, to Cas, to Sam and Bobby, trying to watch them all at once. "Come on Zachariah, enough with this. Just take your god squad and leave us alone. We won't give you another chance to back out alive."

Zachariah watched him from narrowed amused eyes. "No Dean, I don't believe I'll be the one dying today." Sam gave a yelp as he and Bobby were pushed further into the wall, breathing becoming shallow from where their ribs couldn't expand enough. With a smirk Zachariah snapped his fingers and a second later a louder snap sounded.

Bobby's leg gave a twitch and then hung at an angle from mid-thigh as he let out a spine tingling scream. Sam yelled, Cas's eyes widened, Dean sprang into action.

" _NOO!_  You son of a bitch, you'll fucking pay for that!" Dean lunged letting the tempting darkness of the blood take over. He was powerful, he needed to protect, and most of all he needed that angel's head on a stake for what he had done.

He had been trained in all forms of combat from age 5. He could take on entire nests of vampires, could nearly bench press Sam, and with the Grace-blood combo he was hundreds of times stronger than he had been. But for all that power he lost the finesse once anger took over his actions. Zachariah was able to easily side step his lunge, having prepared for it, and slapped a pair of Grace restraints on Dean's wrists.

"See, this is exactly where you fail Dean. You work o so hard at never letting your emotions out, but the second you do," he dodged a normal strength punch, "You turn into a powerless child."

Dean stopped attacking, taking a moment to assess what had just happened. He could feel all of that Grace and power coursing through him, but could just barely reach it. The restraint and temptation was maddening, and it'd only been one minute so far.  _How did Cas stand this for so long?_  He turned to face Zachariah, glaring daggers at the dick angel.

"Do you understand now Dean? You don't have a choice in this. Come with us, or these three die. No fighting back now."

"I..." he started, trying to think of a way to react and win. But there was nothing. He couldn't fight this way, and if he kept trying then they would die. Bobby was already in God knows how much pain. Maybe it was best to just accept it.

"Don't you dare give in just because of us boy! We went into this knowing...ugh...the risks." Bobby yelled through gritted teeth.

"Keep your mouth shut old man. Or do you want two broken femurs?" Zachariah snapped.

"Dean." He turned at the urgency in Cas's voice and saw the fire in those blue eyes. He knew there was none of that left in his own, he was so close to defeat.

" _Fight_ " Cas shouted as he reared back and slammed his head into one of the angels holding him. His movement pulled his neck away from the blades and gave him the moment of surprise that he needed to free himself.

He watched Cas struggle with the two angels from near Zachariah, who was also watching, but with an amused air. "Come now Castiel, you know this is foolish." Cas got a hold of a wrist and slammed it with the blade it held into the chest of the angel holding it. "Fine have it your way." Zachariah began moving towards Cas as the angel got the better of his last opponent, using him as a shield with a blade pressed to the neck.

With Cas in danger Dean went into overdrive. His best friend, his boyfriend, his  _lover_  was in trouble. He needed Dean to save him, to protect him from all of the crap that Zachariah would do to him. Dean was nearly sick at the thought of what they would do to Cas if given the chance. But these restraints... _damn it!_

As Zachariah approached Cas it felt as though time slowed. He could see the fear and defiance in Castiel's eyes, blue flashing bright with emotion and nose snarling up. He held firm to the angel in front of him, keeping a block between him and Zachariah. Dean pulled at the cuffs on his wrists throwing everything he had into breaching them, he was so close to touching the Grace, so very close.

He focused, looking in and letting the fear and anxiety go as he reached for that bloody power he'd swallowed down. He wouldn't allow Castiel's gift and sacrifice to mean nothing, especially if he could use it to save the angel's life. There was nothing he hated more than relenting to the darkness, but there was also nothing he loved more than Cas, and for him he would give in.

With a scream that paralleled those he had given in Hell he forced the power outwards, wings unfolding as he ripped the first cuff off. Zachariah stopped dead in his tracks, turning to watch in horror as Dean then pulled the second off. His eyes had gone dark and where Cas's favorite feathers had been only black skin and scales remained. Massive wings with sharp points extended as he smiled, internally reveling in the feeling.

"Step away from my angel, or I swear it won't just be his blood all over this house," he stalked forward, feeling his Grace return in a crackle of power down his limbs. "Thought you could play God and get away with it douchebag? You know what they say about playing with fire, it usually comes back to burn ya."

He grabbed for Zachariah, overly strong arms yanking the angel back from Cas. He increased his grip, crushing into Zachariah's shoulder. Then with an instinctual move he had learned from Cas he looked into the angel's soul, seeing the Grace held within, and pulled. The Grace came shooting out for him, arching through the air into his open mouth as he yelled. As the angel collapsed from the sudden drain and shoved until Zachariah stumbled into the opposite wall. With a low grumble in his chest he went to indulge the need thrumming through his veins. He needed to see blood, needed to see fear in that horrible creatures eyes. All those months of torture, all of the terror and anxiety, it  _needed_  to be conveyed. But the calm hand that landed on his shoulder stopped him.

"Dean, you need to let go. I am unharmed, and it would do no one favors to dispatch him," Cas said with a soft voice and kind eyes. His words sunk into Dean like rain water, cooling the anger as they always could.

Cas stooped to pick up the cuffs from the floor and swiftly went to where Zachariah was huddled against the wall. Zachariah's startled eyes never left Dean as his own restraints were placed on him. He muttered something to Castiel who immediately punched him, knocking him unconscious. "He's  _perfect_  you ass."

At the confused smirk Dean was giving him Cas shrugged, "He said you were damaged. I think I made my point quite clearly." Cas walked by Dean on his way to help Bobby and Sam who had crumpled to the floor. He stopped for a second just beyond Dean, a lustful gleam in his eye as he smacked the man's ass, "Now let's get everyone cleaned up and fixed, I think I'm due some attention from you."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for their love and patience with this story. The last chapter will be #17!!
> 
> Without further ado, let's get back to the action! O and there will be porn. so. much. porn. (if for some reason you don't want to read the porn, just stop after the line break, there's only one in this chapter)

 

With Zachariah sufficiently contained for now they could begin investigating what had been happening in Heaven and try to manage the disaster zone that was their living room. And the three angels imprisoned in holy fire made for a good source of information. But first Castiel went to help Bobby.

There was only so much he could do at the moment, his Grace had been extended so much already. The fracture wouldn't be fully healed, but enough to walk on. With a brush of fingers to the forehead he cast his Grace into the bone, setting and healing as quickly as he could. The old hunter gave a grunt at the feeling and accepted Sam's hand to get up and into a chair. Dean was now pacing about like a caged lion, which was probably how he felt.

"Dean, try and calm yourself down. Get rid of the energy if you can", Cas advised.

"No idea how to do that right now. Nothing to hit or work it out on. Just need to keep moving for now."

Cas let it go, no sense trying to settle Dean if he didn't want to. Checking to see that Zachariah was still safely out and restrained he turned his attention to the three angels. "Are you all under orders, acting of your own choice, or have you been made to act?"

Two of them pushed up sleeves to show marks like the ones he'd seen on Balthazar and Dean. The other crossed his arms. "Castiel? Please, in the name of our father have mercy, we weren't able to resist this. He gave us these when we took vessels for the first time," one asked. The two who had been forced into service gave pitiful looks to Castiel, and his heart went out to them. This was a sham of what being an angel should be. Following orders was expected, but not in this way, and not orders like these.

"Sam, please allow these two out and help them get rid of those marks. They should be useful to get Zachariah taken care of. I have no intention of taking him back to Heaven myself."

"Yea no problem," Sam moved to go extinguish the flames trapping them and cut through the marks. "But as for you, there will be retribution. Who was involved with this plan and was what he said about the situation in Heaven true?" he asked, turning to face the last angel.

"I do not need to answer to a rebel like you. Zachariah was right to want you under control, you threaten the entire system. It's a disgrace that others are looking to you as an example" he sneered.

Dean almost immediately rounded on the angel, a slight snarl in his voice, "The hell are you saying about him?! He's the only one of you acting with any sense!"

The angel chuckled, seeming amused. "Ah yes, but I forgot, he only acts under orders from his human's, or whatever you are now, charge."

"Listen here you son of a bitch. Castiel answers to no one but God so far as I can tell. Not me, not Heaven, no one!" Dean yelled, getting up as close to the flames as he could. Small snaps of Grace ran down his arms as his anger fueled the power he was holding.

Castiel felt his love for Dean soar at the man's defense of him. They didn't often share praises between them, Dean wasn't one for many words of feeling, instead it was his actions that spoke for him. And his small speech of defense for Castiel said volumes about how he felt.

Cas put a hand on his shoulder, turning him around and giving him a kiss. Not a small one given lightly, but a 'sweep you off your feet just a hint of tongue' kiss. He held him there, pushing forward into the man he loved and drowning himself in the feeling. A few moments later he broke it off, though Dean chased after him wanting more. With a chuckle he pressed Dean back, knowing that human social conventions wouldn't allow much more than that publicly, Bobby and Sam were still present.

"I love you Dean, thank you for what you said." He turned to the two who were now rubbing absently at the places their binding marks had been, "Maybe you can tell us then, what is this all about?"

They shared an uneasy glance, then the leader of the two spoke, "It was only Zachariah who was in on it. The other leaders are too busy trying to restore order in their own garrisons to pay attention to everyone."

Just as Castiel had feared, total chaos with no one to make the decisions. "Is there anyone else trying to take command? Someone needs to discipline this group."

"I believe that Raphael has been forming a new sect, however, we weren't privy to very much outside of our compound."

Castiel's older brother wasn't the most stable to be leading, but someone had to, so he might as well. He had enough of a reputation to make the attempt work. "Ok then. I suggest you take these two to him, he should be fair and just in his judgement."

"Castiel you can't be thinking of staying here," one said. The other chimed in, "You must come back and lead, they would all listen to you. You have far more influence than he does." They proceeded to talk over each other trying to convince him to come back. But that was not happening.

"Enough! Just take them and go. My place is no longer in Heaven, I have chosen Earth as my home for the forseeable future, and do not want anyone else bothering us with their nonsense. Is that clear?"

At his small outburst they bowed their heads and stood reverently in front of Cas, awaiting orders from him. The trusting looks in their eyes made him uneasy, they had just been betrayed but already craved direction. Yet he understood, he'd been there himself, giving complete compliance to those more experienced than himself, feeling that need that was in all angels to obey.

He sighed and ran a hand over his eyes, another motion picked up from Dean. "Please just leave us in peace. This ordeal has been very trying."

"Of course Castiel, we will make sure they are held accountable," one said. The looks of adoration were beginning to get 'creepy', as Dean would say. But they meant well, and clearly would make sure his order was carried out.

By now Dean had gone to help Sam get Bobby up the stairs into his room, the old man wasn't going anywhere soon. A small snap from above announced when he used some of his Grace to clean the oil and blood from the house. Cas gave a small smile at how quickly he'd learned to use his Grace like that. Dean came back down and stood beside Cas, grasping his hand with a small relaxed smile. However he could still feel the energy radiating off of him. He must have been working very hard at containing himself.

Once more instructions were given they nodded their thanks to the two angels who left, the Zachariah loyalist held firmly between them and a hand on the culprit himself where he was slumped over. Castiel had never been so happy to see his brethren gone as he was then, with Dean's hand in his.

* * *

With a curt farewell to Sam who sputtered about their sudden departure Dean flew them off to one of the empty houses they had frequented when getting some privacy. Fortunately he had the mental capacity to get them into the bedroom. There was no time for ceremony now though, Dean  _had_  to have Castiel  _right the fuck now_.

After so much waiting and going crazy with desire they could finally take and give all that they wanted. And with Castiel's own blood still thundering through him there was no possibility of taking it slow. He shoved at Cas, throwing him against the wall and pressing flush against him, biting in at the curve of his neck. Just as quickly though his hair was gripped and pulled hard, forcing his face up. The feral look in Cas's eyes told him there would be no taking it slow for him either.

He felt hips rolling up into his, the beginnings of erections hardening at the feeling. "Ugh, God Cas, gotta have you now. Waited way...too...long," he managed to get out between assaults of tongue and teeth. Cas gave a moan/grunt in agreement, still trying to latch onto Deans lips for longer than 5 seconds.

With a thought clothes were gone, the immediate skin to skin contact making them both gasp and cling harder together. The heat they were generating was overwhelming and at the same time not enough.

"Cas...bed...need you-" Dean tried to get out, but he was too busy sucking the angels ear lobe to really get full thoughts out. Cas seemed to agree, he pushed Dean til his knees hit the bed and he fell back, staring up in shock. Cas towered over him where he lay propped onto his elbows, and with an intensity that made him equally terrified and turned on, crawled his way up Deans body, never breaking eye contact.

Dean watched, taking hitched breaths, as Cas nipped at his skin from his waist to his collarbone, making sure to give pain on the right side of pleasure. He then moved to the handprint on Deans arm and bit down hard, plowing straight through the good feelings into sharp pain.

"Ah! Dammit Cas that fucking hurt!" Dean gasped out. The wicked twinkle in Cas' eye showed that he was completely unapologetic.

"Can't help it Dean, I just like marking you. Want to make sure you know who's in charge." With that he slid his knee up between Deans legs, softly rubbing at his ass, in stark contrast to the stinging pain from his bite.

"O hell no little angel," Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulders, trying to manhandle him off. Unfortunately, they'd wrestled enough that Cas knew his moves, countering with the right amount of weight and more pressure with his knee.  _God that's good_ , he thought,  _maybe I should just let him...wait no._

"No way I'm bottoming this time Cas, you'll get your chance," he said, wrapping his legs around the slender hips and used the leverage to twist Cas over and under him. "You're not the one drugged up on angel steroids, I gotta work this out on something and that ass will be perfect for it."

Cas tried to give an attempt at a pout, but ended up moaning loudly as Dean ground his hips down, cocks rubbing together dryly. "I think...I actually agree with you this time...ahhh Father please  _do something_."

Dean laughed, "What's wrong baby, getting too worked up already?" he bucked his hips a bit and they both moaned, "This isn't even the best part Cas."

"Then please get on with it, because I think I might just do it myself if you take too long," Cas said between clenched teeth. He'd begun running one hand through Dean's hair as he kissed and licked his neck. The other hand making light scratches down his back that made him grind forward with shivers.

"Still gotta get you ready for me Cas, remember we've talked about it. Don't want to mess up that gorgeous ass of yours."

Castiel let out an impatient huff at the reminder that foreplay was necessary but snapped his fingers, lube appearing in Dean's hand. "I don't need much Dean, and please don't test my patience."

"Mmm I'd like to see you try making me hurry, last I checked I'm stronger than you and you fed me blood, I could tease you for hours and you'd never be able to break free" Dean said, moving Cas' legs apart and running his teeth across one knee.

The poor angel looked ready to dart at a moments notice he was so on edge, cock hard and jutting up against his stomach, eyes wild with lust. The anticipation and talking and adrenaline from the fight had him craving release now, the mechanics of human sex be damned. Dean ran his hands up strong trembling thighs, Cas' eyes following his every movement. He flipped open the lid of the lube, getting a good amount on his fingers, then lifted Cas' balls to run one finger over his perineum and back to his ass.

"God Cas you're so warm," he moaned out. The heat was incredible and unexpected. He pushed his finger forward, using the other hand to pull back a cheek. Cas had clenched down in his nervousness, muscles hard and unyielding, "Just relax a bit babe, and tell me if something feels wrong...I have no fucking clue what I'm doing." A whimper came from above him but Cas relaxed, his pink hole showing itself. He ran his finger over it in circles.

 _Come on Dean, just like a virgin girl, right? Gotta loosen things up first_ , he encouraged himself. He kept rubbing circles, giving small amounts of pressure.

"Dean I swear on everything holy  _do it_ ," Cas yelled, pushing his hips down onto Dean's finger. It went in farther than Dean had intended to start, all the way to the second knuckle, and the muscles immediately tightened again at the intrusion. "Ugh, is this supposed to feel so odd Dean?"

"Well you're not supposed to go so fast Cas, why? Does it hurt?"

"No, just feels," Cas ground his hips down a little more and half winced, "very different." Dean moved his free hand to the base of Cas' cock and began loosely stroking to give him a feeling to focus on. Cas gave a small moan and closed his eyes, letting Dean take over, apparently the 'odd' feeling had passed into pleasure.

He started giving small thrusts with his one finger and moving it in circles around the sphincter. The heat inside was even more incredible and once he could move a bit more could feel how soft the walls were. "You're tight as hell Cas, no way I could get my dick in without this."

"I'm sorry, I could try and stretch it with some Grace-"

"O fuck no, tight is good Cas, trust me you'll see when you get your turn. Just don't want to hurt you is all." He added a second finger, and could feel Cas relaxing around him. His pumping on Cas' cock continued, not enough to get him off but enough to feel and tease.

He kept stretching him open, listening to Cas' moans and stifling some of his own. He'd never have imagined that this would be as sexy as it was, powerful angel splayed out before him getting fucked open on his fingers. But the picture Cas made was beautiful, sweat making his skin glow a bit in the evening light from the window.

For all the pretending they'd been doing though they were getting impatient, and Dean could hardly contain himself. Every time Cas made a sound his dick throbbed and fire went through his veins again. Angel blood coursing through him urged him to  _move_ , either fight or fuck, it didn't care.

Once he could comfortably get three fingers in and moving he pulled free, slicking up his cock with more lube and climbed forward to line up their hips. Cas was a writhing mess underneath him, giving pitiful noises with needy eyes. He was sure he must have looked terrified, Cas had reached up to run soothing hands over his cheek and neck.

"You ready for this?" Legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him close til the head of his cock was pressed to warm loose muscle. "Yes, I'm ready for everything you can give me Dean. Now shut up and fuck me."

And Dean did just that, eyes locked on Cas' wide blue ones, watching every bit of feeling pass. He slammed forward with all his weight til his hips met skin and froze, muscles straining to hold still and failing. Instead of giving time to adjust he began pounding forward, sinking time and time again into searing heat and tightness.

"God fuck Cas," he gasped, "This is unreal."

Castiel wasn't much better with words, just giving unintelligent mumbles between moans as he tried to thrust his hips forward into Dean, but the rhythm Dean was setting was too much for him, so he was more than happy to relax back and take it.

They panted into each other, occasionally biting at a shoulder or grabbing onto hair. Limbs and lips were everywhere at once, and they swallowed and breathed in every sound they gave. With the extra push from the blood Dean was barely aware of which feeling to pay attention to, getting lost in the velvet heat of Cas one second then licking up sweat and tasting skin the next.

When Cas arched up, moving so that Dean's cock slammed into his prostate he honest to God screamed, clutching on for life as Dean chuckled, hitting it over and over on every thrust.

That assault on his senses was making his orgasm come bursting through him in record time, barely even needing to grip his cock between them as he came, yelling praises to Dean towards the Heavens in languages older than the Earth itself. The blinding light of his Grace lit up his eyes, and with the small part of his mind that was still rational he covered Dean's eyes from the sight. As he came down from the high he raised a sticky hand to Deans mouth and fed him his seed, Dean swallowing it down blindly while continuing his furious pace.

With another thought Cas was ready to go again, not wanting to make Dean wait for his vessel to recover. Besides, he wanted to be aware for when Dean finally lost himself.

Dean could feel the end approaching and chased after the feeling. Cas was tightening up around him, encouraging him on with moans and the filthiest talk he'd ever heard from anyone, let alone an angel. "Come on Dean...Ugh yesss just like that fuck, yes. God please don't stop, want all that cum filling me. Want so much it spills out," he whispered in Deans ear, smiling at the deep groan it got him.

The smile was wiped from his face when Dean pulled back, hands on Cas' arms pulling him forward til he was nearly sitting in Dean's lap. The move pushed Dean even farther in, and they both gasped at the extra sensation. Dean started grinding up into Cas, shorter thrusts this time with the added intimacy of being eye to eye. Cas reached between them and began stroking himself in time, wanting to be right there with Dean at the end.

"You really want it Cas? Want me to use up that sweet ass?"

"Yes Dean please I want it all, come on baby," he ran his free hand down Dean's arms, nails making red lines. The pain was just enough to help push Dean that much closer to the edge, and his eyes opened wide.

Cas tightened his ass as much as he could and rocked with Dean, moving so there was a constant pressure on his sweet spot, "Let go Dean, give it to me."

And with one last stuttered thrust Dean was spilling deep in Cas. The overwhelming feeling igniting the fire in his veins, coursing through him in waves of electric and ice. At the feeling of wet heat and the thickening of Dean's cock as it pulsed in him Cas released as well. They kept eyes locked as they came, Graces brushing together and bursting forth as wings momentarily with the intensity of their emotions.

As they rode the ecstasy a small shower of feathers swirled around them, rising and falling on the heat waves they'd created.

"I love you Cas. I love...O God," Dean tried to get out between panting breaths. He buried his face just under Cas' jaw, kissing and trembling slightly.

"I love you too Dean, always."

They stayed still aside from comforting stroking of sweaty skin and quiet murmurs. Dean would deny until the end of days that he hadn't teared up, and as Castiel kissed away the single tear he knew he'd keep his secret.

Dean was spent, Grace and energy burned away in that one burst. Even emotionally he was finished, too much relief at their victory combined with too much closeness with Castiel. He didn't even bother to pull from Cas, staying connected as long as he could until his softening cock fell back between his legs.

Cas have a small twitch at the feeling of loss, but continued placing kiss after kiss. With the last of his stores of Grace he cleaned up them and the room, then took them back to the safe house, on their own bed. Cas tried to pull away from Dean's embrace but he refused to let go. As many times as he'd been vulnerable with the angel before this time was on a different level, and he was afraid that the connection he felt would be lost if he let go.

Cas seemed to understand, and continued to hold onto Dean but pulled them over so that they were laying together. "Dean, look at me." Cas pulled his head up with a hand under his chin, "Are you ok?"

He groaned, angel thought he was upset or having a breakdown. And maybe he was freaking out, but it was anything but negative this time.

"I'm good Cas," he croaked then cleared his throat, he'd been more vocal earlier than he'd thought, "Just...wow. That was intense Cas, and I mean way beyond what I could ever have imagined."

Cas smiled at the knowledge that he'd fully blown his human's mind on his first try.

"By the way, when the hell did you learn to talk dirty like that? Because that was...interesting. In a good way!"

A blush creeped up Cas' cheeks. "Well I've seen all your memories, including the hours of...porn. I knew what you liked to hear."

Dean have a deep laugh, pulling Cas in closer to him, "You are literally made for me aren't you?"

"Seeing as how I existed first I believe it would be you who were created for me," Cas said matter of factly. Dean gave him an amused look and a quick kiss.

His eyes had begun drooping with exhaustion, and his breathing had slowed back to normal. With a big sigh he moved around until he was nuzzled into the crook of Cas' neck, naked leg thrown over slender hips. He let out a soft contented moan and snuggled down further til he was satisfied he'd found the perfect spot.

"'Night Cas. I need to sleep after that."

"I think I will too, you used me all up with your neediness. Again."

A soft chuckle shook Dean's shoulders. "At least I'm consistent. I swear next time we'll take it slow" he slurred out, half asleep already.

Castiel waited until he was sure Dean was asleep then allowed himself to slip off as well. Perfectly content, perfectly safe, perfectly loved.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end of our story, and what a ride it's been! This chapter is a short sweet wrap up full of fluff and happy and cute. What better way to end than with optimism! Also, I finally got to include the quote that inspired the ending of this story, I hope you all like it as much as Cas does!
> 
> Thank you everyone for the support and love during this story, feel free to drop me a line at [my tumblr.](http://soy-nowater-chai.tumblr.com)

Dean woke up surrounded by warmth. Spring light was filtering in through the window curtains, Cas was pressed up behind him, and they were buried deep under the covers.

His mind still fuzzy with sleep he was vaguely aware that Cas was running fingers through his hair, over his ear, and down his neck. Over and over his hand went in lazy motions. He let himself drift slowly into full awareness, a luxury he didn't often get, and made little cat-like stretches of his limbs and back.

"How long have you been up?"

"Not very long I think, maybe a few hours." Cas' hand had moved down to his shoulder and arm, light touches down the muscles and back up. Dean let himself lay there content to just be touched and loved. The events of the night before surfaced in his thoughts but he didn't linger on the actions, instead examined the feelings for once.

They'd taken the last big step, and now that they had he understood why Cas had made them wait. In the past it was all about the end game, just faking the emotions for girls so he could have a good night. Even the ones that at the time had mattered didn't really matter. At least not when compared to Cas. He trusted the angel with the world, literally, and never doubted that everything he did he did for love of the Winchesters and their friends. And when it came to Dean himself? Well...even Heaven hadn't been able to stop Cas from getting what was his to protect and he doubted Hell would be much more of a challenge. They were well and truly stuck with each other, which didn't sound like a bad idea.

Fully awake now he realized that he had come down from the pumped up high he had been riding. That demanding thunder in his veins telling him to act or give in and attack seemed silly now that he was having a happy morning with Cas. Attack? Please, it was better to just stay here and revel in the feelings.

He snuggled back closer, absently rubbing his feet against Cas', and gave a contented sigh.  _I'm the luckiest unlucky bastard in the world,_  he thought. The Earth could shatter tomorrow and he wouldn't care as long as he got to be next to Cas for it. Ok maybe that was a stretch...but he was well and truly happy.

"What are you thinking about?" Cas whispered into the back of his neck.

"You could just read my mind you know, might be better than me talking this early."

Cas' hand faltered a bit from its trail along his side and hip. "You would allow me to do that?"

He gave a small hum, "I've been in you now, seems fair enough. But only if you'll literally be in me later. I am  _not_  going through the rest of this day unless you do." Cas wrapped his arm around Dean's waist, pressing his face up into Dean's hair. The only feeling Dean had of Cas coming into his thoughts was a slightly hazy feeling, as though he'd been kicked in the head with none of the pain. He felt Cas shudder silently behind him, then retreat back into himself.

A low hum of satisfaction came rumbling through him from where Cas' chest was pressed to his back. "I agree with you completely Dean. What you said reminds me of something written in a book Sam gave me."

"And what would that be?"

 _I'll follow thee and make a heaven out of hell, To die by your hand which I love so well_.", Cas quoted while pulling Dean around to face him and plant kisses along his cheekbones. He started up his light exploration of Dean, hands smoothing over his skin and twining into his hair.

"That's...perfect for us. What's that from Cas?" he whispered between kisses, joining in the petting himself with callused hands.

"Shakespeare, A Midsummer Nights Dream. Sam said I needed to read classic poetry," he muttered, then bit into Deans collarbone, "I found it nearly as beautiful as scripture." Dean closed his eyes as Cas' lips brushed over his neck, feather light. He gave himself up to Cas' every whim, letting the angel love him in every honest way he wished.

He'd never been one for anything but dirty talk during sex, and had never anticipated the type of talk Cas would start up. He quoted from memory to Dean as he explored with hands, lips, and tongue. Murmured haikus into his thighs, bit out a limerick on his hipbone, and sent his nerves shivering with Song of Songs.

If anyone but an angel was doing it Dean would call blasphemy or weird, but for Cas this was worship and love on his own terms, and Dean could get used to how the angel thought. When Cas finally took him the words turned to moans, but were full of the same meaning, love endlessly dripping from them.

They stayed in the borrowed house all morning as Cas loved him and Dean opened for everything he could pour into him with word and deed. They filled the room with quiet laughter, a few broken sobs of joy, and many gasps of pleasure. Only when Cas was satisfied he had shared every pressing thought and emotion did he stop and allow his human to come down from the high. With a small snap they were back in the safe house bedroom laying below Cas' pictures, holding onto each other and steeling themselves for going back into the real world.

* * *

Bobby had made his way downstairs with Sam's help when they came out of their own little dream land. The old hunter was seated at the kitchen table, injured leg propped up on a chair, and giving them an unreadable look. He had Sam's laptop in front of him with a tumbler of whiskey.

"Sam's out on a supply run." he grumbled out.

"Good good. Think we were almost out of coffee," Dean sat down. Cas joined him. They sat in silence for a few minutes. No one knew where to begin, whether anything needed discussing or if they had done plenty of that and could move on.

Finally Bobby spoke, "Found you boys a new case, 'bout an hour outside of D.C. Looks like a vamp nest."

And just like that their lives fell back into the easy rut of the family business and hunting. The events of the past had been dealt with, and Winchesters don't drag things out once they've been handled. That isn't to say that things were back to normal, there were changes still present in their lives.

One new reality was that the change forced on Dean wasn't disappearing, and while having added strength and powers certainly would help with hunting, he was reluctant to rely on it. It wasn't a part of him that he wanted to revisit too often, so he kept it in until he and Cas could deal with it in their own way. Smiting various monsters wasn't nearly half as fun as using Grace to restrain Cas to a bed for several hours of near torture with one of his feathers. Sam griped about it for the first few cases, but when Dean over shared about his reasons to shut him up he just nodded his agreement and went to drink away the mental images.

With Sam, Dean, and Bobby relaxed into hunting Cas began his own endeavors again, however this time Dean was able to join him between hunts. He had cataloged every new thing he loved about the world, and would let Dean sift through his old photos to pick the next adventure. He was able to show Dean everything that the world had to offer, the food, the sights, the people. And along for each trip was his camera, capturing every emotion and action.

Soon they had a sizable stack of photos. Sam kept a favorite of Dean in the ocean, holding onto a shark's fin and swimming with it. His daring fearless brother at his best. Bobby preferred the ones from Asia, one in particular of Cas meditating in a remote mountain temple seemed to speak to him.

Dean kept his favorite tucked into the flip-down mirror of the Impala. It was from a festival Cas had dragged him to in India. They were plastered with colored powder and surrounded by thousands of people, but their smiles stood out from the vibrant background. It was an exciting memory, and remembering how Cas' skin had been dyed into a mottled pink/blue/green for days after made him laugh to himself. Cas would steal the picture occasionally to write a quote or poem on it for Dean, and he looked forward to reading what the angel felt but couldn't put into true words. Not that Dean was any better at speaking feelings or that words were even needed between them.

Castiel kept his old favorite, the one of them in their room at Bobby's in the morning, sunlight shining on Dean's hair and making Cas' eyes bright. But he did add one more. It was from a forest in Canada they had hiked in for the better part of a day. The light was diffused and had smelled alive with creation. They had been silent that afternoon, content to be near each other. When he'd taken the picture Dean had startled him with a quick kiss, then pulled away as he pushed the button. He had a pleased look of surprise on his face and Dean had been smirking at him in the most loving and playful way. He didn't write on the back of this one, just kept it close to his heart with the first.

* * *

A year after the angels had retreated with Zachariah Cas dragged Dean on another trip. He wanted a picture that he hadn't gotten before when they'd visited, and no amount of complaining from Dean would stop him.

"Seriously Cas didn't you get enough pictures the first time? We don't have time to just go to the same places." he whined as Castiel pulled him by the hand.

"But Dean we weren't lovers then, I didn't get to capture it all."

"Ugh how many times do I have to say not to call us that, it sounds pervy." Dean's half smile gave away that he wasn't actually annoyed at the monicker.

They got to the perfect spot Cas had picked out and he arranged Dean next to him so that he could get both their heads in the shot. Then he stood still and watched where the sun was close to rising behind them.

"Are you going to take it or what?" Dean grumbled, stamping his feet in the chill of the morning. He wasn't too fond of the placement Cas had picked, heights were never his thing.

Just then the sun peeked up, sending warm pinks, oranges, and yellows across the sky, casting everything into beautiful light. Cas smiled, eyes lighting up at the beauty, then turned to get his camera ready. "Ok Dean, it's all ready, try to look pleased."

It wasn't a stretch for Dean to give a contented smile, pulled in close to Cas, the Grand Canyon stretching out behind them and almost on fire with the morning sun. The smile on Cas was smaller than Dean's but no less content and radiant.

He clicked the camera, and  _snap_ , the moment was frozen in time.


End file.
